The Sound of Gravel: A Memoir

The Sound of Gravel is a memoir by Ruth Wariner about her experiences growing up in a polygamist colony in Mexico. Originally published in 2015, the memoir is a rare, detailed examination of the life of children in polygamist colonies, and it examines several themes, including The Consequence of Childhood Neglect, The Flaws and Dangers of Fundamentalism, Courage and Resilience in the Face of Adversity, and The Joys, Pains, and Sacrifices of Familial Love. Ruth survived and later found happiness and peace.

This guide uses the 2017 Flatiron Books paperback edition of the memoir.

Content Warning: The book and this guide contain descriptions of child sexual abuse and neglect, domestic violence, graphically depicted deaths, and religious abuse and trauma.

Summary

Wariner’s memoir begins and ends happily, describing her wedding preparations. Surrounded by her sisters, she is grateful that they are all with her for the ceremony. She fondly remembers her mother and looks ahead to a brighter future. Reaching this point was not easy, though. Ruth was raised in Colonia LeBaron, a polygamist colony in Mexico that her paternal grandfather, Alma Dayer LeBaron, founded in 1944. Ruth lived in the shadow of her grandfather and his ideology, which held that men should marry as many women and have as many children as possible so that they might become gods in the afterlife. Ruth’s mother, Kathy, and her father, Joel LeBaron, met when Kathy was a teen, marrying when she was 17 and he was 42.

After Joel’s murder, Kathy became Lane’s second wife, bringing Joel’s four children (Matt, Luke, Audrey, and Ruth) with her. They lived in a rundown home with no electricity, and Lane did little to improve it. The food stamps and welfare that Kathy received from the US government were insufficient, and Ruth was often jealous of her cousins who lived in California. The family frequently traveled across the border, and Ruth always remembered the descent into the LeBaron valley on the way home. On Christmas Eve when Ruth was six, she awoke to hear Matt screaming that a mouse was crawling on him. Kathy went out for mouse traps, leaving the children alone, and Audrey, who had a developmental disability, violently attacked the others. When Kathy returned, she was more concerned about Audrey than the children she’d injured. At six years old, Ruth was given more responsibility in the house, and Kathy had another child. Ruth started school and made friends with some of her half-sisters and stepsisters from other families. Simultaneously, Lane began sexually abusing her, first kissing her and then sexually molesting her when he snuck into her room at night. Kathy felt neglected, and tension rose between her and Lane, leading to a violent outburst in which Lane violently attacked Kathy in front of her children. Kathy took the children and left for California to live with her parents.

Ruth loved living with her grandparents because it meant comfort, security, and good food. The atmosphere between Kathy and her parents was awkward, however: They did not approve of her decision to stay in polygamy. Kathy eventually got her own apartment with the kids, and Ruth repeated first grade as Audrey’s outbursts became more frequent and severe. Lane soon arrived, and Kathy forgave him as though nothing had happened. One night, Lane tried to force Audrey to eat by grabbing her neck and shoving a fork in her face. Audrey’s state declined quickly afterward, and she was soon hospitalized permanently. At the same time, Ruth’s youngest sibling, Meri, was not developing properly: She couldn’t hold her head up or move, and Ruth was often tasked with taking care of her. After an argument with her parents, Kathy moved the children to El Paso so that they could be closer to Mexico. Lane prepared a trailer for them, and it was a much better living situation than their previous home in LeBaron. Lane continued to sexually abuse Ruth, and when she told her mother, Kathy initially doubted her and then downplayed the situation, asking Ruth to forgive Lane.

When Kathy left with Lane on a road trip, the children were left alone for several days. Luke and Aaron were caught playing with matches, and social workers eventually appeared to check on the children. They left them with Lane’s brother and determined that Kathy would have to stay in El Paso for two years so that they could keep an eye on the situation, which was a relief to Ruth, who hated moving so often. They went to visit Audrey in the hospital, where she was heavily medicated. Kathy soon had another son, Micah, and Ruth grew close with Maria, the daughter of Lane and his first wife, Alejandra. A year later, Kathy was pregnant again with Elena. Lane’s abuse of Ruth continued, leading her to hate herself and her body. When Meri suddenly died, Ruth and her mother pressed through their grief for the sake of the other children. Kathy thanked Meri for teaching her family the meaning of generosity and unconditional love. At the same time, Lane started transporting Mexican workers across the border with the children and Kathy in the same vehicle, and the family eventually moved to Albuquerque for Lane’s work. Ruth and Maria were told to start selling pine nuts and did so for months, giving most of their earnings to Lane. They often spoke about their mothers and how unhappy they seemed. When Maria talked about running away, Ruth wondered if she could do the same. Ruth later learned that Lane had abused two of his other stepdaughters, and they all decided to tell their mothers together. Their mothers reacted with the same doubt and lack of concern about their children; Ruth believed that Kathy only cared about Lane.

The family eventually returned to LeBaron, where life deteriorated quickly. Matt left for California to work in construction, and Ruth’s final attempt to prove to her mother that Lane could not be forgiven failed. Ruth tried to run away and began drinking and driving recklessly with her friends to escape her chaotic home life. She and Kathy argued at times, and Ruth criticized her mother for staying with Lane. When Ruth was 13, Kathy gave birth to Leah, and by the time Ruth was 14, Matt was planning to marry Maria. He came home to visit the family at Christmas and told Kathy he might not take multiple wives, which disappointed her. (Matt eventually did try to take a second wife, but Maria divorced him.) Ruth started to see that her mother was trapped in her beliefs and would never change, and Kathy’s 10th and final child, Holly, was soon born. One night, after Kathy’s father died, she apologized to Ruth for never showing gratitude for all that Ruth did for the family but then tried again to excuse Lane’s abuse.

One day while Micah was playing with his half-brothers, Alex and Junior, Micah and Junior were electrocuted on a barbed wire fence and died. Lane had improperly put live wires nearby. Ruth found the boys, still hanging from the fence. When she called her mother for help, Kathy came out, panicked, and inadvertently touched the fence. Ruth pulled her off and she was barely still alive. No hospital was nearby and Kathy later died after being taken to a clinic in a nearby town.

Before the funeral, Ruth went to view the already-decaying bodies. At the funeral, the smell was awful, and Ruth’s grandma was the first to leave in protest after an overly long eulogy that had nothing to do with Kathy or the boys. Ruth threw gravel on her mother’s coffin and listened to the sound echoing as she cried. The following day, Lane tried to excuse the accident, but no one took him seriously. Two months later, Luke told Ruth that Lane was molesting him during work trips, and Ruth decided then that her family had to leave LeBaron. She called Matt, and they planned an escape with the help of Marjory, Lane’s fourth wife. Matt drove into LeBaron the following night and took the children across the border with Marjory, who acted as their mother. They made it out safely, and Ruth knew that while she was better off, she would always miss some things about LeBaron.