49 pages • 1 hour read
The Girl I Used to Be
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Character Analysis
Ariel Benson/Olivia Reinhart
The novel’s protagonist is a 17-year-old young woman whose adoptive name is Olivia Reinhart. She was born Ariel Benson, daughter of Terry and Naomi, who were in their late teens when Ariel was conceived. When Ariel was three, she lost both her mother and father to a murderer. She spent the next four years living with her grandmother, who then unexpectedly died of a heart attack. After this, Ariel spends about a decade in foster care—most of it as Olivia—before emancipating herself and living on her own.
At the beginning of the novel, Ariel’s world is small and isolated. The state’s refusal to allow her paternal family to adopt her after her maternal grandmother’s death alienated Olivia from a supportive network of family and from her own sense of self and history. Olivia is significantly marked by trauma—she has experienced a wide variety of traumatic experiences that have left her with a feeling of isolation. It seems that Olivia’s life is much more about surviving than it is about thriving. She has few possessions, no apparent hobbies or activities, no friends worth mentioning, and no family. The degree to which she is cut off from the rest of the world becomes evident when she moves to a different state spontaneously with no calls to make other than to her former manager for a recommendation.
Another important aspect of Olivia’s character is the distance she places between herself and other people. In some ways, she enforces this distance even internally—she cannot be truly sure that she was ever loved by her mother and father. She lost her grandmother, too, at a vulnerable age and believes that her father’s family rejected her. Combining this belief with the subsequent rejection by her adoptive mother, Tamsin Reinhart, Olivia has very little self-worth. Her response to this series of abandonments has been to close in on herself. Even that provided little relief, however, for she has always believed that she must have some of her father’s murderous rage inside of her. For this reason, she is as unable to hold either herself or the vague outline of her father close.
As the novel progresses, the qualities that allowed Olivia to stay as stable as she is become more evident. Olivia is intelligent, determined, and adaptable. She is intellectually flexible and approaches problems from several different angles. These qualities work both to drive her desire to solve her parents’ murders and direct her success in the endeavor. Though Olivia does not solve the mystery, her investigations teach her a great deal about the people of Medford, their relationships, their secrets, and their characters.
Ultimately, Olivia openly acknowledges that she is Ariel. She forms relationships with the people she’s been separated from for so long. The end of the novel finds Ariel using her real name, putting her own personal stamp on her childhood home, and working towards a better future for herself. Though Ariel did not solve the crime, she did triumph over a life full of trauma and alienation and reclaim her place in the family and community.
Nora Murdoch
Nora is the woman who lived next door to Olivia’s grandmother for many years. She and Olivia’s grandmother, Sharon, were long-time friends. Because of this, Olivia spent a great deal of time with Nora in both of their homes. Nora even attempted to adopt Olivia after her grandmother’s death but was rejected on the basis of her age and heart condition.
Nora is a warm, generous, and loving woman who is beloved by the community. Olivia forgot about her until she saw her again in Medford—Nora is the first instance of the “doubling” that Olivia experiences repeatedly throughout the novel, in which she sees both the present (today’s Nora) and the past (the Nora of 10 years ago). For this reason, Nora’s easy acceptance of and affection for Olivia is important; as Nora represents a profoundly validating and yet tenuous connection to her family, it’s significant that she promptly takes Olivia in and begins caring for her.
Nora also provides a different perspective on death. Whereas the other discussions of death consider the murder of two young people, Nora sees death as a natural and not unwelcome next step for her. She also speaks of an afterlife or an immortal spirit that Olivia, in her emotional repression, rarely considers. This frightens Olivia, but the peace Nora feels about her journey towards death provides a strong counterpoint to the rest of the novel.
Naomi Benson
Naomi became pregnant with Ariel/Olivia when she was 17 years old. Though she was young, she embraced the arrival of her daughter and loved being a mother. She was smart, high-spirited, and friendly. Other members of the community express that Naomi was a loving mother who was very devoted to Ariel/Olivia. The cigar box that Naomi kept under her floorboards shows that she was a sentimental person who cherished good memories. That is reinforced by the gifts and tributes people still leave on her gravestone. While everyone else has grown older, Naomi was frozen at a moment in time: 20 years old, a young mother with her whole life ahead of her. The people who remember her now are older, so their impression of her perpetual youth certainly influences their recollections and stories about her. Even young Ariel’s insistence in the wake of the murders that her mom was “dancing” freezes Naomi in a moment of ethereal, youthful grace.
The only “appearance” of Naomi in the novel is the ambiguous scene where the voices of a man and a woman “speak” to Olivia in the forest. Olivia does not remember the voices of her parents, so she can’t definitively say that’s who she is hearing, but the implications are present. Though this is more a symbolic act of speech than a physical one, it does demonstrate that Naomi has become fleshed out enough that Olivia can “hear” her.
