46 pages • 1 hour read
See No Stranger: A Memoir and Manifesto of Revolutionary Love
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Part 2, Chapters 4-6Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 2, Chapter 4 Summary
Kaur tells about her father going to Punjab as a young man in search of a wife. He met Kaur’s mother and fell in love at first sight. They married within two weeks, and she went with him to his farm in California. It was a difficult life for Kaur’s mother, as her mother-in-law placed many difficult demands upon her, and they lived with her in-laws for many years. Kaur reflects on her mother’s sadness. As a child, Kaur suggested that her mother leave but quickly learned that women are expected to stay, even when it means shouldering hardships. As Kaur’s father aged, he became a better husband who acted more like a partner. They built their own home on family farmland and moved out from his parents’ house.
As an adult, Kaur met filmmaker Sharat Jaru at the Spinning Wheel Film Festival, where some of the footage from her thesis was shown. Sharat’s film was thematically like Kaur’s work, though fictional. Afterward, they began to talk every day about turning Kaur’s footage into a film. They later fell in love at the Art Institute of Chicago, where they shared a kiss. As their relationship developed, he helped her learn to not be ashamed of her body. They attempted to have intercourse, but she discovered she has vaginismus, which is an uncontrollable tightening of the vaginal canal. She learned that this condition is usually the result of sexual assault and recalled that she was sexually assaulted by a cousin as a teen. She had only ever told Ram about this incident, and his response was to ask if she had reciprocated this forbidden touch. She felt ashamed. She finally reported this assault to her mother. Sharat was fully supportive of Kaur as they attempted to work through her experience with vaginismus.
She visited her friend Brynn before heading to graduate school at Harvard. They attended a protest, and Kaur was invited to several others throughout the week as a legal observer. During one of these protests, she was subjected to police brutality. Police officers flooded the street and brutally pinned and arrested protestors. Kaur’s arms were forced behind her back, and sharp plastic cuffs were placed on her wrists. She began to lose feeling in her hands but expected to be given a citation and released. Instead, she was held in a detention center, which was set up to detain protestors in police sweeps. Kaur asked the onsite lieutenant for help with the too-tight handcuffs. Instead, he twisted her wrists so painfully she passed out. She was moved to headquarters, but she was not allowed to have legal aid or medical treatment. After 16 hours, she was released and able to get medical care. Kaur realized for the first time the true danger she was in as a woman of color involved in protests. She began to feel the panic incited by this event.
Days later, Kaur left Brynn’s apartment and went to attend Harvard Divinity School. She continued to have pain from her injury. The memories of Lieutenant Campo haunted her, and she made every effort to try to understand his perspective. Kaur joined with other Harvard students to bring the play Abu Ghraib to life, which focuses on the abuse occurring in US detention centers. Kaur played the role of Huda, who was abused. During practice, she was instructed to switch roles and be the abuser. She ended up hitting the other actor and began to realize a rage within herself. Shared on national news, both liberals and conservatives criticized Abu Ghraib. Kaur’s chronic pain continued into the next year.
Kaur’s romance with Sharat continued. He and his parents came to visit her family in Clovis, and Kaur’s cousin, Roshan Singh, who abused her as a teen, threatened to murder Sharat. While out for the day, her brother, Sanjeev called her and told her it was too dangerous for her to come with Sharat and his parents. She kept them busy, driving through the foothills until it was safe to bring them back to her parent’s home.
Roshan reasoned that Sharat was not Sikh, and Kaur’s decision to be with him was disgraceful. After six months, Roshan called and asked Kaur to meet him. She agreed, hoping that he would ask for forgiveness, but he pulled out a gun, pointing it at both her and himself. She walked away, and no shots were fired. Kaur told her father about the abuse and the threat of murder. Papa Ji asked her not to call the police, but her parents both agreed that she should. She was afraid of how the police would treat him as a South Asian man, but she decided to call 911, and he was arrested. Her grandfather believed this was a shameful decision, and her parents encouraged her to leave for her safety.
