Without Merit

Lying for Honor the following night, Merit tells Barnaby and Sagan that Honor is sick and in her room. Merit finds Honor’s sexier nightgown and decides to try it on. Sagan finds Merit when she is dressed in Honor’s nightgown and assumes Merit is Honor. Trying to maintain her lie about Honor being sick in her room, Merit pretends to be Honor while talking to Sagan. Merit yearns to kiss Sagan again and attempts to do so, assuming Sagan and Honor are romantically involved. However, when she tries to kiss Sagan, he stops her, acts confused, and realizes Merit is pretending to be Honor.

Sagan passionately reciprocates Merit’s kiss once he realizes he’s with Merit, not Honor. He stops only to clarify; he and Honor were never together. They are strictly friends, and Sagan is concerned about Honor’s relationships with young men experiencing life-limiting illnesses. Sagan is disturbed by Merit’s betrayal and willingness to kiss someone she believed to be her sister’s boyfriend. He calls Merit an asshole and leaves.

Content Warning: This chapter summarizes a suicide attempt.

Emotionally distraught, Merit finds a bottle of tequila and drinks it. She feels overwhelmed by the day’s events and seeks out Luck for company. When she enters Luck’s room, Merit discovers Luck and Utah in bed together. Merit feels rejected by Luck for having sex with Utah when she had previously asked Luck to have sex with her. She reflects on the various rejections and exclusions she has recently felt, noting how only two friends from school have noticed her multi-week absence. Hurting from Sagan’s harsh comment, Merit feels guilty and ashamed for betraying her sister. Utah enters Merit’s room and instructs her not to tell anyone about Utah and Luck’s sexual relationship. Merit tells Utah she is good at keeping his secrets, referencing when Utah forced Merit to kiss him when she was 12.

Merit feels she cannot hold in her family’s secrets anymore. To cope, she writes everyone’s secrets in a letter. Merit makes copies of the letter to distribute to everyone in the house except Moby. She exposes Utah first, explaining how she has never felt comfortable around him since he sexually molested her. She resents the rest of her family, especially Honor, for admiring and praising Utah while criticizing Merit. She also reveals Utah’s sexual orientation and relationship with Luck. She wrongly identifies Luck as gay when he is pansexual. Merit then discloses her resentment toward Barnaby for his selfish affairs with Victoria and Vicky. She admits feeling trapped in a house with a woman (Victoria) who hates her and her mother.

Next, Merit addresses her mother, letting out her anger at Vicky’s neglect: “[Barnaby’s] damn shitty at the whole father thing, but he’s a much better parent than you’ve ever been to us” (194). Merit reveals her belief that Vicky remains in Dollar Voss only to try and win Barnaby back. Merit then divulges how she and Luck almost slept together and how cheap she feels knowing he is sleeping with her brother. She confronts Honor about her relationship history by asking her, “Can we please address this?” (195). Merit finally writes to Moby and Sagan. She requests that someone save Moby from the Voss family before it is too late for him. Merit tells Sagan that his only flaw is his choice to remain at Dollar Voss among a dysfunctional family. She ends her letter by demanding her family members not force her to keep their secrets anymore.

Merit feels better after writing and copying her letter. Sagan knocks on her door, and Merit dismisses him. Shortly after, Honor angrily texts Merit while explaining Sagan knows Honor and Merit lied to him about Honor’s whereabouts. Merit feels like she hates her family. She reflects on her initial decision to stop attending school, thinking that no one would notice or care. She adds the word “Without” before “Merit” in the signature to her letter and takes nearly 30 of her mother’s pain pills while drinking three beers. She distributes her letter to her family members and finds a drawing from Sagan in the living room. The sketch shows two hearts tied together, but one heart appears ripped in half. The image makes her think of death, and Merit realizes she doesn’t want to die.

Merit crawls to the bathroom and unsuccessfully tries to vomit. She calls out for help, but her voice is too weak for anyone to hear. She crawls to Utah’s room and knocks. When he answers, Merit confesses that she didn’t think when she took her mother’s pain pills. Sagan appears and tells Utah to call 911. He forces Merit to vomit, and the rest of the family appears, chaotically trying to figure out what is wrong with Merit. Several family members have read Merit’s letter. Barnaby announces that Vicky’s pain pills are merely placebos, and Merit should be fine. The paramedics arrive and check Merit. Merit declines a visit to the hospital, explaining that she feels better.

Barnaby reads Merit’s letter and kicks Utah out of the house. Honor, who has returned from visiting her boyfriend in the hospital, accuses Merit of lying about Utah’s sexual molestation. Utah looks directly at Merit, and without admitting his wrongdoing or apologizing, he leaves Dollar Voss. Vicky appears at the top of the basement staircase but does not go to Merit. Merit desperately wants her mother to hug her, but Vicky returns to the basement when Barnaby orders everyone to return to their rooms. Merit asks Barnaby why Vicky is taking placebo pills, but Barnaby refuses to answer. He shatters a chair in the kitchen and then leaves to talk with Victoria.

Sagan helps Merit into the shower while removing the razor and medicine from the bathroom. Merit agrees to sleep in Sagan’s room for the night so he can keep an eye on her. Merit glances at a copy of her letter on Sagan’s dresser and slowly remembers her confessions. Sagan crawls into bed with Merit and holds her as she starts to cry. Though she likes how being held feels, the embrace causes Merit to reflect on her lack of physical contact with her family over the years.