Tweak: Growing Up On Methamphetamines

“The thing was, I couldn’t stop. I drank some and then I just had to drink more until the whole glass was drained empty. I’m not sure why. Something was driving me that I couldn’t identify and still don’t comprehend. Some say it’s in the genes. My grandfather drank himself to death before I was born.” 

Nic details his first experience with substance abuse, when he continues to drink hard alcohol despite the fact that it tasted awful. He reveals a family history that indicates that he may be predisposed to substance abuse.

“But as I got deeper and deeper into my using, my surfboards went untouched on their racks in the garage. I lost interest. There’s something devastating about that, though I try not to think about it.” 

Throughout the memoir, Nic constantly recalls things that he loved to do and made him happy prior to becoming addicted to drugs, such as surfing. As he recalls them, he also tries to bury and forget them, showing the escapism that drugs offer him.

“But I was so scared of coming off the drugs. It was like this horrible vicious cycle. The more I used, the more I did things I was ashamed of, and the more I had to use so I never had to face that. When I reached a certain point with my drug use, going back just seemed like too far a journey. Accepting responsibility, admitting guilt, making restitution, hell, just saying I’m sorry—it had become too daunting. All I could do was move forward and keep doing everything in my power to forget the past.” 

Despite of but also because Nic is constantly haunted by his misdeeds as a drug addict, he continues to use. The drugs are a form of escapism for him, because though he recognizes the need to make amends, he would rather avoid it than face what he sees as a gargantuan task.