Using visualization techniques, one of her college advisors worked with her on recovering from the traumas she experienced. She imagined herself as a tiger that destroyed both Roshan Singh and Lieutenant Campo. In this way, she minimized the power that the memories of these men had over her. Her mind turned them into monsters, but she came to realize they were only men.
Kaur returns to the idea that rage is a part of love because it is an instinct that protects the self. She writes, “Rage is a healthy, normal, and necessary response to trauma” (130). Women in particular, she notes, frequently suppress their rage because it is not viewed as a socially acceptable emotion. She argues that we must begin to see it as acceptable. Men, she argues, are encouraged to show their rage without limit. This, too, is problematic. She suggests that individuals use safe containers to engage their rage. The visualization offered by her college professor is one such safe container. It consists of setting up a place or activity in which the rage is dealt with but neither the self nor others are injured. She suggests individuals use their divine rage to change the world around them.
Part 2, Chapter 5 Summary
Kaur explores the validity of listening to the opposition as a means for pursuing justice and reducing one’s hatred to those that have brought harm. She emphasizes that one should only do this type of listening when they are able: When they are physically safe and emotionally prepared to do this kind of labor.
She cites her 2006 film, Divided We Fall: Americans in the Aftermath as an example of this kind of listening. Kaur and Sharat were concerned with the question of what makes someone an American. The film explores Muslim and Sikh identities. They used their own credit cards while traveling across the US to film, and they were invited to share their film at universities and colleges across the country. This kept them on the road for two years. People who saw the film wanted to align themselves with those who experienced racism and hate in America. Kaur shares that the film resulted in an exchange of stories every time it was shared. People listened to the film she and Sharat produced. In exchange, she listened to all the stories shared by audiences across America.
Kaur returned home when she received news of Papa Ji having Parkinson’s disease. She had not been back to her parents’ home since the incident with Roshan, as they were still in contact with him. Papa Ji harshly criticized Kaur for being with a man who was not Sikh. He believed that if Kaur married Sharat, she would be betraying her religion. While visiting, another uncle accused Kaur of making Papa Ji sick. She packed her bags the next day and continued her work with the film on the road.
After a presentation in South Carolina, a white Christian man tried to depict himself as an outsider, and instead of challenging what he said, Kaur agreed with him. She regrets this failure in communication because she knows it did not recognize white supremacy, which is prevalent in America. As such, this connection was false. She realizes reconciliation is not possible without acknowledging the truth of white supremacy.
Kaur and Sharat gladly joined in promoting Obama’s campaign for the presidency. They watched as he became President, but Kaur was disappointed when he began to lean toward being a less liberal politician. She notes that during his presidency, a white nationalist movement emerged that led to Trump’s Presidency. She believes there was some failure on the part of Obama’s supporters to ask for the reparations marginalized people needed.
Kaur confronted five white men in a Mexican restaurant for using a racial slur. She made every effort to connect with them and help them understand the danger of using the n-word. No matter what approaches she took, they did not seem interested in creating a connection with her or trying to understand her perspective. When all of them left but one, named Steve, he finally concluded that he believed some individuals were “subhuman” and did not deserve human rights. Kaur expresses her sadness at this belief. She reiterates that she tried to listen to these men deeply, and she ultimately heard that there are cultural forces that resulted in their racist beliefs. She emphasizes the importance of the interaction: She wanted to understand them, not to change them. She points out that this type of interaction helps her to better understand what she needs to fight against—the institutions that promote white supremacy.
Kaur returned to her parents’ home, hoping to make amends with Papa Ji. They spent a long time listening to each other, but they were unable to make peace. After a few months, Kaur received another call from her mother reporting that Papa Ji’s body was shutting down. Papa Ji asked for her forgiveness, blessed her future marriage, and requested that she reach peace with Roshan. Kaur spoke to Papa Ji through one last phone call before he passed away.
