The First State of Being

For both Michael and Ridge, guilt and grief are closely intertwined throughout the novel. Michael longs to protect his loved ones from all possible harm, and his belief that he should be able to do so leads him to blame himself whenever things go wrong. For instance, Michael blames himself for his mother losing her job at the Gibsons’ store because she stayed home to care for him when he was ill (100). Although many adults he trusts and looks up to (e.g., Mr. Mosley) tell him otherwise, Michael continues to fixate on his perceived guilt and look for ways to make amends for much of the book. He fixates on the coming Y2K disaster, keeping a stash of stolen goods meant to support him and his mother during the rioting and dystopian chaos he believes will follow the turning of the century. For Michael, the predicted Y2K bug symbolizes all the unpredictability of the future, and the stash—full of his mother’s favorite foods—represents his hope that he can keep her safe no matter what happens. He even calculates how much food his birthday shoes could buy, thereby denying his own desires. Michael essentially embodies Ridge’s own fear that mistakes mean one doesn’t deserve good things.