The First State of Being

“Once upon a time she [Ms. Rosario] had been a shift supervisor at Super Saver, and she’d only needed one job. But that was before Michael ruined everything.”

At one point, the Rosarios’ lives were more balanced—Ms. Rosario only had one job, and Michael could spend more time with her. However, she was fired after she stayed home to care for Michael when he was sick; this traumatized him. Although Ms. Rosario losing her job wasn’t really Michael’s fault, it kickstarts the extreme guilt that will influence many of his decisions throughout the book.

“It was what she [Ms. Rosario] always said. I took every breath. In other words: if she was still here, still breathing, it was a good day, and she was thankful for it.”

In contrast to Michael, who is always worrying about future “what ifs,” Ms. Rosario lives firmly in the first state of being (the present). She appreciates the positives in life—regardless of how she feels about her three jobs, if she is breathing, she is alive; if she is alive, that is a good day. It will take a long time for Michael to achieve this perspective, too.

“‘But…’ he [Michael] said again, thinking about the neat stack of monthly bills on the kitchen counter and all the Y2K supplies they could buy with a hundred and fifty dollars. ‘How…’

‘It’s your birthday,’ Ms. Rosario repeated cheerfully. ‘And this is your birthday gift.’

[…]

Ms. Rosario wrapped her arm around his shoulders. ‘All you have to do is say thank you.’

Michael swallowed.

‘Thank you,’ he said.”

Along with his enormous guilt, Michael is obsessed with taking care of his mother. By doing so, he can make amends for the disaster he believes he caused. However, these fixations eclipse his appreciation for the positives in his life, leading him to deny himself the pleasure of expensive shoes in lieu of amassing more supplies for his Y2K stash.