The Comfort Book

Content Warning: This section of the guide contains references to suicidal ideation, sexual abuse, the Holocaust/antisemitism, and slavery.

The first chapter, titled “Baby,” instructs the reader to imagine themself as a baby. Haig suggests that when people look at a baby, they think that the baby lacks nothing; a baby’s value “does not depend on external things like wealth or appearance or politics or popularity” but rather encompasses the “infinite value of human life” (5). Although people remain valuable as they grow, they forget their inherent value, which Haig seeks to remind them of.

In “You are the goal,” Haig emphasizes that self-love does not require continual self-improvement. Self-compassion should override the “pressure” in the world. In the same chapter, Haig writes, “Nothing is stronger than a small hope that doesn’t give up” (7).

In “A thing my dad said once when we were lost in a forest,” Haig recounts a time when he was 12 or 13. He and his father got lost in a forest in France while out for a run. Upon realizing they were lost, they walked fruitlessly in circles. Haig’s father asked two poachers for directions, and they sent them the wrong way. Haig and his father had been gone for hours when Haig’s father said, “If we keep going in a straight line, we’ll get out of here” (9). This strategy led them to a main road, which helped them find their way back. Haig shares that he remembers to walk in a straight line when he is literally or figuratively adrift.

In “It’s okay,” Haig provides a list of encouraging, empathetic words, beginning with the words “It’s okay.”

In “Power,” Haig quotes Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius, who suggested that suffering arose not from external things but from the human response to them. Haig emphasizes that changing one’s perspective on one’s life is in many ways equivalent to changing one’s life.

In “Nothing either good or bad,” Haig quotes Shakespeare’s Hamlet: “[T]here is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so” (14). Although Prince Hamlet believes Denmark and the world at large to be a prison, he acknowledges the importance of mindset: Denmark and the world are not “intrinsically bad.” Anything can be viewed in multiple ways, and people can work to “expand” their minds. Haig states that although minds create prisons, they also “give […] keys” (15).

Haig expands upon the key metaphor in “Change is real.” Keys “unlock” possibilities for evolution and growth. Haig suggests that “change is the nature of life” and also “the reason to hope” (16). People and circumstances are always in flux, so there is always the possibility that things—or oneself—will change for the better. Haig concludes that people should “stay alive” not only for the people they will meet but for the people they will be.

In a one-sentence chapter titled “To be is to let go,” Haig states that “[s]elf-forgiveness makes the world better. You don’t become a good person by believing you are a bad one” (17).

In “Somewhere,” Haig discusses finding hope in art, stories, or music. Harold Arlen and Yip Harburg wrote the song “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in 1939. Yip had experienced the horrors of World War I and was bankrupted following the stock market crash of 1929. Harold’s twin brother died in infancy. Both men were Jewish, but they wrote a song about hope during Adolf Hitler’s rise to power. Haig states that to feel hope, one must simply understand that things will change and that life contains light as well as dark.

In “Songs that comfort me—a playlist,” Haig lists 25 songs that he finds comforting.

In “Mountain,” Haig stresses the importance of seeing a problem—or “mountain”—clearly in order to move past it.

In “Valley,” Haig argues that thoughts inspired by negative emotion are not facts. When Haig was 24, he believed he would never see his 25th birthday. However, while his feelings of depression were real, the things they led him to believe were not. Time is “bigger” than depression and provides the “perspective despair and fear refuse to give” (24). Haig likens the troughs of mental health to the bottom of a valley, from which it is difficult to see the landscape in its totality.

In “Sum,” Haig notes that when a person says, “I am in pain,” the “I” is bigger than the pain itself. Haig used to identify with his depression by referring to himself as a “depressive” rather than describing himself as someone with depression. He compares his emotions to a cinema. He once believed that the cinema would only play one film on repeat: A Nightmare on Haig Street. He did not realize that it would one day show The Sound of Music or It’s a Wonderful Life. Haig points out that one moves forward by simply staying alive and describes finding light even during the darkest parts of his life. Haig argues that by appreciating their own “vastness,” people can recognize that they have room not only for pain, but also for things like joy, hope, and love.

In “The subject in the sentence,” Haig reminds readers that who they are is not quantifiable. A person is “the subject of [their] sentence” (27).

In “To remember during the bad days,” Haig reiterates that negative feelings won’t last; everyone has felt other things, and they will feel other things again, just as bad weather passes. What matters, Haig says, is the fact that one continues to exist.

In “For when you reach rock bottom,” Haig encourages readers to persevere: “You have survived everything you have been through, and you will survive this too” (29). He again encourages readers to think of their future selves and the possibilities they contain.

In “Rock,” Haig compares the “rock” of the phrase “rock bottom” to “the solid bit of you” that endures. He suggests this solid foundation is a “soul” (30).

In “Ten books that helped my mind,” Haig recommends 10 books to help alleviate emotional distress.

In “Words,” Haig recalls taking a course in critical theory as a graduate student of English literature—in particular, the deconstructionist idea that a gap exists between the “signifier” (e.g., a word) and the “signified” (what the signifier represents). When Haig became ill, he felt like “a walking signifier, signifying a person I could never quite be” (33), and he talked and wrote about how he felt in an attempt to bridge that distance. Although a gap will always remain, sharing one’s thoughts, feelings, and experiences facilitates understanding, both from others and of oneself. Writing does not “capture” feelings but “release[s]” them.

