The Beginning of Everything

“I still think that everyone’s life, no matter how unremarkable, has a singular tragic encounter after which everything that really matters will happen. That moment is the catalyst—the first step in the equation.”

This quote encapsulates Ezra’s philosophy about life. He applies it to himself, Cassidy, and Toby, and he believes it is true for everyone. The underlying message is that until a moment of tragedy, life may follow a predictable path, often prescribed by other people’s expectations. It is only when people are forced to make hard life choices that they can fully understand the depth of their true self.

“In the context of a mathematical proof, if something is considered ‘invalid,’ it has been demonstrated through irrefutable logic not to exist. […] The word was fitting for me. I had been Ezra Faulkner, golden boy, but that person no longer existed.”

This quote is taken from Ezra’s musings about who he is before returning to school. He gets “proof” that he is invalid by secretly trying some tennis serves and failing—he conflates the mathematical meaning of the word with the slur used for people with physical disability. In this quote, Ezra intellectualizes his biggest fear: that he no longer knows who he is.

“Tennis was like a video game, one that I’d beaten a million times, with the pleasure of winning long gone. A game that I’d kept on playing because people expected me to, and I was good at doing what people expected.”

This quote is important because it indicates that Ezra’s life before the accident was based on other people’s expectations of and for him. Everyone expects him to continue playing tennis and then go to a state school on an athletic scholarship, and he happily goes along with the expectations before his “tragedy” forces him to look at other life options.

“That was what excited people around here, getting together a mob to shoo the coyote back into the avocado groves, to remove the interloper from our perfect little planned community. No one went looking for adventure; they chased it away.”

This quote shows the mentality of the gated community where Ezra and Cassidy live. The brief references throughout the book to immigrant farmers working in the fields outside the community seem to echo the “interloper” sentiment, adding to the image of an insular and boring—but “safe”—community. Cassidy, like the coyote, brings the missing adventure into Ezra’s life.

“I’d never before walked out of a classroom with my mind racing because of what I’d learned. […] It was as though my brain was suddenly capable of considering the world with far more complexity, as though there was so much more to see and do and learn.”

After crashing university courses with Cassidy, Ezra is truly fired up about an academic subject for the first time. He is surprised that it was organic chemistry that flipped the switch for him. This is the beginning of Ezra’s realization that there might be more to his life than he imagined; the point of education becomes clear to him. As the book progresses, Ezra sees that he can apply academic concepts—even ones as abstract as molecular structures—to everyday life.

“The line is, ‘Tell me, what is it you plan to do/With your one wild and precious life?’”

Cassidy quotes a line from a poem by Mary Oliver after Ezra tells her about the pain and isolation he experienced during his recovery and says that he doesn’t think he’ll fit into an Ivy League college. Cassidy is trying to encourage him to expand his life rather than restrict it. Cassidy used to write this line of poetry to herself as a reminder not to be afraid of the future or dwell with embarrassment on the past. As Cassidy’s story unfolds, “one wild and precious life” seems also to apply to Owen.

“You’re all brooding and depressed now, and don’t ask me why, but dark, deep, and twisty totally works for you. You could have anyone you want, so ditch the social outcasts and stop sulking over your sprained knee.”

Charlotte tries to persuade Ezra to rejoin their lunch table, mocking him after he tells her that Cassidy and he are “just friends.” Ezra sees himself as broken and unattractive, and Charlotte is letting him know that that is not how others see him. This quote also beautifully encapsulates how narcissistic and ignorant Charlotte is. She is interested in Ezra only because other girls find him attractive, and she refers to his destroyed knee as a “sprain.”

“I was nervous that I’d fail to see what was so wonderful about putting on a suit and talking about government. Nervous that I didn’t really belong with this group of friends after all. That I was destined to forever be someone whose defining characteristic was lost forever at seventeen, rather than found.”

This quote speaks to the underlying theme of belonging. Although he is new to debate, Ezra is more worried about not belonging than about failing at the activity. Ezra enjoys the debate group, knows he loves Cassidy, and has a solid history with Toby, but he still second-guesses whether he has found his place. The accident robbed Ezra of who he thought he was, and the seed of self-doubt has been sown, leaving the underlying fear that this “new” Ezra will also be taken from him.

“We have all been fooled into believing in people who are entirely imaginary—made-up prisoners in a hypothetical panopticon. But the point isn’t whether or not you believe in imaginary people; it’s whether or not you want to.”

