Rick

“The way Jeff told it, nothing was ever his fault.”

One of Jeff’s flaws is that he doesn’t acknowledge or take responsibility for his actions. Consequently, others suffer for his entertainment. Rick is often forced to go along with Jeff’s behavior even when he doesn’t agree with it, and Jeff’s behavior causes Rick’s future internal conflict when he joins Rainbow Spectrum later in the book. Jeff’s inability to take responsibility for his actions may stem from his relationship with video games; no action he takes in a game, no matter how violent, has any consequences except as amusement. He has a similar disregard for consequences in real life.

“Jeff at school wasn’t the same as Jeff without other kids around. When it was just the two of them [Rick and Jeff], nothing really bothered Jeff. But in a group, he was always on the lookout for something to make fun of.”

Rick’s observation of Jeff’s dual personalities mirrors Rick’s own internal conflict regarding his friendship with Jeff. Rick is often a bystander when Jeff harms others, but he can’t immediately reject Jeff because Jeff is considerate to Rick. Also, Rick is aware of Jeff’s troubled home life, which, though vague in the novel, complicates their relationship.

“‘You look good.’ Rick meant it. Not the way Jeff would, but more like [Melissa] looked happy.”

Here is Rick’s first public contrast with Jeff and a sign of potential character growth. Rick was a bystander when Jeff bullied Melissa in elementary school, but Rick is also the first to know about Melissa’s transition. While Jeff objectifies Melissa from a distance, Rick sees her as a person and appreciates her happier state of being. In turn, Melissa can see that Rick has the potential to be a better person when separated from Jeff, and Rick’s observation and the meaning behind it hint at his own journey of asexual self-discovery later in the novel.

“Rick wondered what it would be like to have a best friend you could throw your arm over the shoulder of without worrying that they might make fun of you. Jeff was great in a lot of ways, but their friendship wasn’t like that.”

Rick observes Melissa and Kelly’s friendship, noting how open, healthy, and positive it is. This is his first public contrast in friendships between what is possible and what he has with Jeff. While Rick still values Jeff and overlooks Jeff’s flaws, he begins to think of the possibilities he is missing out on because of Jeff’s toxic behavior.

“‘Oh, trust me, Ricky, you’re never too busy to take a look at a girl.’ Sometimes Dad was worse than Jeff. ‘Or a boy.’ Mom probably told him to say that part. ‘You may be a late bloomer, but don’t worry, you’ll have plenty of time to take in the views, if you know what I mean.’

Rick knew what Dad meant, and it made him feel like he was coated in a sticky layer of ick.”

Potential objectification aside, Rick finds it difficult to escape the pressure of conventional expectations regarding attraction. His family’s assumption that he’ll eventually feel sexual and romantic attraction pressures him to conform to what is “normal,” but Rick feels alienated by their expectations. He can understand the cognitive and physiological aspects of romance and desire but not the emotional parts, nor does he desire to desire. Rick does not yet know what this means, but this disconnect hints at his journey of self-discovery later in the novel.

“‘But Grandpa Ray, I’ve known you my whole life. How did I never know you were a Roguer?’

‘Did you ever ask?’ Grandpa Ray raised a bushy gray eyebrow along with the corner of his lips.”

Rick’s introduction to Grandpa Ray is a turning point for him. Discovering their shared, unconventional interest in Rogue Space allows them to bond more than they can with others. Their relationship teaches Rick that people can have hidden depths and to look beneath the surface for who someone truly is. This lesson is important to his personal and character growth and provides him with support he doesn’t receive from Jeff and his immediate family. For Grandpa Ray, Rick is a refreshing change from the rest of his family and a new companion now that his wife, Rose, is gone.

“‘We [Jeff and I] don’t really fight,’ said Rick. It was true. That was one of the things Jeff said he liked about Rick.

‘Sounds like you don’t give him anything to fight about,’ Grandpa Ray pointed out.

‘Isn’t that a good thing?’

‘You’d think so, wouldn’t you?’”

While Rick continues to consider his friendship with Jeff a healthy one, Grandpa Ray gently provides a different perspective. Not fighting is, on the surface, a good thing in a relationship. However, a lack of conflict can also mean that the relationship isn’t as close or healthy as it first appears. In Rick’s case, he accepts Jeff’s dominant opinions (such as his dismissal of Rogue Space), but as a result, Rick hides his true self as a form of protection from Jeff’s poison.

“‘Think carefully about who you [Rick] spend time with. The right people? Well, they can bring you great joy.’

‘And the wrong people bring sadness?’

Grandpa Ray shook his head. ‘Not even. Sometimes the right people bring sadness too. The wrong people are the ones who keep you from being yourself.’”

Grandpa Ray is Rick’s mentor and offers continued advice about Rick’s troubles at school. While Rick struggles to reconsider his relationship with Jeff, Grandpa Ray advises surrounding himself with people not only who make him feel strong, positive emotions but also who support his authenticity. Rose was one such person for Grandpa Rick; her presence brought great joy, but her loss brought sadness. Most importantly, she encouraged Grandpa Ray to be his authentic self. Whether Jeff does the same is something Rick must decide for himself.