Terry Weeks
Olivia’s father, Terry, was a year older than Naomi—18—when they had Olivia. As a parental figure, he’s more remote than Naomi for a couple of noteworthy reasons: one, because he was long believed to be Naomi’s murderer; two, because he didn’t live full-time with them for any of Olivia/Ariel’s life. Therefore, Olivia does not have many memories of her father.
Olivia spent almost her entire life believing that her father killed her mother and then abandoned Olivia hours away from her home. As Olivia says in the second chapter of the novel, she’s always looked for pieces of him in herself. Considering that all she knows of him is the image of a killer, finding aspects of her father in her own character has been frightening and alienating.
The community, too, needs to heal the wound that’s been kept open by the narrative around the murders. For 14 years, Terry has been assumed guilty. This left those who didn’t believe he was guilty in a hostile psychological environment. Terry was not grieved the same way that Naomi was. As a result, the memorial service has a unique mixture of euphoria (that he was not guilty) and guilt (that they believed him guilty). Terry’s impetuousness and liveliness can be seen as positive traits again. He is now described as the “life of the party,” and his hunting has lost the shadow of the murders.
Terry will always be harder for Olivia to access than Naomi. The hopeful note at the end of the novel is that Olivia, now Ariel, has been accepted into the paternal side of her family. This suggests that Ariel will form a new sense of closeness with her late father, one that is informed by the memories of the people who loved him.
Duncan
Duncan is the first person who admits to recognizing that Olivia is Ariel. He is initially introduced as a romantic interest for Olivia. When he next appears, he’s come to confront Olivia over her “real” identity. Duncan is significant because he is the first person with whom Olivia forms an emotional connection in Medford, other than Nora. Olivia confides in him and allows him to help her with the investigation. The way Duncan processes the possibilities of motive and murderer allows Olivia to explore her belief that people tell themselves only what they want to hear.
Their awkward, fledgling romance is also one of Olivia’s first “normal” experiences. Where every connection she has to others is complex, ambiguous, or secretive, Duncan is mostly just a boy who likes her and wants to help her. He is also a valuable in-road to the inner workings of the pool of suspects. When they kiss in the tree house, it’s the first instance of teenaged normalcy in her life that Olivia mentions. Duncan’s awkwardness in saying they should just be friends to mitigate Olivia’s discomfort is also relatable. For Duncan, his relationship is fairly straightforward: A long-lost childhood friend has returned, and he likes her. For Olivia, it’s much more complicated: A person from her early life has recognized her, which jeopardizes her safety and mission; his contributions to her investigation are frequently at odds with her own beliefs, and she’s rarely had a friend, much less a boyfriend.
Duncan’s easier, more straightforward affection and friendship work as a balm for Olivia, though. He becomes someone she can rely on—one of the first in her young life. When she’s being chased in the woods, Duncan is who Olivia reaches out to. Not only does he believe her, he shows up for her. Very few people have “shown up” for Olivia in her lifetime without being taken from her. That Duncan is shot is a repetition of that pattern, but Duncan happily lives. Their connection pulls Olivia further out of the shell in which she’s hidden herself and back into being Ariel, a cherished member of the family and community.
Stephen Spaulding
Spaulding is the murderer of Olivia/Ariel’s parents. Very interestingly, the actual events he confesses to are one of the few motivations that weren’t previously discussed in the novel. This might be because Spaulding, as the chief of police, has the power to direct the narrative away from the truth. It’s noteworthy that Spaulding is both the criminal (who fills the community with fear and dread) and the law (who ostensibly offers the community justice and safety).
The core of Spaulding’s confession is that he did not have a “choice” but to kill Naomi, then Nora, and now Olivia. This claim turns earlier considered motives on their heads. Previously, everyone expected that the couple was killed by someone who was motivated by strong emotion or the compulsive desire to kill. Spaulding introduces another: It would have been uncomfortable and inconvenient for him not to kill. In some ways, this is a much colder motivation than the others considered. Spaulding is driven entirely by self-interest. The murders are about him, not Terry, Naomi, Nora, or Olivia.
From the start to the end of Spaulding’s crimes, he was concerned only with what he wanted and felt he needed. He was in the forest that day hunting without a permit because his family was financially struggling. Killing Terry was an accident, but not something driven by malicious intent. We’d have to speculate on the consequences had Spaulding simply admitted his mistake to the authorities, but Spaulding doesn’t mention lifetime incarceration as one of his fears. He says only, “I already wanted to be a cop, but shooting Terry meant that would never happen. Shooting Terry meant my life was over” (205).
Of course, the only life really “over” in that moment was Terry’s. Spaulding was not only willing to accept that in service of his own desires, but he was willing to end another life to preserve himself. He claims he only meant to push Naomi away, but we know he stabbed her 19 times. The way Spaulding frames his confession to Olivia supports Olivia’s conviction that people cover hard truths with illusions to protect themselves. Spaulding tells himself he’s a “good” cop, husband, and father—but he’s a multiple murderer who stops at nothing to preserve his own comfort and power.
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