Symptoms of Being Human

“I pull my phone out of my pocket now and run my thumb over the screen, feeling the nicks and indentations in the spider-webbed glass. Remembering that moment stirs something inside—anger, at first, and then a deep, hollow sadness that ripples through me in its own spiderweb pattern.”

The fragmented image of Derek externalizes the loss of his friendship and reflects Riley’s shattered sense of self. They blame themself and their differentness for Derek’s abandonment—they believe that their loneliness is due to faults within themself.

“The world isn’t binary. Everything isn’t a black or white, yes or no. Sometimes it’s not a switch, it’s a dial. And it’s not even a dial you can get your hands on; it turns without your permission or approval.”

In Riley’s first blog post, they explain what being gender fluid is like for them. Though they note that their experience is not universal to every gender-fluid person, it gives the reader a way to conceptualize Riley’s fluidity if they are unfamiliar with the topic. It also demonstrates that the fluctuations are not something Riley can control on a whim.

“I’m their only kid, and sometimes I feel guilty for being how I am. I think maybe they would have been happier with a son who would play football like dad did. Or, maybe Mom might have preferred a daughter she could paint her toenails with and take to ballet lessons. But instead, they got me—something they don’t quite understand and tend to handle alternately like a glass figurine and a feral cat.”

Early in the novel, Riley feels as though their parents resent them for not being “normal” enough. Conversely, the disconnect between them and their parents causes their mother and father to treat them like they are both fragile and untamable.

“That sensation of compression, of being trapped, of knowing there was something wrong with what I wanted, and that I had to hide it from everyone—especially my dad.”

Riley’s first memory of the gendered expectations placed upon them demonstrates how early the need to conceal their relationship to gender began to affect their life. Riley never perceived their interests as wrong until their father’s negative reaction, which made Riley feel alienated from the people around them. This moment may not be something Riley’s father even remembers, but it has had long-lasting effects on Riley nevertheless.

“A cracked image stares back at me, and it doesn’t look anything like I feel.”

This first instance of a shattered reflection in the novel shows the incongruence between Riley’s inner feelings and outer appearance caused by their gender dysphoria. The cracked image reflects Riley’s inability to express themself according to their internal compass.

“Gender identity is not external. It isn’t dictated by your anatomy. It’s internal. It’s something you feel, not something you see—and it can be way more complicated than just male or female.”

Riley’s blog makes a distinction between gender identity, which is the internal conception of someone’s own gender, and gender expression, or the external presentation of someone’s gender identity. Because people have cultural and individual relationships to gender and what their identity means to them, gender identity does not equate to gender expression, and someone’s gender identity may not match their gender presentation.

“There will always be guys like Jim Vickers. But I’m not going to let them stop me from doing what I want. And neither should you.”

Solo gives Riley this advice during their discussion about the bullying they both have faced. Though their attitudes toward the treatment they receive due to their appearances differ, Solo is ultimately not advocating for Riley to change in order to gain acceptance at school. He does, however, suggest that Riley own what makes them different, and not let others’ opinions bother them as much.

“As for wondering if it’s okay to be who you are—that’s not a symptom of mental illness. That’s a symptom of being a person.”

Doctor Ann reassures Riley that there is nothing wrong with them for being gender fluid. Because of the judgment of their peers, Riley internalizes shame about their identity, believing that they are broken or faulty in comparison to others. It is important for Riley to hear that there is nothing wrong with them from an adult, especially an adult with a background in psychology—so often transphobic arguments center around the idea that transgender people are mentally ill.

“People don’t condemn you for being trans. They condemn you for embracing it.”

Riley’s first response to Andie gets at the root of why the transgender community receives so much harassment. Self-acceptance is seen as a threat to the constructs of the gender binary. Refusing to buy into the narrative that a trans person should feel shame for their identity is often punished culturally and interpersonally.

“I already hide from my parents, from my classmates—even Bec and Solo. This blog is the truest part of me. If I delete it, if I erase any record of who I am, what will be left?”

Riley wonders whether to delete their blog following harassment from the anonymous sender while knowing that their blog is the one space they can truly be themself, even if anonymously. When they choose not to delete the blog, Riley chooses to preserve the sense of community they’ve built for themself.

“I may not be ‘blending in’—but if I’m standing out, at least I feel like I’ve found a place to stand.”

Riley is at a turning point: Instead of simply trying to fade into the background and go unnoticed, they’ve realized that standing out alongside a community or the support of friends is much better. Riley begins to accept themself for who they are.

“As if that dilemma weren’t enough, I’ll be in a room full of people who expect me to be open about my gender identity. Regardless of which direction my compass is pointing tonight—how am I going to satisfy all those different expectations […]?”

Riley’s awareness of how others expect them to present leads to a lack of sense of self. Unsure of who they are and how they actually want to present, Riley matches their behavior to what they think those around them want. This gets even more confusing when they are trying to meet multiple expectations at once, which is why the second meeting at the Q with both Bec and Solo in attendance is challenging for Riley.