Part 2, Chapter 6 Summary
Kaur chose to attend Yale Law School, and it challenged her at first. She began to feel as if her voice was not valued there and dreaded attending classes. One professor, however, stepped in and offered advice: Reva Siegel. She advised Kaur to not let the law change who she was; rather, she had to learn to reason like a lawyer while preserving the parts of her that were vital. She believed Kaur should hold on to her imagination and envision how society should be. This advice served as a turning point, and Kaur emphasizes the importance of being able to imagine an ideal society. Kaur also began forming valuable bonds with other students, especially other women of color.
During the first year, students took part in clinics where they represented real individuals with a professor’s supervision. Kaur joined the immigration clinic and began working on a case in New Haven, where police officers were physically abusing and harassing Latinx citizens. Kaur began meeting with these citizens at St. Rose of Lima, which was led by Father Jim. He was later arrested for trying to record police abuse. With Kaur’s help, they began communicating these misdeeds to the press. Kaur targeted the institution of the police department as the issue instead of just a few individuals. Kaur won the case within three years, and it resulted in several police officers being arrested, all of whom left the department. The chief of police also left. The town requested seven revisions to the department, and six of them were met. The police force in New Haven was transformed and began to serve its people more effectively.
Kaur volunteered to fly to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, as a legal observer on behalf of her professor. She wanted to understand the Guantanamo Bay detention camp and its role in torturing Southwest Asian and North African and South Asian men during the War on Terror. She notes that it held 800 prisoners at one point, and none of them had been given a trial or official charges. Most were left in prison for years when there was no evidence to prove their guilt. The government continued to say that Guantanamo was outside the reach of US law despite being a military prison. Finally, the government set up a military commission on the base to hear the cases of some of the prisoners. Kaur was to observe this process and report back on it. Kaur observed the hearing of Omar Khadr, who was accused of throwing a grenade and killing a US soldier at 15 years of age. Having been imprisoned for seven years, he was now 23. Kaur found that decisions were being made arbitrarily, not based on legal precedent.
Afterward, at a bar, a soldier approached her and accused her of judging the prison guards. Kaur notes that most of the guards are between 18 and 22, and she believes they are being used by an institution to oppress others. She notes the extent of American incarceration more broadly:
In the past thirty years, our prison population increased from around three hundred thousand to more than two million, the majority of the increase attributed to nonviolent drug offenses […] On any given day, one third of all black men in their twenties are behind bars or on parole (194).
With this, she illustrates the bias of the American prison system. She believes prisons like Guantanamo need to be dismantled.
Kaur began to imagine how film could be used in advocacy. With Sharat, she pitched this idea at Yale, and they founded the Yale Visual Law Project, which teaches Yale Law students how to make films. Kaur graduated from Yale and worked directing this project. They began filming information about Northern, a supermax prison near Yale, which held all its prisoners in solitary confinement. Many of the prisoners were sent there from other prisons due to infractions. They gathered stories from the prison guards, who experienced alcohol addiction, depression, and suicide attempts. Kaur notes that incarceration at Northern costs $100,000 per person each year. The film was named The Worst of the Worst. Northern began to slowly shut down, but within a few years, the population began to increase again. Kaur notes that it was not enough to address one supermax prison. Instead, she says we need to reimagine the prison system.
After three years living in New Haven and working on the Yale Visual Law project, Sharat asked Kaur to marry him. Fearing the sexist nature of the institution of marriage, Kaur asked many questions, and they reached an agreement on an equal marriage. They planned a special ceremony and were married in a rainforest on New Year’s Eve.
Part 2, Chapters 4-6 Analysis
Kaur emphasizes the value of rage in Chapter 4. She introduces this topic as she talks about her mother’s rage at the treatment she received from her mother-in-law as a young woman, which Kaur only saw in the form of tears. Kaur argues that rage has value and that it should not be ignored or suppressed. She also frames this within gender roles and points out that it is socially acceptable for men to violently express their rage while it is not acceptable for women to express rage at all. With this, Kaur illuminates the various sources of oppression in women of color’s lives—along with the state violence encountered by non-white communities after 9/11, Kaur routinely sees or experiences oppression from men within her community, from her cousin who sexually assaults her to her grandfather who defends him. This emphasizes the text’s intersectional feminist lens. She explores how she expresses rage in safe spaces and encourages readers to do the same, asserting that rage can be a productive tool for change when accessed properly.
