Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

Audre becomes fixated on going to Mexico, although she doesn’t entirely understand why. She stays with friends and works in a health center, moving in with a progressive white woman named Rhea with whom she feels no emotional bond. Saving money for her escape, she becomes embroiled in the political Committee to Free the Rosenbergs. She goes to Washington to protest the Rosenbergs’ execution with Rhea. Shortly after the group returns, Eisenhower signs an “executive decree that said I could eat anything I wanted to anywhere in Washington, DC, including vanilla ice cream. It didn’t mean too much to me by then” (149). Audre and her fellow activists are terrified of the Red Scare and being labeled as communists, although Audre also feels a disconnect between herself and the other activists because she is homosexual, which is seen as being very bourgeois and making you more susceptible to the FBI. The Rosenbergs are executed, and Audre wonders if there is any place in the country that is safe for her.

Audre runs into Bea, who she had met and flirted with a year before, and who now lives in Philadelphia. Audre and Bea start dating, although Audre is upset that Bea is not responsive when Audre has sex with her. Rhea pretends not to notice their relationship. Audre finds meeting other lesbians to be difficult because she does not drink and go to bars, so her relationship with Bea arises out of loneliness. They are nothing alike: “her family was old, mainline, white, and monied” (151). Audre finds Bea’s conceptualization of sex to be the most different, as Bea enjoys it in theory but there is no passion in her love-making. Bea is beautiful, but leaves Audre wanting more. When Audre visits Bea, she makes love to her for two days while Bea sighs sadly, and then they go out to a museum or to eat: “Every Sunday night, I got on the train vowing to myself that I would never see her again” (152).

They plan to go to Mexico together, but Audre breaks it off two weeks before they are supposed to leave. Bea comes to NYC and camps outside of Audre’s apartment for two days, forcing Rhea to run interference. Audre feels terrible, but believes it is for her own good. She eventually confesses to Rhea about the affair, and Rhea says that Audre shouldn’t let other people depend on her too much even if she is strong. Audre leaves for Mexico, feeling like she is fleeing, and is surprised she got out alive.

Audre explores Mexico City with rudimentary Spanish-language skills but feels happy and at peace there: “Moving through street after street filled with people with brown faces had a profound and exhilarating effect upon me, unlike any other experience I had ever known” (154). People are friendly towards her, smiling at strangers, and Audre feels self-confident for the first time. She is asked if she is Cuban because of her hair and coloring, and people are amazed to learn she is from New York. She enjoys walking in the park called Alameda during the day, because she has been told that women should not go out by themselves at night. Instead of walking with her eyes on her feet like she did in New York, she learns to look around as she walks down the street, bolstered by the similar coloring of the people who surround her. She registers for courses at the university, in history and folklore; she looks for more permanent lodging, as eating out and living in a hotel are cutting into her funds.

Audre goes to visit a woman named Frieda, a friend of a friend who lives in Cuernavaca, because she misses conversing with people. Frieda and her twelve-year-old daughter, Tammy, are very friendly towards Audre, and introduce her to many other American expatriates who are spiritual and political refugees. Frieda convinces Audre to move to Cuernavaca, where it is quieter and cheaper, and where Audre can have a house to stay in. Frieda’s ex-lover, Jesús, helps Audre move and on the drive back, Audre admires the landscape of the country.

Many of the people in Cuernavaca are single women from California and New York who co-own stores, teach, and/or live off alimony. Many are in hiding as a result of the Red Scare: “For the American colony in Cuernavaca, the political atmosphere was one of guarded alertness. There was not the stench of terror and political repression […] But any idea that immunity from McCarthyism might be conferred by [the] border had been shattered” (159). Although welcoming, the community is cautious of newcomers. Audre is enchanted by her natural surroundings, including the birds, and she uses poetry to recreate that feeling. The women Audre meets are much older than she is; although many are bisexual, they pretend “to be straight in a way they never would have pretended to be conservative. Their political courage was far greater than their sexual openness” (160). As a result, Audre does not realize that she is amid a community of like-minded women.