“He went back to the search box and typed in how do you know if you like someone? More quizzes, which he avoided, and a list that started off by assuming you already knew who it was you thought you liked. It seemed to Rick that if you knew who it was, you already liked them, and you were just trying to figure out how much.”

As Rick becomes involved with Rainbow Spectrum, he also begins to ask questions about himself—namely, why he doesn’t fit the “normal” mold that his family assumes he will and that Jeff already fits. However, Rick does not yet have the language to describe his feelings of difference, and because asexuality and aromanticism aren’t commonly understood as the “LGBT” part of the LGBTQIAP+ initialism, he runs into obstacles in his research of identity. The block is frustrating, but his active research is the first step of his journey and signals his character growth.

“Ronnie came right up to his desk after math class and asked, ‘Why do you even put up with that kid?’ He didn’t say which kid. He didn’t need to. Rick opened his mouth, but no words came out. Ronnie shook his head. ‘Never mind. Looks like you don’t know either.’”

Even as Rick begins to question his own identity, he struggles with his friendship with Jeff. Ronnie, as an outsider and a victim of Jeff’s malevolence, sees Jeff’s flaws more clearly. He also has the unique perspective of seeing Rick’s hidden side as well since they are both members of Rainbow Spectrum. Ronnie’s continued presence in Rick’s school life introduces him as a foil to Jeff, but it also forces Rick to consider Grandpa Ray’s advice about the people he spends time with.

“The word asexual buzzed in Rick’s head like a fly looking for a place to land as introductions continued around the room. His stomach felt tingly. Not nervous, exactly, but not calm either. More like drinking soda too fast and having the bubbles dance around inside his body.”

Here, Rick makes headway in his journey of self-discovery. Despite his block with online research earlier, he serendipitously gains the language he has been seeking to describe himself. The fact that he learns this word at Rainbow Spectrum indicates the importance of a diverse community for young people such as Rick, who need mentorship and support as they seek to understand themselves.

“Grandpa Ray was the quiet guy in the corner that Rick barely knew from family events, not the Rogue Space lover he had met a couple of weeks ago.”

Now that Rick knows Grandpa Ray better and they have bonded so closely, Rick is better able to notice the difference between the Grandpa Ray he knows and the persona Ray uses in the company of people he is less comfortable with. Rick’s observation of Grandpa Ray not only indicates the closeness of their bond (symbolized by Rogue Space) but also mirrors Rick’s own discomfort with his family.

“There was nothing to do but plunge in. ‘Have you ever heard of someone being asexual?’

‘Sure. There’s an ace girl on my dorm floor, but you can’t be ace.’

‘Why not?’

‘You’re too young. Don’t worry about it. I’m sure it’ll all work out for you soon enough. Enjoy being a kid while you can.’”

Apart from Grandpa Ray, Rick is closest to his sister, Diane. However, their respective new schools and geographical distance have distanced them from each other; Rick is approaching adolescence, while Diane is beginning to navigate emerging adulthood. The transitions are good for each of them, but they no longer understand each other as well as they used to. When Rick comes out to Diane, she treats him like a child, rather than her brother. Her reaction is hurtful to Rick, who is still figuring himself out, but it also teaches him not to assume. Just because Diane is the same generation as he is doesn’t mean she will understand him better than his parents.

“‘No, it’s that’—Melissa scratched at her elbow—‘that’s not what most people mean when they ask [about my gender identity]. And really, I don’t know. I don’t think I’m that brave. It’s just who I am, and it was really hard to try to be someone else.’

‘Oh,’ said Rick. Sometimes it was really hard to be Rick. Maybe that was because the Rick he was trying to be was someone else.”

Melissa, while not yet a friend, offers Rick support because she has navigated her identity longer than he has and is the only person he knows who can advise him. Though Melissa is more confident than Rick, she also has struggled (sometimes involving Rick) and is still on her own journey, which leads to her defensive misunderstanding. However, her advice to Rick, which stems from her own truth, is the advice he needs. He has heard various iterations from others, including Ronnie and Grandpa Ray, but Melissa is the most direct. She intimately knows both sides of the struggle Rick is going through, so her answer is the most effective.

“Rick felt like he was folding himself into some sort of paper puzzle. Kelly thinking he might be anti-gay was enough to convince him to attend the second Rainbow Spectrum meeting, but Jeff finding out that he was going was enough to make him lie about it.”

Though Rick tries to keep the two sides of his struggle separate, they inevitably come together as the people around him interact. Rick doesn’t like lying, but he does so more and more as he struggles to hide himself from Jeff, learn about himself at Rainbow Spectrum, and somehow balance the two when Jeff instigates more conflicts with Rainbow Spectrum students. Rick has grown as a character, but he has not yet committed to one path or the other—Kelly’s and Jeff’s assumptions, however, are pushing him to choose.

“Rick wondered whether spinning quarters counted as a talent. He thought about what it would be like to be onstage, showing off. The thought was light and airy for a moment…but then it dropped with a thud.

Jeff.”

