What I Carry

Published in 2020, Jennifer Longo’s What I Carry is a young adult, coming-of-age, realistic fiction novel. As Muiriel approaches her 18th birthday and the prospect of aging out of the foster care system, she carries around the emotional weight of her experiences. She is determined not to get too close to anyone, but her world begins to shift when she moves to an island in the Puget Sound and forms unexpected connections with the people around her. The novel won the 2021 Washington State Book Award for Young Adult Literature and explores themes of healing, nature, and resilience.

Citations in this study guide refer to the e-book edition released by Random House in 2020.

Content Warning: The source material contains depictions of deaths of parents, substance abuse, child abuse, attempted sexual abuse, and racism.

Plot Summary

Muiriel has spent her entire life in the foster care system. She believes that the only way that she will survive when she ages out of the system in a year is if she is completely independent, so she avoids getting close to people and doesn’t want to be adopted. On the day after her 17th birthday, her social worker, Joellen, takes her to her last foster home, which is on an island in the Puget Sound. Her new foster mother, Francine, is in her sixties, and Muiriel is her last foster child before she retires. Francine allows Muiriel to explore the island on her own. When Muiriel stops by a cafe, she cheers up a bullied barista named Kira and sees an advertisement about an internship at the Salishwood Environmental Education Center. On the first day of her internship, Muiriel meets the center’s director, Jane, and a handsome coworker named Sean. When Muiriel returns home, she finds that Francine has prepared a beautiful afternoon tea for her. She tells Francine about the internship, and Francine agrees to let her continue working at Salishwood as long as her grades are unaffected. Muiriel and Kira meet again at the island’s annual welcome-back picnic before the start of school and become friends. She also grows closer to Sean during their shifts at Salishwood. Muiriel reunites with a former foster sister named Zola when the young girl’s summer school goes on a field trip to Salishwood.

On the first day of Muiriel’s senior year, she draws the ire of two popular girls, Tiana and Katrina, by inviting Sean to sit with her and Kira. Sean invites Muiriel and Kira to a bonfire at the beach. At the party, Muiriel and Sean talk about nature and their pasts, and she kisses him. Tiana intentionally spills a drink on Kira, and Muiriel leaves with her tearful best friend. Muiriel wants to confront the bullies, but Kira entreats her to let it go.

Sean asks Muiriel to go to the movies with him. Although she tells herself this isn’t a date, she is inwardly thrilled. On the day of her outing with Sean, Francine gives Muiriel a cell phone. Sean picks her up, and they talk about everything from his late father to the fact that Muiriel sometimes wished she could stay at her previous foster homes. The teenagers are late for Muiriel’s curfew because they are so absorbed in their conversation. Muiriel is convinced that Francine will send her away because she broke a rule, but Francine assures her that she is concerned rather than angry. Muiriel decides that she needs some distance between her and Sean because she missed curfew after their date. Sean pleads with Muiriel to let him, Francine, and Kira help her, but she remains convinced that they cannot. She feels better after she spends some time with Francine and Francine’s dog, Terry Johnson. On Halloween, Sean dresses up as Muiriel’s beloved namesake, the naturalist John Muir, and persuades Muiriel to represent Salishwood at the island’s festivities with him. She has a wonderful time interacting with the children who stop by their booth. Sean gives her a book of Rachel Carson’s work at the end of the night and tells her that he respects her desire for space but is still hoping they can get back together.

In November, Tiana deliberately shatters a sculpture Kira made because she is jealous of the attention a boy named Elliot gives Kira. Later that afternoon, one of Muiriel’s coworkers, a man named Natan, corners her in the woods and tries to assault her. She hits him with a branch, escapes, and tells Jane that she doesn’t want to involve the police but cannot return to Salishwood until Natan is gone. Jane hires a woman to replace Natan. Muiriel decides not to tell Francine what happened, but her foster mother knows that something is wrong when the teenager bursts into tears during dinner. Muiriel grows worried about Sean when he is absent from the school the following day. She goes to his house that evening and learns that he sprained his hand punching Natan. Muiriel tells Sean about the bullying that Kira experiences, and he promises to cut ties with Katrina and Tiana.

Muiriel inspires Kira to return to art class, and her teacher asks her to paint a mural in the art room. When Tiana and Katrina paint over the mural, Muiriel convinces Kira to talk to the principal. However, the principal refuses to believe them until Elliot provides photographic evidence of the bullies’ actions. On the winter solstice, Sean takes Muiriel on a beautiful nature walk, and she gives him a brass compass. Later that night, Francine tells Muiriel that she’s proud of her, and Muiriel moves some of her things into the dresser in her room for the first time since she arrived on the island.

On Easter, Terry Johnson eats some of Muiriel’s chocolates. With help from Kira and Sean, Muiriel rushes him to the veterinarian clinic. Although he recovers, Muiriel feels horribly guilty and offers to have Joellen relocate her. Francine assures that she will never kick her out. They open up to one another about their pasts. Francine was a pediatric nurse, and she became a foster parent after her husband left her when she was 40. Muiriel lived with the same couple until she was four years old. She considered them her parents, but they put her back in the system when the foster mother became pregnant.

In April, Jane offers Muiriel a paid part-time position at Salishwood, but she thinks she should turn it down because that will not be sufficient to support her once she’s on her own. Francine wants to help her stay on the island and pursue her dream of becoming a ranger, so she offers to adopt Muiriel. This feels like a betrayal to Muiriel because Francine knows how she feels about adoption. Muiriel secludes herself in her room and weeps. A few days later, Zola makes another visit to Salishwood. While she’s there, a police officer and Joellen speak to the girl because one of her previous foster mothers falsely accused her of stealing a gold bracelet. Muiriel jeopardizes her perfect record by taking the blame for Zola. Muiriel writes down a list of likely places where the foster mother left the bracelet and shows the officer around her bedroom to buy time. As the officer looks through Muiriel’s belongings, Francine, Sean, and Kira all come to her defense. The foster mother locates the jewelry, proving Zola and Muiriel’s innocence. Later that evening, Francine helps Muiriel talk through some of the damaging beliefs she’s been taught about herself and adoption, and Muiriel decides to stay in extended foster care with Francine until she is 21. Muiriel also becomes more open to the possibility of college and adoption. The story ends with Muiriel exploring the John Muir Woods with Sean and Kira, happy and secure in the knowledge that she has a home to return to after her adventure.