The Impossible Knife of Memory

Hayley tells Finn about her past. Her mom died in a car accident when she was a baby. She then lived with her grandma until age seven, when Trish began to care for her. She talks about her dad’s four tours of duty, his injuries, and his problems after leaving the army. Trish’s departure was when they started trucking around the country. They moved back to her dad’s hometown after he was arrested for public intoxication. She regrets talking about her past so much, and they go up to Finn’s bedroom. They start to get intimate in bed, but Hayley stops him. She does not want to risk getting pregnant. They sleep in separate sleeping bags. In the morning, she goes home, keys Trish’s car, and gets in bed.

Hayley wakes up in the afternoon. Trish calls her “Lee-Lee,” and Hayley has more flashbacks about her childhood. Andy wants to talk to her, but she tries to leave to mow the lawn. He apologizes for not telling her that Trish was coming and for their fight. He says that Trish is going to stay with them. They argue, and Trish says she is in town for some nursing interviews and is only there as a friend. Hayley says she is going to Gracie’s house.

Hayley and Gracie watch Gracie’s little brother at the playground. Hayley complains about Trish, and Gracie complains about her hangover. Hayley wants to “get rid of” (260) Trish, but Gracie says she cannot do anything about it and should start thinking more about college.

Over the next few days, Finn acts distant and does not talk much because of issues with his sister. Andy’s nightmares grow more frequent. At school, Finn tells the group that his mom may sell her car to pay for his sister’s rehab; he now has to pay his own car insurance. He plans to start lifeguarding to make money. Hayley is surprised because he had not told her any of that. Finn gets mad at Gracie for wanting to talk more about it, and then he gets mad at Hayley, too, when she agrees with Gracie. Finn and Hayley get into a loud argument that attracts stares from other students. Hayley accuses Finn of lying because he did not tell her about his family issues, and he says she did not tell him about her dad, either. Hayley spills everyone’s coffee when she pushes the table, and Finn leaves.

During English class, there is a lockdown. Hayley is pretty sure it is a drill but knows it could be real. She texts Gracie and Finn but Finn does not reply. In the hall, they hear a loud bang. Hayley begins to panic, and there is another loud bang. She realizes it is not the sound of a gun and says so to her scared classmate Jonas. A loudspeaker announcement confirms it was a drill. The class bully, Brandon, realizes that Jonas peed in his pants and makes fun of him while other students laugh. Hayley tells Brandon to stop, and he shoves her. She “grab[s] ahold of his wrist and pull[s] him off balance” (270). He shoves her back, and they fall, leaving Hayley with a bruised cheek. Later, Finn finds Hayley, saying he heard about the fight, which got Brandon suspended. Hayley says she did not get in trouble. She and Finn make up from the morning’s argument.

Hayley’s home life is confusing now that Trish is with them. Hayley sometimes feels like she is in elementary school again. She goes with Trish to the grocery store and fills her own cart with expensive food. She hopes to force Trish to pay for it, but Trish catches on and refuses. Trish says she came to stay with them because Roy asked her to. Apparently, Andy has been emailing her for months; she grew concerned about him, so she asked Roy to check on him. After Roy’s visit, he asked Trish to go. Hayley does not believe her. Trish says she has not consumed alcohol in 27 months. She says, “I am so, so sorry that I left you. It was the worst thing I ever did to another person” (277). She still loves Hayley and Andy, but she worries Andy will hurt himself. Hayley tells her that she hates her.

It snows and school opens late. Ms. Benedetti tells Hayley she needs to talk to her. They sit in the auditorium, and Ms. Benedetti says she invited Andy to speak at the Veterans Day assembly. She confronts Hayley about not taking the SAT or applying to any colleges, and tells her she needs to bring her grades up. Hayley says she does not “even know how to think about” college (283). Ms. Benedetti reveals that the school newspaper is getting cut from the budget, and Mr. Cleveland is about to tell Finn.

It is the day before Veterans Day, which is “traditionally the day when the crazy trapped inside [Andy] chewed its way out of the cage” (284). Last year, he got drunk then shot and threw out the TV because he got mad at a football game. He cried and hurt his hand, so they went to an urgent care. The doctor there prescribed a pill to help him “keep the crazy in its cage” (286), but he never used it.

