Twisted Hate

“I ignored the pang in my heart at their obvious love for my friends and refocused on the conversation. I’d given up on love a long time ago. There was no use longing for it.”

Jules’s insecurities about love are touched upon in this quote, and provide the basis for her post-breakup realization. She hesitates to commit to anyone, let alone Josh, because she doesn’t feel like she deserves unconditional love.

“A good career meant good money, and good money meant security, shelter, and food on the table. If someone wanted to shame me for wanting those things, they could fuck right off.”

As Jules’s backstory is revealed, it becomes clear why she pursues a law degree and why money, security, shelter, and food are so important to her. Adeline, her model mother, prioritized beauty and status over basic necessities, oftentimes leaving young Jules hungry.

“It wasn’t the first time I’d been judged—for my looks and my family, the career I chose and the clothes I wore, the way I laughed too loudly when I was supposed to be demure and asserted myself too boldly when I was supposed to be invisible. I was used to shaking off criticism, but the sneers and side eyes accumulated over time, and I’d gotten to the point where I was just tired. Tired of working twice as hard as everyone else to be taken seriously and fighting even harder to prove my worth.”

Jules’s reaction to first impressions and judgments about appearance show her lingering insecurities regarding Beauty as a Measure of Value. Her admission that she’s tired of working to prove herself is a testament to her painful past.

“But that was the thing about guilt. It didn’t give a damn about facts or reason. It sprouted from the tiniest seeds of doubt, slipped through the cracks of your psyche, and by the time you realized what the ugly darkness oozing through your veins was, it’d already burrowed itself so deep you couldn’t dig it out without losing a part of yourself.”

Josh struggles with letting go of grudges, and the same extends to himself. He struggles to let go of his guilt surrounding his complicity in his family’s destruction. Though he had nothing to do with Michael’s crimes, Josh’s freely given trust prevented him from protecting his mother and sister. In the present, his inability to read or throw away Michael’s weekly letters from prison only exacerbates his guilt.

“You only think about yourself. I don’t know what the fuck happened in your past, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure you out. You’re a scared little girl who chases highs to run from your demons, never caring about the destruction you leave in your wake. Classic fucking Jules Ambrose.”

This quote is an example of Josh using hostility to voice necessary truths to Jules. Though this quote is said in anger, and Jules doesn’t grasp the full impact of Josh’s words until later, Josh voices the issues she must face and overcome to find Freedom in Closure.

“Anger was good. Anger prevented me from dwelling on the truth behind his statement, and anger coated my words with venom when I spoke again.”

Both Jules and Josh use anger to distract them from uncomfortable feelings and situations. Anger also provides temporary thrills that allow them to feel alive, which are overall unhealthy but overcome as they find other distractions.

“It was a low blow to match a low blow until we were both in hell, caught in the culmination of years of animosity and words we would’ve never uttered to anyone except each other. Lies stripped away, truths uncovered only to be disguised as insults. Part of me was disgusted. Another part sang with exhilaration. In a world that expected politeness and praised restraint, there was nothing more freeing than finally letting it all out. No holds barred.”

This quote illustrates Jules’s and Josh’s use of hostility to provide brutal truths and Adrenaline Providing Distraction. Even in the midst of being their worst selves, they are the only people who understand each other. Without this foundation, the cathartic part of their relationship wouldn’t exist.

“I looked over Max’s shoulder, oxygen creeping back into my lungs at the sight of Josh’s tousled hair and lean, powerful frame. ‘Josh.’ I breathed his name like it was my salvation. In a way, it was.”

Jules’s relationship with Josh starts as a sex pact, a distraction. However, when faced with her past (ex-boyfriend Max), Jules welcomes Josh’s sudden appearance, because he’s become her safe space, emotionally and physically.

“Plus, between her inadvertent sleepover and the brief lowering of our guards just now, we were edging too far from the rules of our pact. It was time to bring it back to what it was supposed to be about: sex. Quick, transactional, and mutually satisfying.”

As their relationship progresses beyond meaningless sex, Josh and Jules lower their defenses and share more parts of themselves. However, without healing, which they can’t do without facing their pasts, they aren’t in the proper headspace to commit to a long-term relationship. Therefore, when the boundaries of their sex pact begin to slip, they try to revert.

“Given our arrangement, we should be heading to his place for sex because that was supposed to be the cornerstone of our relationship, but after our conversation just now, that felt…wrong.”

Eventually, the boundaries of Jules and Josh’s sex pact change, making their casual sex feel disingenuous. This shift is unprecedented, leaving them unprepared to navigate their true feelings.

“We’d reached a fork in the road. I could either stay on the circular path I’d walked for the past two years, or I could take the only exit available to me. The first option was comfortable and familiar, the latter unknown and scary as fuck. I didn’t want to end up betrayed and lied to again.”

The concepts of a “fork in the road” and “circular path” illustrate Josh’s relationship with Alex, and his conflict as to whether or not to forgive him; without closure, he is stuck. Josh’s grudge has transformed him into someone he doesn’t like, his fear of the past preventing him from growing.

“I yearned to experience that kind of unconditional love. To have someone care for me through the good, the bad, and the inevitable mistakes I made. What would it be like to be loved so deeply by someone I wouldn’t have to worry about every little move possibly driving them away?”