Audre and Frieda drink in celebration of Oppenheimer being fired, and then Audre sunbathes. A woman tells her to be careful and then invites Audre for coffee. Audre, who is nicknamed La Chica, recognizes the woman as La Periodista, and the woman introduces herself as Eudora. Audre immediately knows that Eudora is a lesbian, which puts her at ease. Eudora also intuits that Audre is a lesbian. Audre makes dinner and they talk. Audre is fascinated by Eudora. Eudora admits that she was lovers with Karen, with whom she co-owned a Cuernavaca bookstore, but then it became too radical for Karen and Eudora drank too much. Eventually, Karen turned the bookstore into a dress shop, Eudora had a mastectomy, and they broke up. Eudora is embarrassed about her scars. Eudora and Audre bond over a shared love of poetry.

Audre and Eudora spend time together, and Audre tells her about the previous women in her life. Eudora reciprocates. Audre appreciates Eudora and begins to fall for her. Eudora mocks Audre’s reticence about talking about some things, although Audre believes that Eudora has grief of her own that she will not talk about. One night, they tell each other that they are beautiful, and when Audre goes home she is unable to either sleep or read. She takes a shower and comes back, to Eudora’s surprise. Audre asks for more coffee. Eudora questions if this is what Audre came back for, and Audre says she wants to sleep with her. Eudora takes her to bed, and then asks repeatedly if she is sure, still sensitive about her missing breast. They disrobe, and Audre kisses Eudora’s scars. Eudora tries to turn off the light, but Audre demands it stay on.

Audre wakes in the morning next to Eudora, exhilarated. They cuddle, and then Eudora makes breakfast. Audre washes the dishes, and then Eudora takes her back to bed. Audre says she doesn’t like being made love to, and Eudora says that’s probably because no one has done it to her before. They have sex through the weekend with brief respites, to shower. For the next month, they spend many afternoons together, but there are some things Eudora is strangely secretive about. They explore Mexico in Eudora’s convertible, and Eudora explains the links between Africa, Asia, and Mexico and the genocides of Mexico’s native peoples. Eudora helps Audre plan a trip to Oaxaca and tells her many things: “It was Eudora who showed me the way to the Mexico I had been looking for, that nourishing land of light and color where I was somehow at home” (170).

Audre says she wants to come back to Mexico after she leaves, but Eudora cautions her against running from her problems. They go out to eat once, watching the bird-man, Jeroméo, the beggar-children (chamaquitos), and the mariachi. When other people see them, Eudora says that the gossip will begin. The next afternoon, after Audre takes Tammy to the market, she comes back to find Frieda and a group of women gossiping, which Frieda promptly ends. Later, Frieda warns Audre not to care about the gossip but to be careful with Eudora, because she can be trouble.

That spring, McCarthy is censured and the Supreme Court decides segregation is unequal. People are hopeful that this indicates a change in America, including Audre. Audre no longer feels invisible, both because of Mexico and because of Eudora. Audre never sees Eudora drink, but she will disappear sometimes for days, and then show back up as if nothing happened. They never discuss it. Audre’s classes end, and she realizes Eudora will not accompany her on her trip south. She frequently hears angry voices coming from Eudora’s windows. Audre prepares to spend her last evening with Eudora, but when she gets to her house, Karen storms out and Eudora is drunk. Eudora tells her to leave and when Audre resists, Eudora is cruel to her. Audre flinches, and Eudora changes her tone, saying that she doesn’t want Audre to see her like this because it will only get worse. Audre kisses Eudora goodbye and leaves.

When Audre comes back three weeks later, Eudora has moved but no one knows where. Frieda says that Karen and Eudora must have settled their business. Audre is upset but shows no emotion. Frieda tells her to go home, and Audre says that she hopes to come back some day. Audre returns to New York on July Fourth.