45 pages • 1 hour read
The Art of Gathering
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Chapter 5Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 5 Summary: “Never Start a Funeral with Logistics”
Chapter 5 focuses on how to begin a gathering. For Parker, a gathering begins the moment guests are invited, even if that is long before the event actually commences. She argues that due to the power of anticipation, attendees “have been experiencing your gathering from what [she calls] the moment of discovery,” or when it is first announced (145). This power, she emphasizes, means that hosts can strengthen the purpose of a gathering by properly priming for the event—or ensure that if will fail if this step is overlooked. She cites a hypothetical “90 Percent Rule,” meaning that almost all of “what makes a gathering successful is put in place beforehand” (149).
Parker criticizes influencers like Martha Stewart who imply that preparing for a gathering is simply about getting the right appetizers, place settings, centerpieces, music, and other elements. Instead, she asserts that priming is about “preparing human beings and not crudités” (147). Two examples that Parker shares illustrate the importance of priming and how to effectively execute it. The highly creative London theater director Felix Barret was once mysteriously sent a key in the mail with no information about its purpose. Over the next several months, he was sent things like a suitcase (to which the key belonged), map coordinates and a shovel (leading him to dig up a group of photographs), an invitation to a secret society, and more. Eventually, he has kidnapped, blindfolded, and led to an event: his bachelor party. His friends had arranged the elaborate series of preparations to prime him for an event that was as creative and memorable as the director himself. The chapter also mentions, as another example of extreme priming, the diplomatic facilitator Randa Slim, who once spent two years traveling the Middle East and meeting with stakeholders in preparation for a summit.
Another anecdote demonstrates how even far simpler priming can be central to a gathering’s purpose. Cirque de Soleil director Michel Laprise had to plan a Christmas party at the last minute. With no time to prepare extensive decorations or other elements, he simply messaged all of the invitees and asked them to send him two photos of happy moments from the previous year. He then printed the photos and pinned them to his tree, creating a warm, personalized celebration of the guests’ year that built on what they shared. By asking the invitees “to do something instead of bring something” (152), like a bottle of wine or appetizer, Laprise simply but effectively primed his guests for a purposeful event.
Once the gathering actually begins, a thoughtful host must help guests transition to the event, a process that Parker deems “ushering” (163). This ushering might involve physically taking each guest to the site of the gathering, but it can also center on a practice or signal. For instance, Parker notes, performance artist Marina Abramovic has asked audiences to wear noise-cancelling headphones and sit in silence for 30 minutes prior to a performance to prepare them to hear with fresh ears. Similarly, Parker’s friend, the comedian Baratunde Thurston, once dealt with a rowdy crowd too distracted to begin an event by talking to small groups that slowly grew in number, gradually getting everyone to tune in without appearing obnoxious or having to fight for attention.
Parker cites many other examples of how to meaningfully launch a gathering, from honoring guests with a toast, to introducing them, to inviting attendees to freely share what is on their mind. At the same time, the chapter specifies what not to do when starting a gathering. Thanking attendees individually, one after the other, can take far too much time and often does not contribute substantially to a gathering’s purpose, for example. Giving attention to something other than the gathering’s purpose at the start can also undermine it; Parker mentions a meeting of the Personal Democracy Forum in New York that started with a talk by a sponsor, Microsoft, rather than something core to the nonprofit’s mission. Likewise, she criticizes a 2016 rally for Bernie Sanders for having attendees wait for hours with nothing to do instead of using “that time to create a movement” (172) by having speakers address the crowd, offering time for small group discussions or some other meaningful activity.
Chapter 5 Analysis
Parker returns to the promise of providing a practical guide to organizing gatherings by concentrating on how to begin one. The heavy emphasis she places on preparing for and planning the start of an event again demonstrates her philosophical and analytical approach to gatherings. Beginnings require such careful attention because they are the first impression attendees will have of a gathering’s purpose and shape how guests interpret its meaning and value—or lack of it.
The chapter urges readers to consider a gathering as beginning the moment individuals are invited, at the “moment of discovery” (145), even if this occurs long before the event itself. This time before the technical commencement of a gathering is an opportunity to prime guests for its purpose. While Parker upholds the anecdotes of Felix Barret’s bachelor party and Randa Slim’s Middle East summit as extreme examples of priming, she also recognizes that not everyone has the means or need for such elaborate openings. Yet there are lessons to be learned from their examples, she argues, such as “the bigger the ask […] the more care, attention, and detail should be put into the pregame phase” (150). In other words, priming should scale with the gathering itself.
Once again, Parker critiques organizers who emphasize the wrong aspects of a gathering. This includes figures like Martha Stewart, who Parker charges with overly emphasizing things like fancy invitations rather than substantive openings. Yet Parker turns her critical eye toward higher-impact gatherings as well, noting that a 2016 Bernie Sanders rally squandered the opportunity to fulfill its purpose of motivating and mobilizing voters by leaving them with nothing to do for hours while waiting for Sanders to arrive. Parker’s critique implies that failing to focus on meaningfully priming guests is far more likely to lead to an unsuccessful event than perceived shortcomings in superficial features like invitations. The burden of a gathering’s success, Parker reiterates, lies with a carefully selected purpose, well-planned priming, and an engaged host.
Parker’s suggestion that organizers prime guests by having them do something rather than bring something may seem surprising, like an inconvenience to invitees. Yet Parker shows that both tactics make an ask of guests, so they are not so dissimilar after all. Moreover, asking attendees to do something can put them “into the state of mind” that suits a gathering (153). Asking invitees to do something rather than bring something, she implies, is more likely to lead to a successful gathering because it encourages them to substantively engage with its purpose. The anecdote of Laprise’s Christmas party shows that guests don’t even have to be asked to do something elaborate to have a positive effect.
The chapter closes with ideas about moving from priming guests to actually commencing a gathering. Ushering guests in some physical or metaphorical way places the emphasis on them, on the host’s connection to them, and on their connection to each other. In one way or another—whether by greeting each guest personally or giving them time to reflect and prepare themselves (like Abramovic does with 30 minutes of silence prior to performances)—these gestures honor guests. Focusing attention on people rather than superficial matters upholds a gathering’s specific purpose as well as the general point of any gathering: to form and strengthen social ties.
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