True Love

When the computer program named Joe asks his creator, Milton, to define love, Milton swiftly gives up, replying simply that love is “an abstract,” which he seems to imply is a human concept that a computer program could not understand. Despite his inability to define this abstract, Milton is confident that he can use a series of concrete, quantitative data points to bring it into being. Before sending Joe into the world to round up potential romantic partners, Milton gives Joe an exhaustive list of specifications. His “true love” should be between 25 and 40 years old, have an IQ of at least 120, and be taller than 4’11” but no taller than 5’9”. She should have no living children and should not have red hair. When these criteria produce too many candidates, he instructs Joe to pare down the list by comparing the women to holographic images of beauty contest winners. Milton’s mistake is in believing that attraction—let alone love—can be reduced to such concrete signifiers. When he meets the women and feels no “spark” with any of them, he is baffled. Despite his extensive preparation, the love he seeks has slipped through his grasp because his system applies only to categories, not to actual people.