Ezra is deciding whether to enter his real name or a fictional one in the geocache app. Cassidy unhesitatingly enters a fictional name, not just because she used to with Owen, or because it fits her “unconventional” personality, but because Schneider is foreshadowing the twist that Cassidy is knowingly pretending to be someone she is not. Cassidy is the prisoner in her own panopticon and wants to be an “imaginary” person in other people’s eyes. Ezra, on the other hand, enters his real name and reaches a point of understanding and embracing his authentic self—not wanting to be a figment of other people’s imagination.

“Well, I think it’s beautiful. A word for remembering small moments destined to be lost.”

Cassidy tells Ezra about the French word “sillage.” She is referring to the fireworks, but the meaning of the word—the lingering impressions of something lost—are just as applicable to Ezra’s memories of Cassidy in high school. During this conversation, Ezra tells Cassidy that he thinks “sillage” is “an excuse for holding onto the past,” an unwitting reference to Cassidy’s inability to move on from Owen’s death (178).

“Ever since the accident, I had only seen the things that were wrong: my hair grown out from its athlete’s cut, my muscles diminished, my tan replaced by an unhealthy pallor, my formerly fitted jeans hanging off my hip bones, even with the aid of a belt. […] They were still there, of course, but not as flaws, just as facts.”

This quote captures how Ezra comes to terms with the reality of his new physique. Despair at the way he looks changes to a healthy, comfortable acceptance. With the help of Cassidy, Ezra realizes that he is OK with this different version of himself, that this new version can replace the golden boy he was and be just as, if not more, successful in life.

“I wondered for a moment if I gave the impression of being the sort of guy who would disown his best friend over something like that. It wasn’t a nice thought.”

After Toby shares with Ezra that he thinks he might be gay but is not ready to come out, he thanks Ezra for “being cool,” causing Ezra to have the above thought. This quote provides some insight into how others saw Ezra before the accident, when he was with his old friends who had already called Toby a “faggot.” Not everyone saw Ezra as a “golden boy.” This quote also shows Ezra’s ability to be introspective, to acknowledge his mistakes and change.

“How could it have been you? My God, Ezra, look at yourself. You’re a washed-up prom king who lost his virginity to some cheerleader in a hot tub. You take me out for burgers and Friday-night movies at the multiplex. You’re everything I make fun of about small hick towns like this one, and you’re still going to be here in twenty years, coaching the high-school tennis team so you can relive your glory days.”

Cassidy says this to Ezra from the castle in the park on the night of the dance. This barrage of hurtful words is designed to push Ezra away. The quotation touches on everything that used to be important to Ezra: First, she questions his intelligence for thinking she would like him; then, she takes apart each of his shallow achievements—his prom king crown, dating a trophy girl, and fooling himself that high-school athletics are the pinnacle of success. She also insults his town and mocks the evenings they had together, which in his mind were perfect. She destroys him in one short speech.

“I cried for my brokenness, the way the words had crippled me, and the three unspoken words I’d been carrying with me for a while now, and how one of them had changed. ‘I hate you, Cassidy Thorpe,’ I whispered.”

These are Ezra’s thoughts following Cassidy’s verbal assault at the castle park. It is important because Ezra uses the word “crippled.” Ezra’s accident has harmed him by damaging his knee, but he doesn’t refer to himself as having physical disability. When Luke insults him using the word “crippled,” it is shocking and unforgivable. Therefore, the profound depth of emotional damage Cassidy caused is captured by Ezra referring to himself using the same term. He is so devastated that “love” has flipped to “hate,” albeit temporarily.

“I’ll always be sitting on the sidelines, and this whole thing was just an elaborately cruel reminder that I could never go back to the way things had been, no matter where I sat during lunch.”

Ezra rejoins his old lunch table and then watches his tennis team practice; Ezra is keeping Trevor (who has a sprained ankle) company. This quote captures Ezra’s realization that Trevor will improve and return to playing tennis, but he will forever be sidelined in this group. Finding where he fits in is not as simple as picking a lunch table, and experiences like this force Ezra to embrace his authentic self and not try to relive the past.

“It was as though I’d gone on an epic adventure, chased down fireworks and buried treasure, danced to music that only I could hear, and had returned to find that nothing had changed except me.”

Ezra’s thoughts underscore the psychological transformation and the emotional maturation that he has undergone during his time with Cassidy. He is sitting back with Evan and Jimmy, finding them painful to be around now. Ezra doesn’t blame his old friends but acknowledges that he has changed, his eyes opened to who he really is. However, having been left by Cassidy, Ezra feels he has no choice but to sit back with Evan and “pretend to enjoy” himself.

“I thought about the metal in my knee, replacing this piece of me that was missing, that no longer worked. And it wasn’t my heart, I kept telling myself. It wasn’t my heart.”