Rick’s quarter spinning is a hobby that brings him comfort. He is interested in sharing it because being onstage would also be an acceptance of who he is and his association with Rainbow Spectrum. However, once again, his fear of Jeff forces him to hide. This is not the first time Rick has considered participating in the cabaret, but the more he does so, the clearer his path becomes.

“‘So you [Grandpa Ray] believe me?’ asked Rick.

‘Of course I believe you. You are the person who knows yourself better than anyone else. There are lots of different ways of being. Lots of different kinds of people, and lots of different kinds of relationships.’”

Because of his experience with Diane, Rick is hesitant to come out to anyone else; however, his Rogue Space bond with Grandpa Ray results in the support and acceptance Rick has been hoping for. Now that he can accept himself, he hopes that others will do the same. Grandpa Ray’s acceptance demonstrates not only how close they are as family and friends but also that by embracing unconventionality, they can forge a relationship that benefits them both. Grandpa Ray’s experiences and secret hobby also leave him more open-minded than others, so he accepts Rick’s identity as ace more easily.

“‘Wait. If you’re not a woman, then what are you [Grandpa Ray]?’

‘Well, you [Rick] could call me a crossdresser [in cosplay], but really, I’m the same Grandpa Ray I’ve always been. Just like you’re the same Rick you’ve always been. We know a little more about each other now. That’s all. And just like I wouldn’t tell anyone about you without your permission, I hope you won’t tell anyone about me.’”

Grandpa Ray’s admission of his hobby gives Rick his own chance to show the same acceptance and care that Grandpa Ray showed him when he came out as ace. It is also a demonstration of Rick’s own character growth since he met Melissa at the beginning of the school term—rather than believing such an identity should be hidden, the way he did at Melissa’s Rainbow Spectrum self-introduction, Rick instead asks to clarify whether Grandpa Ray is transgender so that he can properly respect Grandpa Ray’s identity. Rick’s questions demonstrate his growth, which puts him at odds with Jeff, a bully with whom Rick is reconsidering his association.

“It sounded silly in his head, but Grandpa Ray felt like family in a way that Rick had never noticed before and couldn’t explain. Dad, Mom, Diane, Thomas—they were all part of his family, of course. But Grandpa Ray? He felt like the pillow on the couch at home that said Family is where you store your heart.”

This quote also shows how much Rick has grown from the initial chapters of the book. Before, he wanted nothing to do with Grandpa Ray, whom he considered a stranger and an unwanted commitment. Now, Rick is closer to Grandpa Ray than he is with any of his other family members. This character growth and relationship development highlight both the theme of embracing unconventionality and the symbolism of Rogue Space as a secret bond.

“Sometimes it’s hard to see the worst in our friends, because it reminds us of the worst in ourselves.”

Rick is finally ready to end his friendship with Jeff, but it is a difficult process. Grandpa Ray can best empathize with Rick because he, too, grieves the loss of his best friend. Though Rick has witnessed Jeff’s flaws and hurtful behavior many times over the years (and has gradually become aware of his own boundaries and tolerance limits), he has not been able to face his complicity in Jeff’s actions. Rick was mainly a bystander, but doing nothing neither stops the bullying nor protects its victim; it only protects himself. By cutting ties with Jeff, Rick must also accept the consequences of his own (in)action, which compound his grief and sadness.

“Rick, if we’re gonna be friends, you’ve got to share how you’re feeling. Otherwise, I’ll never know you.”

One of the major lessons Rick learns in the novel is how to let go of unhealthy friendships. Losing Jeff was difficult because Rick didn’t have many friends, but Ronnie’s support opens Rick’s world to newer, healthier friendships. Ronnie contrasts with Jeff in that he encourages Rick to open up and be his authentic self, but Jeff selfishly and callously forced Rick to hide. This juxtaposition teaches Rick to focus on what he gains by letting go of Jeff, rather than what he loses.

“‘Do you wanna [join the finale dance]?’ Ronnie asked Rick.

‘I don’t know. Do you?’

‘Maybe, but I asked you first.’”

Ronnie continues to act as a foil to Jeff as he convinces Rick to join Cabaret Night (something Jeff would have sneered at). Ronnie, who convinces Rick to perform onstage and asks Rick what he wants to do, grants Rick agency that he never received with Jeff. Jeff was a leader who expected followers; Ronnie wants to be on equal footing, and the result is a much healthier relationship for Rick.

“Grandpa Ray’s face went firm and the lightness of his smile was gone. ‘You absolutely may not call me Grandma Ray. I won’t have it!’

‘I’m sorry!’ Rick hadn’t meant to say anything wrong.

‘I won’t have it,’ Grandpa Ray repeated as a sly grin trickled across his face. ‘Not when Gamma Ray is sitting right there as a possibility!’”

While Rick continues to celebrate Grandpa Ray’s cosplay alter ego, he also continues to navigate the complex spectrum of gender and gender expression by exploring the world of conventions and cosplay. He remains respectful of Grandpa Ray’s identity, and the two celebrate the gender-neutral nexus of Grandpa Ray’s cosplay identity with his familial one. The pun also recalls the positivity of both embracing unconventionality and the symbolism of their Rogue Space bond.