“I feel that way all the time. Like I’m from some other planet, you know? Like my soul was stuffed into the wrong body and then dropped off here by mistake.”

For the first time, Riley speaks openly about their gender identity in real life. The feelings of alienation they experience due to their gender dysphoria have alienated them from their body and the world around them. Through admitting their feelings of isolation, Riley connects with others at the Q.

“‘Your father is better at this sort of thing,’ she says. ‘He’s the one who has the way with words. I never know what to say to people. To you.’ She tucks her hair behind one ear. ‘I just feel everything, and then try to hold it in. Good manners, but not much courage.’ She looks at me. ‘I guess you’re somewhere in the no-man’s-land in between.’”

Riley’s mother touches on the ways Riley is a reflection and combination of their parents. Though she can’t fully know what Riley is struggling with, she inadvertently makes an apt observation about Riley’s gender identity. Her vulnerability with Riley in this moment builds the foundation for Riley to eventually talk to their mother about what they’ve been going through.

“You’re the bottle. And the world just keeps shaking you up. […] All that pressure building up. You feel like you’ve got to let some of it out, or you’ll explode. […] But no matter how many times you vent, life keeps shaking you up. And eventually, if you don’t take the cap all the way off and deal with the mess, that bottle is going to explode.”

Because of their anxiety, Riley is constantly sensitive to things happening around them. As Doctor Ann notes, they often cope with these stressors in destructive ways. However, the rebellious outbursts are ultimately unhelpful because Riley is still suppressing their identity.

“I’ve been carrying around this pressure inside me for so long—not just since I started at Park Hills, or even since I got out of Pineview—but maybe since I was six years old. And after everything that’s happened in the past few weeks, it’s become too much. I want to let it go. I need to let it go. I need my parents to know who I am.”

Musing on Doctor Ann’s soda bottle metaphor, Riley realizes the immensity of what they’ve been dealing with. They long to be truly known by their parents. At this momentous point in the novel, Riley accepts that they are ready to come out.

“At some point, I turn. I pass the old hardware store. I pass the closed furniture showroom with the painted message: EVERYTHING IS GONE.”

Riley sees this message after being outed and arguing with their parents. They believe they have lost the safety of their blog, the support of their parents, and everything they’ve worked to achieve throughout the novel. The sign underscores the hopelessness they feel in the moment.

“I don’t feel better, really, just clearer. In my head, I understand what’s happening, and I can see the steps to getting through it. But in my guts, in my heart, I’m lost. Like I’m out in the middle of the ocean, swimming as hard as I can with no hope of land and no sign of progress. I see no shoreline, only an infinite, unbroken horizon. And the dark, dark water beneath.”

After the assault, Doctor Ann explains the symptoms of trauma that Riley is experiencing. It helps Riley somewhat to have a logical understanding of what is happening, but knowing how their brain is processing the trauma is different from emotionally overcoming it. Logic is not enough to resolve the hopeless depression Riley finds themself in.

“But the feeling only lasts a moment, and then it’s eclipsed once more by anger. A deep, slow-burning rage—at Jim Vickers and his accomplices, yes—but it’s bigger than that. It includes Eduardo’s ex. Andie Gingham’s dad. The father of that eight-year-old girl. And, somehow, it includes me, too. For sitting here, unable—or unwilling—to do anything about it.”

Riley begins to see beyond their situation, understanding that their trauma is part of a larger narrative. This moment of recognition evokes anger in Riley as they feel helpless to combat the violence that affects people like them. Their anger is also directed inward, blaming themself for being a victim who has given up.

“‘I’m not going to stop being who I am just because you don’t like it.’ […] ‘And I’m not going to stop talking about it just because you don’t understand it.’ Knees shaking, I take a small step towards her. ‘I’m only going to talk louder.’”

Riley pushes past their fear and confronts Sierra. After letting her know that they will not be intimidated by people like her anymore, Riley feels more secure at school by unapologetically feeling secure with themself.

“It’s just a bunch of people eating lunch.”

For the first time, Riley walks through the cafeteria without being overcome by anxiety or a major incident occurring. With the support of Solo and Bec, Riley realizes that the majority of the student body does not care about them. The threat associated with the cafeteria no longer holds any power.

“I feel like if I can talk about it—about coming out, and my situation… maybe it will help me process all of this. And give it a positive meaning, instead of just being a sad story about something that happened to me.”

Riley wants to speak at Trans Health Con to help others like them, to reclaim their experience, and change what it means. Riley’s anxiety usually moves them to act out, but this time, their reaction is not destructive. Instead, they fall back on Doctor Ann’s recommended coping mechanism—sharing with others.

“I feel her hands on my back, holding me, and I start to thrash, but she only hugs me tighter. I struggle for a moment—but when I know she isn’t going to let go, I stop. I feel my body go slack. She holds me. Not forcing; containing. Stilling.”

Bec becomes a very grounding presence for Riley when they experience flashbacks. The way she holds them contrasts with the way Vickers pinned Riley down during the assault. Bec’s touch is comforting, and even in a panicked state Riley notices the difference and calms down.