Ezra pines for Cassidy, appreciating the distraction that the pain in his knee provides from thinking about her. Ezra muses on his metal knee replacement, a physical reminder of all the less tangible things that have been taken from him since the accident. The strength of the emotional pain that Ezra feels reassures him that his heart is still warmly human, not cold, hard, and metallic like his knee. The most important part of him is still intact and working.

“‘How can you hate Eastwood? It’s perfect.’ ‘You see perfection, I see panopticon.’ ‘Oh my god, why do you use such big words?’ she demanded in exasperation.”

This quote starts with Charlotte asking Ezra a question that Ezra answers cryptically, comparing Eastwood to the panopticon prison in which people are constantly watched and judged. Charlotte responds with frustration, which highlights both Charlotte’s narrow worldview and her lack of intellectual curiosity. The gulf between Ezra and Charlotte has become insurmountable, and no amount of flirtation from Charlotte can restore their relationship. Ezra learned the word “panopticon” from Cassidy, the girl Charlotte sees as her competition and compared to whom Charlotte will always pale into insignificance in Ezra’s eyes.

“A snowman in a town where it didn’t snow, made by a boy who couldn’t wait to leave, and given to a girl who had never belonged.”

The quote describes the “grand gesture” that Ezra makes for Cassidy. Ezra reflects on the “snowman” he made from tumbleweed outside Cassidy’s house. At this point, Ezra knows he wants to leave Eastwood to go to an East Coast college, and he knows why Cassidy transferred to a school where she clearly doesn’t belong. There is more truth to his thought than Ezra realizes, since the Cassidy he makes the imaginary snowman for is an “imaginary” Cassidy she has created to cope with her reality. Cassidy is struggling to allow people to see her for who she really is, and until she can, Cassidy will not find where she belongs.

“And so we sat there in the sickening sillage of the truth, neither of us angry, or upset, just muddling through this shared sorrow, this collective pity.”

Ezra and Cassidy are at the vet, both emotionally drained, and Cassidy has just told Ezra that Owen was driving the SUV in Ezra’s accident. This quote portrays the raw emotion that emerges when unavoidable tragedies pile up, overlapping and tarnishing seemingly unconnected events. Ezra and Cassidy’s love story, which started in the wake of their individual tragedies, comes to a grinding halt with the realization that one tragedy caused the other, a domino effect that resulted in the final tragedy, Cooper’s death. Cassidy and Ezra feel compassionate pity, which—unlike judgmental pity—is a deep and raw sadness coupled with the understanding that no matter how much you want to fix the problem, you can’t. In addition, this quote incorporates the word “sillage,” explained earlier by Cassidy to mean the lingering impression of something that has passed—in this case, the lingering impression of the truth.

“She wasn't running from me, she was running from the obligation of having to look me in the eye and tell me exactly who driven that black SUV through the stop sign.”

Ezra realizes that Cassidy was never trying to get away from him because she didn’t love him, but she was unable to tell him that it was her brother who had caused his own life-changing tragedy. Cassidy could not tell Ezra because she has not come to terms with the complexity of the event herself. She lost a brother whom she loved and feels deep regret about, and at the same time she sees the devastation that her brother’s recklessness caused the boy she fell in love with—too much to put simply into words, so she “ran” away.

“To Cassidy, the panopticon wasn’t a metaphor. It was the greatest failing of everything she was, a prison she had built for herself out of an inability to appear anything less than perfect. And so she ghosted on, in relentless pursuit of escape, not from society but from herself. She would always be confined by what everyone expected of her, because she was too afraid and too unwilling to correct our imperfect imaginings.”

Ezra learned about the panopticon prison from Cassidy, and he uses it here to describe Cassidy’s own failings. Ezra has realized that Cassidy’s free-spirited persona is not that of a girl who has escaped the panopticon; rather, is an imaginary persona, designed to meet the expectations she has set for herself at Eastwood. Ezra understands that Cassidy will always be trying to satisfy other people’s image of her, unable to embrace her true self.

“Eastwood was distorted for me, a picturesque place meant to lull its residents into believing that behind our gates and beyond our curfew, nothing bad could ever happen with any sort of permanence. It was a place so fatally flawed that it refused to acknowledge that any such imperfection was possible.”

In this quote, Ezra reflects back on Eastwood. With its picturesque, idyllic setting and cultivated image, Eastwood has a darker, tragic side that stays hidden. This dichotomy is mirrored in Cassidy: a beautiful and successful but curated girl who is struggling with tragedies (both real and self-imposed) and who is determined, like Eastwood, to keep the consequences of them hidden.