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Ashley’s experienced of being “ripped” (10) from her family is deeply traumatic. She does not understand why she is being denied access to her mother and often thinks it is her own fault, asking “my perpetual question: What had I done that was so terrible that I had to be taken from my mother?” (15). This problem is exacerbated by the fact that “nobody [tells her] anything” (10). Repeatedly, she finds herself “asking for my mother, but nobody explain[s] why she [does] not come for me” (11) or asking, “‘Why don’t you ever say anything?’” (99), only to be met with further silence. In fact, “years would pass without anyone answering any of my questions” (10). In some cases, unanswered questions become symbolic of Ashley’s belief that she has done something wrong or that caseworkers, foster families, and other figures are maliciously working against her and her mother and “keeping secrets from me” (15). In other cases, they symbolize the true failings of the foster care system and the negligence of workers like Mr. Ferris, who appear not to care what happens to the children they are supposed to protect.
The instability that characterizes Ashley’s life is highlighted symbolically by her habit of chewing on her nails as a means of suppressing her feelings of anxiety, anger, and sorrow. On the way to meet her mother for the first time in a long time, Ashley chews at her “already-stubby nails” (55), and when Mrs. Moss makes her sing “You Are My Sunshine” (a song with its own symbolic significance), she finds herself “chew[ing] a hangnail to suppress my fury” (92). However, perhaps the instance most laden with symbolism is Ashley conflict over allowing herself to relax in the Merritts’ house. Because she is so used to being disappointed, Ashley chides herself for letting her guard down enough to become comfortable, believing that it will “be easier if they [throw] me out before I really [want] to stay. Why had I allowed myself to relax?” (114). She recognizes that she has become so relaxed that her “nails [have] even grown out” and responds to this by “deliberately bit[ing] them off one by one” (114).
Lorraine regularly calls Ashley “Sunshine” (vii) or reassures her that “‘[y]ou’re my sunshine. I’ll see you soon’” (56),and this name—and the associated song—soon becomes symbolic of maternal love for Ashley. Because of this association, when Mrs. Moss makes Ashley teach the other children to sing “You Are My Sunshine,” Ashley finds that the “words [stick] like a chicken bone in my throat” and insists to herself that “[t]his [is] my song, our song” (92).
Lorraine’s gift of a music box carries a variation on this symbolic meaning. Ashley “open[s] the lid expecting to hear ‘You Are My Sunshine,’” but her mother reveals that “they didn’t have it” (117), highlighting her inability to actually follow up on her claim that Ashley is her “sunshine” by truly providing her with the love and care she needs. Continuing from this, the Courters’ gift of a music box that really does play “You Are My Sunshine,” given on “the sixth anniversary of my adoption” (297) when Ashley completes the first draft of her book, symbolizes the fact that they truly can offer her the familial love and security that Lorraine only promised.
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