45 pages • 1 hour read
The Art of Gathering
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Chapter 3Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 3 Summary: “Don’t Be a Chill Host”
The Art of Gathering resists the notion that a gathering’s host(s) should be carefree and hands-off, or what it calls “chill,” which Parker defines as “selfishness disguised as kindness” (71). While the compulsion to put guests at ease and make them comfortable is extremely strong, Parker turns this notion on its head, insisting that it is the host’s obligation to confidently take charge and make guests do something—even if this means that at times they feel slightly uncomfortable. Leading a gathering in this way, she argues, means that it is purposeful and impactful, and will make a meaningful impression on attendees. Parker again supplies several anecdotes as evidence for her argument, describing instances like a group of organizers putting their foot down when some of a group’s members wanted to attend a policy meeting at a conference, but not the mandatory intimate dinner the night before.
Parker proposes the concept of “generous authority” as an alternative to chill hosting (80). An authoritative host, Parker argues, does not simply end their job at introductions. Instead, they recognize that they must guide their guests all the way through the gathering, “enforce” the event’s guidelines and purpose, and “elevat[e] the right to a great collective experience above anyone’s right to ruin that experience” (79, 87). She illustrates this concept with some humorous examples. For instance, Richard Saul Wurman, the founder of the TED conference, set a rule that speakers must not wear ties to create an open, informal mood, and has even cut off one violator’s tie mid-speech. The example of the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin demonstrates the importance of protecting guests: The movie theater has a strict no-phones policy, like many theaters; but unlike most, its staff will actually escort violators out of the building. Because the staff bear the burden of dealing with rule-breakers, moviegoers’ positive experience is ensured.
Guests should be equalized and given opportunities to authentically connect, Parker asserts, and both of these tasks are up to the host. Successful examples of this include the Opportunity Collaboration conference, which allows financial donors and nonprofits to network without intimidation or bias by asking attendees to not wear tags displaying their institutional affiliations. Parker tells another story again involving Nora Abousteit, who created the CraftJam event for entrepreneurs, which has procedural rules enforcing punctuality, meeting new people, and so on. Instead of standard business introductions, attendees are asked to share an interesting cultural fact or anecdote. That way, participants stand to learn something new from each other rather than be put off by veiled sales pitches or self-congratulatory bragging contests.
Chapter 3 Analysis
Chapter 3 complements the previous section’s potentially startling claim that gatherings should be exclusive by asserting that being a host/organizer “is inevitably an exercise of power,” albeit one for the good of guests (74). Parker again flips perceptions about what makes for an effective gathering. With the concept of chill, Parker creates a shorthand for the hands-off approach to organizing gatherings, to make her own authority-based understanding of hosting/organizing a clear alternative.
Even the term “chill” is carefully chosen for rhetorical effect, with its connotations of informality or even carelessness. This creates a stark contrast to the authority-driven, hands-on approach that Parker recommends, characterizing it in strong terms as the power to “enforce” an event’s purpose (79). Being chill, Parker contends, is caring about how others perceive you rather than how you care about them. And since Parker’s fundamental argument in The Art of Gathering is that gatherings must have a clear and meaningful shared purpose, she implies that chill hosting does not seek to contribute something to others, to help them become better people in some way.
Though she presents the alternative to chill hosting in strong terms, Parker softens the concept by calling it “generous authority” (80). Characterizing it as a form of generosity links the concept to one of the fundamental principles of The Art of Gathering, that all features of an event ought to be designed to serve its purpose and ultimately guests/attendees, uplifting them in some way. The humorous examples Parker uses to illustrate the concept of generous authority, including Richard Saul Wurman cutting off a speaker’s tie mid-speech and the Alamo Drafthouse’s policy of expelling customers who break its house rules, are rhetorically significant. They also temper the notion of authority, making clear that Parker sees it as a force to aid others, not dominate them.
A hands-on approach, she contends, serves people who need guidance in a gathering much more than the chill approach. To support this argument, Parker again turns to anecdotal evidence in this chapter. Beyond examples of figures like Wurman, Nora Abousteit, and the Alamo Drafthouse, Parker’s personal anecdotes are effective. She cites one example of a dinner party she attended: When the gathering’s energy was clearly waning, Parker suggested to the host that everyone play the party game Werewolf. The host, unwilling to impose a suggestion on the others, declined, and the party fizzled out. “The next day,” Parker writes, the host “texted me that she wished we had played” (72). The confirmation that Parker’s approach of generous authority would have been better in this situation supports the chapter’s claims and subtly calls readers to trust Parker’s ideas in general.
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