Social Intelligence: The New Science of Human Relationships

Part 2 opens with an anecdote in which a woman, grieving the loss of her sister, receives a sympathy call from a friend who lost his own sister some years before. She gratefully relays her emotions to her friend but suddenly realizes that she can hear the clicks of the friend’s computer keys as he answers emails. She begins to notice that his responses no longer make complete sense, and he grows more detached as the call goes on. She ends the call, feeling more alone than she did before.

Goleman uses this story to illustrate a type of interaction that the philosopher Martin Buber called “I/it.” In an I/it interaction, one person has no real attunement or empathy to the other person. This detachment can be polite, affording one subject privacy or distance, or it can be cruel, exploiting the other’s vulnerabilities as they search for real connection.

In contrast to the I/it relationship, Buber posits the “I/you” interaction, an empathic, attuned, attentive relationship in which both participants feel the mutual warmth of rapport.

Goleman brings up the Japanese concept of amae, or warm connection that anticipates and fulfills another’s needs before they request it. Goleman warns, however, that “short of sainthood” (110), no one can connect to everyone as an I/you.