The Beginning of Everything

Throughout the narrative, the theme of knowing yourself, knowing how others see you, and understanding where you belong is applied to each of the main characters. Before his accident, Ezra saw himself as “embarrassingly popular” (5), riding high as the golden boy of the school, hanging out with the popular group at the pinnacle of the school’s social hierarchy. After his accident, Ezra discovers how fragile that hierarchy is and how its structure changes depending on the angle from which you view it. From the debate team’s perspective, the “popular” group is shallow and dumb, made up of “brainless jocks who win high-school popularity contests and the vapid girls who worship them” (112). When Ezra was part of that Tier One group, he assumed that the only worthwhile social events were the elite kegger parties, oblivious to the floating movie theaters, flash mobs, or other interesting activities that other students enjoyed. Charlotte and her friends maintain their status (in their own eyes) by demeaning everyone else. For example, she initiates the cruel “joke vote” for homecoming king and queen, refers to the debate team as “losers,” and mocks Cassidy’s style of dress. There is nothing authentic about Charlotte or Jill; they are too busy fitting into the classic “popular” high school student mold to have time to discover who they really are.

After the accident, but before he connects with Toby and Cassidy, Ezra realizes that he does not belong with his group, and he is terrified: “It was like the part of me that had enjoyed those friends had evaporated, leaving behind a huge, echoing emptiness, and I was scrabbling on the edge of it, trying not to fall into the hole within myself because I was terrified to find out how far down it went” (41). It takes the accident to drag him away from his narrow perspective of what a successful high school life looks like. Ezra’s tragedy forces him to analyze who he is and who accepts him for who he is and then—when the blinders are off—to act on that knowledge.

Toby has always known who he is, even in the aftermath of his tragedy. As Toby tells Ezra, “I was the fat kid who drew comic books. I was going to be bullied no matter what” (269). Even when issues, such as his sexuality, are still blurry for him, Toby doesn’t doubt who he intrinsically is; he maturely acknowledges that he needs to wait until after high school to get clarity on some things. Toby is secure and confident with his genuine group of interesting friends, his high academic achievements (AP classes), and his solid family background. Despite being shunned by Ezra when they were 12, Toby is so nonjudgmental that he initiates and welcomes Ezra’s friendship in high school. Toby knows Ezra better than Ezra knows himself: He knows that Ezra does not belong in Charlotte and Evan’s group. Toby, never wavering from his “nerdy, quick-witted,” and kind personality, is simply happy to have Ezra back.

Cassidy thinks she knows her authentic self: a high-achieving, “sad, lonely mess who studies too much” (329). However, Cassidy does not show that person at Eastwood High. She moved to Eastwood to get away from her past, and she makes a conscious decision to create a new, mysterious, “bohemian adventurer” personality. Cassidy believes that it is better to let others imagine who you really are because relationships are always temporary: “We move through each other’s lives like ghosts, leaving behind haunting memories of people who never existed” (330). To Cassidy, it makes sense to portray an exciting, eccentric personality that is more interesting than her real one, allowing her to choose how people see her and to be deliberately “misremembered.” Ezra has a different sense of her: his memories of Cassidy portray a girl who is consistently smart, witty, and adventurous; while she may also be sad and lonely, some of her “imaginary” positive traits are likely authentic but dismissed by her because of her deep-seated insecurities.