Kaur grows when she realizes that an event she experienced as a teenager was sexual assault. This label helps her understand what happened to her and why she is experiencing vaginismus, a physical response to trauma. She also realizes the true danger that she is in as a woman of color involved in protests when she is violently arrested and physically assaulted by a police lieutenant. She utilizes these personal stories to illustrate the legitimacy and value of rage; it is a natural response to violence. However, Kaur cautions against using one’s rage to perpetuate a cycle of violence; its main use is to motivate change. Because of her trauma, she ends up seeking help to recover and emphasizes that marginalized communities often do not have access to these types of resources. Another component of intersectional feminism is class, and Kaur imagines an idealized world in which low-income and immigrant communities have access to mental health care.
In Chapter 5, Kaur learns the value of listening to one’s opponents, if not to empathize then to understand what one is fighting. Opponents might include political opponents or even abusers or murderers. She tells personal stories about when she pushed herself to listen to her opponents and better understand where they were coming from, using ethos to build her argument. It can be difficult to listen to perspectives one disagrees with, but Kaur asserts that Facing an Opponent requires knowing them, even if there’s no chance of changing their mind.
Kaur utilizes Chapter 6 to explore how marginalized individuals can make space for themselves in spaces that exclude them. For example, in graduate school, Kaur at first feels that her voice is not heard and her thoughts do not matter. However, she is encouraged by a professor to hold on to her beliefs and use the law to promote what she knows is right. In this way and by gathering a community of like-minded women, Kaur finds belonging at a law school traditionally built for white men. The professor’s inclusion here also underlines the importance of paving the way for future generations; within religious and activist communities, elders can help new and young people find their voices and stand up for their beliefs.
Kaur uses anecdotes about law school to assert that the law is malleable; while oppressive laws might exist, new laws can be written to effect positive change. During her first clinic as a law student, Kaur learns the role religious communities can play in reshaping the law. When working with a Latinx community that is being abused by the local police force, a church is used as a central meeting point for the members of this community. Father Jim, the leader of the church, also plays a significant role in leading this community to justice, though he faces targeted persecution as a result. Later, Kaur begins teaching religious communities throughout the nation how to address changes that need to be made in the law. Religious institutions, along with offering spiritual support, are shown to be prime sites for connecting people. While there is often tension between the secular and religious worlds—and some of Kaur’s anecdotes highlight interreligious tension—Kaur asserts that faith can be harnessed to impact society at large.
She also continues her critiques of US institutions in this chapter, focusing on Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. She flies to Guantanamo Bay as a legal observer and harshly criticizes the system there because it is not based on legal precedent. In other words, the prisoners are being held and tortured without having had an official trial. While the prison guards are participating in these crimes, Kaur also notes that their stories are valuable. She realizes that the guards are subjects of institutions that have trained them to have an “us” versus “them” mindset—by noting the guards’ young ages, she emphasizes that these ideas are culturally inculcated rather than innate. She expands this argument to critique the broader American prison system, which clearly illustrates bias against communities of color. Visiting Guantanamo Bay inspires her later work at Northern supermax prison where she creates a film that depicts the negative effects on both the prisoners and the guards. While the film temporarily impacts the prison, it later begins to incarcerate more people again. Her takeaway from these experiences is that society must reimagine the prison system as a whole if it wants a solution to this problem—incremental change is insufficient and often temporary. This point is underlined when Kaur discusses how Obama failed to recognize the budding white supremacist movement that helped elect Donald Trump. While she critiques Obama’s presidency, she also notes his progressive changes that were undone by the subsequent administration. Instead of this political tug-of-war, Kaur advocates for radical imagination and creating entirely new systems.
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