Jules’s insecurities cause an intense fear of love. While she longs for it, especially when seeing her friends with their partners, she’s never experienced the unconditional love of a parent or a long-term partner. This lack of love causes her to fear driving people away by being herself. Eventually, this insecurity will cause her to betray Josh rather than reveal her past.

“I spun on my heels and speed-walked toward the exit, hurt blooming in my chest before it gave way to anger. Fuck Josh. We’d interacted maybe four times, and he was already passing judgment on me based on one incident. He didn’t know me like he thought he did. But I already knew I hated him.”

Jules recognizes the harm of making assumptions based on appearance. Her first memory of Josh is of him trying to convince his sister Ava that she is bad news. This interaction targets one of Jules’s insecurities and fuels her hatred of him.

“I’d always been the good-time girl, the one who stuck to casual flings and pushed guys away before they got too close. Scared that if they looked too closely, they would see the real me, and the real me wouldn’t be enough. It hadn’t been enough for my mom or Max. Sometimes, it wasn’t enough even for me. But Josh had seen the worst of me, assumed the worst of me, and he still wanted to stay. It was enough to induce that most dangerous of emotions: hope. He’s seen most of the worst of you, a taunting voice whispered in my head. He didn’t know about my past or the things I’d done for money. He never would. Not if I could help it.”

Jules fears showing others the real her because of her past with Adeline, Alistair, and Max. It takes her years to open up to Josh and even her friends. Jules’s conviction that Josh will never see the worst of her hints at her failure to reveal various truths to him.

“Before, Jules was beautiful in the way grass was green and oceans were deep. It was a fact of life, but not something that particularly touched me. Now, she was beautiful in a way that made me want to drown in her, to let her fill every inch of my soul until she fucking consumed me.”

Josh subverts the supposed connection between beauty and value by seeing Jules as more beautiful after getting to know her. Now that there’s an emotional connection between them, rooted in love rather than mutual hatred, her beauty touches Josh more deeply than before.

“I once read somewhere that the opposite of love wasn’t hate, it was indifference. The flames of hate and passion burned in equal measure. I couldn’t pinpoint the specific moment my feelings toward Josh changed. I didn’t even know what my current feelings toward him were, exactly. All I knew was, he set me ablaze, and I never wanted the fire to go out.”

This quote is a nod to the hate-to-love trope which informs Jules and Josh’s relationship. Hate and love are framed as passionate emotions driven by a measure of care, rather than opposites. The passion of both emotions proves vital to the pair’s healing.

“Perhaps my friends wouldn’t judge me, but I was terrified of how Josh would react. For years, he’d thought I was a horrible person, or at least a horrible influence. The last thing I wanted was to prove his initial impressions of me right when we were finally making progress in our relationship.”

As much as Jules hates assumptions based on first impressions, she becomes trapped by her fear of proving Josh’s first impression of her correct. This fear leads to her betrayal of Josh, which reignites his hatred.

“Three of the people I trusted most all stabbed me in the back. Michael and Alex’s betrayals hurt, but Jules…she knew how fucked up I was from what happened with the others. Intellectually, I understood her reasoning for not telling me earlier. Emotionally, I couldn’t stop the hurt from poisoning every memory of us.”

Due to his history with betrayals, Josh reacts to Jules’s betrayal with anger and resentment. His healing after finding closure with Michael and Alex has only just begun, which is why he acts on instinct and retaliates against Jules.

“I hadn’t trusted him to take my side after learning the truth. I’d been so blinded by my insecurities, so terrified of destroying one of the few beautiful things in my life, that I turned its destruction into a self-fulfilling prophecy. Josh hadn’t cared about the sex tape or the stupid painting. He’d only cared that I lied to him.”

Jules decides to betray Josh’s trust out of fear of destroying their relationship, but ultimately ruins it anyway. By the time she comes forward with the truth, her lies have escalated to a point where Josh is unwilling to listen to her. However, telling the truth is a necessary step in her journey of authenticity.

“No matter how many times I replayed his words, they slashed deep every time. That was the thing about someone who’d seen the best and worst of you—they knew exactly which buttons to push, which words would sting the hardest.”

Jules avoids long-term relationships because former loved ones weaponized her insecurities to hurt her. Max does so by targeting her lingering insecurities, and Josh does so by framing her sexuality as her best quality.

“I would take a thousand fights with Jules over a thousand easy days with anyone else. Because I didn’t want easy. I wanted her.”

This quote mirrors Josh’s earlier claim that pursuing a relationship with Jules would be more effort than it’s worth. Having gotten to know her, he now believes loving her is more rewarding than an easy relationship.

“For all their good-natured teasing, my friends seemed genuinely happy for me—well, after Ava recovered from her initial shock—and now that Josh and I were out in the open, a huge weight had lifted off my shoulders. There was a certain thrill to sneaking around, but I hated lying to my friends.”

After years of keeping secrets, Jules finally achieves freedom in this quote. Little by little, she is opening up to those worth keeping in her life.

“We weren’t eighteen anymore, but we were still us. Even if one of us lived on a different continent now, and we didn’t see each other as much as we used to at school, our friendship was a steady rock. It was comforting to know that no matter how much some things changed, others will always stay the same.”

Jules has always been scared of change because she associates it with instability, the helplessness and loneliness of her childhood. However, she comes to realize that while she and her friends are experiencing changes in career and love, their friendship will remain the same, stable.