Hayley has a bad day at school. After arriving home, she realizes that Andy is not home and tries not to worry. She checks to ensure all the guns are locked up. Less than an hour later, Andy and Trish come home. Her dad has a black eye from being punched by a bartender. He and Trish were on a date, but he got too drunk and tried to fight someone. The police came but did not arrest him because Trish explained “the background” (291). Trish asks if Andy has ever hurt Hayley. She lies and says no. She tells Trish to leave.

Hayley’s dad wakes her up for school and says he will drive her. Hayley waits outside while he gets ready. He emerges in full uniform, saying he will attend her school assembly but may change his mind. Hayley tears up.

Hayley and her dad go to see Ms. Benedetti, who explains that Andy will be onstage with the other veterans during the assembly. However, Andy does not want to be crowded on the stage. He goes with Hayley to the cafeteria, where they sit with Finn. A student thanks Andy for his service. He invites the boy and his friends to sit with them. He tells stories and vaguely answers the students’ questions. One student asks if he ever killed anyone and whether it was hard.

Andy tells the origin of Veterans Day, which was the last day of World War I. Officers still sent troops into battle despite knowing the war was ending so they could help their chances at promotion; 11,000 soldiers died that day. Before leaving, he answers the original question: He says that “killing people is easier than it should be [...] Staying alive is harder” (299). He leaves the school.

Andy narrates how “[t]he good soldier swears to kill” (301). Odysseus and even Andy’s own grandfather had time to sail home after war and adjust, but Andy took a plane and so did not have that time. He cannot wash away the sands of war and often wakes up screaming. He is most worried about the way it affects his daughter.

Hayley is proud of her dad for putting on his uniform and “tr[ying] something hard” (302). Finn asks about Andy’s black eye and says Hayley incorrectly blames Trish for her dad’s behavior. Hayley goes home, where her dad and Trish are fighting because Trish wants him to get help. He tells Hayley he wants to start trucking again without her. Hayley says that will not happen, and Trish is mad that he had not yet discussed it with Hayley. Trish gives Hayley her phone number and leaves for an AA meeting.

Hayley is happy that Trish left. A couple days later, she finds a note from Trish with money and a motel address. Andy’s behavior does not improve, and they argue constantly. Hayley’s grades are poor in every class, and she drops down to a lower math class.

Hayley gets a phone call from an unknown woman who says that Andy told her to call. Andy is also on the line, but he is so drunk that Hayley cannot understand him. The woman says her dad is getting kicked out for fighting and needs to be picked up. Hayley calls Gracie and asks if she can use her mom’s car, but she says no. She then calls Finn, who thinks she should not get her dad but agrees to pick her up so she will not walk. At the bar, Hayley is told her dad is in the bathroom. He is very drunk and dirty. Finn helps her get Andy in the car. He asks, “How much longer can you keep doing this? [...] You take care of him more than he takes care of you” (314). Hayley is not sure.

In gym class, Gracie asks Hayley if Finn is okay. Hayley says he is struggling with physics and stressed about seeing his sister for Thanksgiving. Hayley suspects he will break up with her soon. Gracie is dreading Thanksgiving, too, because her parents have been fighting so much. She begs Hayley and her dad to come to her house for Thanksgiving.

The day before Thanksgiving, Hayley and Finn go to the mall. He says that someone stole his mom’s hidden money; they think it was his sister. He shops for a shirt to wear to Thanksgiving, and Hayley calls her dad a few times without success. Panicked, she tells Finn to hurry up. She leaves the store and demands that Finn drive her home. They argue, and she heads to the exit of the mall. Finn agrees to drive her, but she breaks up with him.

It is Thanksgiving morning, and Hayley and Finn have not spoken since she left the mall. She reminds Andy about dinner at Gracie’s and bakes a pie. Gracie texts her that the dinner is canceled. Hayley brings the pie to her house, but no one opens the door. That night, Gracie tells her about her parents’ latest fight. Hayley texts Finn but does not get a response.