When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times

Not causing harm is fundamental to Buddhism. Sometimes, unable to bear their own pain, people become aggressive and cause harm to others and to themselves. Furthermore, people are often unable to accept warnings about their behavior. When one becomes mindful of this process, Chödrön suggests, they naturally step back from aggression.

Mindfulness isn’t just for meditation. It can also be applied in one’s daily life to avoid suppressing pain and refrain from keeping oneself constantly entertained: “It’s the practice of not immediately filling up space just because there’s a gap” (45). This includes noticing habits like scratching one’s nose or pulling on an ear to calm anxiety. Those quick actions block people from feelings that they need to experience but prefer to avoid.

Beneath avoidance is a sense of groundlessness, “something very soft, very tender, that we experience as fear or edginess” (46). The way to transcend fear isn’t to disagree with it or defy it, Chödrön says, but to respect it yet refrain from doing what it commands. As fear itself might put it, “if you don’t do what I say, I have no power” (47). Sitting with feelings, rather than acting upon them, prevents them from expanding and instead evokes calm.