“Words (two)” explores the experience of depression and trauma causing one to lose their ability to speak. As a child, Maya Angelou stopped talking for five years after her mother’s boyfriend sexually abused her. When her mother’s boyfriend was killed, eight-year-old Maya felt guilty and stopped talking for years. However, through reading, Maya found her voice again and became a celebrated poet of the civil rights movement. Her life demonstrates that “[l]anguage gives us the power to voice our experience, to reconnect with the world, and to change our own and other people’s lives” (35).

In “The power of why,” Haig explores the cathartic quality of writing. Writing about bad experiences does not make Haig feel worse, but rather brings “inner darkness into external light” (36). Haig suggests that people write honestly and ask “why?”—and then ask “why?” again to that answer, and so on. Doing so can spark realizations and improve insight.

In “The gaps of life,” Haig observes that when a person takes items out of a room, they notice and appreciate the items that remain even more. He therefore suggests that when people lose things, what remains has more value.

“A few don’ts” lists 10 sentences that provide a bit of valuable advice.

In “Foundation,” Haig encourages readers to be themselves rather than worrying about fitting in to find friends.

In “Purple saxifrage,” Haig describes the plant of the same name. Although the flowers appear delicate, they survive by “clustering together” in the Arctic (42).

In “Connected,” Haig points out that all people are connected in multiple ways. For that reason, people can help themselves by working to make others happy.

In “A thing I discovered recently,” Haig compares stillness and slowness to “listening to the earth’s heartbeat” (44).

In the chapter titled “Pear,” Haig expresses appreciation for the simplicity of being alive, sitting on a sofa, and eating a pear.

“Toast” compares the search for the meaning of life to the search for the meaning of toast; Haig advises simply eating the toast.

In “Hummus,” Haig shares that he finds hummus and the process of preparing it comforting. He lists the ingredients he uses to make his best hummus.

In “There is always a path through the forest,” Haig discusses how hope is “persistent” and can survive even when everything looks bleak. He defines hope as remaining open to possibility and having faith that a way out of the “forest” will present itself.

In “Pizza,” Haig argues that “the best of life exists beyond the things we are encouraged to crave” (51).

“A little plan” provides everyday advice on living a happier and more fulfilling life.

In “Ladders,” Haig critiques the perspective that life is an “uphill climb” (53). Although climbing ladders is a popular metaphor for success, Haig argues that it is a limiting analogy, as ladders present only two options for movement: up or down.

In “Life is not,” Haig lists five things life is not—e.g., something to “solve” or achieve.

In “Life is,” Haig gives Søren Kierkegaard’s definition: “a reality to experience” (55). On the following page, he also includes a quotation by Friedrich Nietzsche about embracing life as it is.

“Chapter” emphasizes the importance of letting go of the past and of things one cannot change to begin another “chapter” in one’s life.

In “Room,” Haig asks readers to imagine forgiving themselves completely and allowing their pasts to “float through” the present and away “like air through a window, freshening a room” (58).

In “No,” Haig lists sentences that include the word “No.” He encourages readers to say “no” when doing otherwise would limit or hurt them.

Haig shares the following Serbian proverb: “Be humble because you are made of earth. Be noble, for you are made of stars” (61).

In “The maze,” Haig acknowledges that one can only escape a maze by trying new routes and hitting dead ends. The knowledge obtained by going the wrong way is critical to finding the right way.

“Knowledge and the forest” recounts how, in 1971, 17-year-old Juliane Koepcke was in a plane crash that killed all 91 other people aboard the plane, including Koepcke’s mother. Koepcke survived but sustained a broken collar bone and deep cuts on her legs. Through her knowledge and willpower, she survived her 11-day voyage through the Amazon rainforest and eventually found men who returned her to civilization. The story illustrates the importance of assessing one’s situation honestly and confronting it.

In “Minds and windows,” Haig acknowledges that the mind often plays tricks that impede self-awareness. Like windows, minds do not provide a full and accurate view of reality.

In “A paradox,” Haig notes that most therapy patients feel they do not fit in with other people. Haig finds it both reassuring and paradoxical that what unites people is their sense of being isolated.

In “Crossroads,” Haig states that rather than feeling pressured to be decisive, people should take their time at metaphorical “crossroads” in life. It is more important to consider the right direction than to choose quickly and go the wrong way.

In “Happiness,” Haig defines happiness as “an accident of self-acceptance” (70). He quotes Helen Keller on the importance of not missing new opportunities for happiness by fixating on old ones.

“One beautiful thing” encourages readers to seek out one such thing daily, if only as a reminder that beauty exists in the world and will continue to do so when readers can better appreciate it.

In “Growth,” Haig suggests that difficult times stretch a person’s capabilities, which they can then cultivate positively when the difficult times pass.

In “Pasta,” Haig states, “No physical appearance is worth not eating pasta for” (74).

In “How to be random,” Haig tells the story of his grandparents and parents to underscore the unlikeliness of any given individual existing; the fact that they nevertheless do is miraculous.

“The future is open” argues that to be hopeful, one must be open to the possibilities of the future.

In “Being, not doing,” Haig reminds readers that their value is innate, not something they must find.

In “Short,” Haig simply states, “Life is short. Be kind” (79).

“Peanut butter on toast” describes the process of preparing peanut butter on toast, which Haig portrays as akin to a religious ritual. He encourages readers to acknowledge that they are alive and human and about to eat the peanut butter and toast; he then encourages them to appreciate every moment and every bite.