Noises Off

A group of actors rehearses a play called Nothing On in the Grand Theatre, Weston-super-Mare. Their set is the holiday home of the Brents in the English countryside. Mrs. Clackett, played by Dotty Otley, enters first. Speaking into the onstage telephone prop, she says that the Brents are in Spain and that she is their housekeeper. During her exit, she struggles to remember which of her props, a plate of sardines or a newspaper, she is supposed to leave on stage. The director, Lloyd Dallas, clarifies this and reminds her that they open the following night. 

Dotty continues with the scene, and Roger Tramplemain, played by Garry Lejeune, and Vicki, played by Brooke Ashton, enter on their cues. Dotty again struggles with her props, and Lloyd has to stop the rehearsal to clarify what she should leave on stage. Garry thinks they are doing a technical rehearsal and points out that they have only had two weeks to rehearse. Lloyd asserts that this is the dress rehearsal. Garry mutters comments about the upcoming tour and Lloyd as a director. Meanwhile, Brooke is confused. The scene continues, and Dotty eventually has the props in the correct places when she makes her exit.

Garry and Brooke enter again as Roger and Vicki. The character Roger is from the law firm used by the Brents to rent out the house. Roger is planning to use the house to have sex with Vicki while the Brents are away. Roger and Vicki bring in a box of files and a flight bag, talk about the many doors in the house, and flirt. Mrs. Clackett enters, and Roger hides Vicki in a bathroom. Mrs. Clackett says that she’s come in on her day off to watch a special program on the Brents’ television. Vicki comes out of the bathroom, and Roger claims that Vicki is a potential tenant for the house. When Dotty exits the scene, she forgets to take the sardines with her. Lloyd stops rehearsal again.

Garry makes vague comments about the struggle with the many plates of sardines in the show. Brooke continues to be confused. Lloyd mocks Garry’s complaints by asking the assistant stage manager, Poppy Norton-Taylor, to change the sardines to turbot and then clarifies that he is joking. The rehearsal restarts. Roger and Vicki discuss Mrs. Clackett, who comes on and off stage rapidly, talking about sardines. While she is gone, Roger and Vicki flirt and should retire to one of the bedrooms, but the set door won’t open. At the same time, Frederick Fellowes and Belinda Blair, who portray Philip and Flavia Brent, are trying to enter the stage through a set door that won’t close.

Lloyd has to stop the rehearsal. Lloyd speaks in the third person, impersonating God, to tell Poppy to get Tim Allgood, the stage manager. Garry calls Dotty back on stage. Belinda talks with Frederick about the set, hugs him, and says that she hopes he’s cheering up. Lloyd takes a Valium. Tim arrives on stage and is barely coherent. Belinda notes that Tim hasn’t slept for 48 hours. As Tim starts to work on the doors, Lloyd comes up on stage. He clarifies that they didn’t have time for separate technical and dress rehearsals, so this is their first opportunity to get the hang of the props and set—including the sardines and doors. Lloyd asks where Selsdon Mowbray is. The cast looks around for Selsdon and indicates that they are concerned he is drinking in secret somewhere. Lloyd tells Tim to prepare to go on as Selsdon’s understudy and tells Poppy to call the police.

Dotty laments that she asked Lloyd to give Selsdon a chance, and Garry notes that Dotty invested her own savings in the show. Selsdon walks toward the stage. Brooke sees Selsdon behind the others before they do, and Lloyd compares him to “Hamlet’s father” (30). Selsdon sarcastically asks if they are having a party because he thought they were having a rehearsal. Tim reappears, saying that he can’t find Selsdon’s costume. Lloyd points out that Selsdon is wearing it. Lloyd asks Tim to order two more of Selsdon’s burglar costume. Lloyd clarifies that they are rehearsing, not partying, in a comical exchange with Selsdon. Poppy returns, saying that the police found a man and thinks he might be Selsdon because of his smell. Selsdon puts his arm around Poppy and says that he has the smell of the theater all over him. Lloyd jokes that Poppy might have gotten her job through sexual favors because she lacks tact. 

As the cast gets back into their places, Belinda whispers to Lloyd about Dotty and Garry dating. When Garry asks why they haven’t started, Lloyd jokes about him dating Dotty before asking Brooke for the cue. They restart the Nothing On scene. Belinda and Frederick enter as Philip and Flavia. They talk about hiding from Inland Revenue because they are supposed to be in Spain and how funny it is that they are having a secret tryst in their own house. Mrs. Clackett enters and is startled by the Brents. Philip says that they aren’t “really there,” and Mrs. Clackett tells him that he has mail on his desk from Inland Revenue. Frederick doesn’t exit when he is supposed to, when Roger and Vicki enter.

Lloyd stops the rehearsal. Frederick asks why his character would take his prop, a bag of groceries, off stage. Belinda says that it’s because Selsdon needs them off stage for his scene later. The cast calls out to Selsdon. Selsdon breaks through the set’s window as the play’s burglar and begins to deliver his line. Lloyd stops him, saying that he isn’t on for another 10 pages. Garry asks why his character takes his plate of sardines off stage, and Frederick reiterates his need for character motivation regarding the groceries. Lloyd suggests a trauma involving groceries, and Belinda suggests something genetic. Lloyd says that the author may not know why Philip carries the groceries into the study, but it is now after midnight, and they are opening later that same day. After Philip goes off stage, Belinda whispers to Lloyd that Frederick’s wife left him that morning. Lloyd calls Frederick back on stage and suggests that his character is so upset by the mention of Inland Revenue that he clings to whatever is in his hands at that moment.

They restart the scene with Roger and Vicki’s entrance. They comment on the objects that the Brents have moved into the house and say that they heard voices. Mrs. Clackett enters with sardines. and Roger hides Vicki in a closet because she is only wearing her undergarments. Mrs. Clackett assures Roger that there is no one else in the house, and he makes sexual puns as Vicki tries to open the door of the closet. Off stage, Philip says, “Oh good Lord above!” (42), and Mrs. Clackett imitates him, pretending she said it, to cover for the Brents. Roger notices another car in the driveway and, thinking it might be someone from his firm, exits the scene to check. 

Philip reenters, reading from a letter that demands that he appear in court for tax fraud. Mrs. Clackett tells Philip about Roger, and Philip reiterates that Mrs. Clackett needs to keep anyone from finding out that the Brents are at home. Flavia enters, holding Vicki’s dress, thinking it is a gift from Philip. She hates the dress, so she announces that she will put it in the attic with the other clothes she hates that Philip has previously given her. Philip, fixated on his letter and figuring out how to hide that he opened it, exits into the study. Roger reenters and hears Vicki knocking inside the closet, so he lets her out. They are supposed to exit into the bedroom, but Brooke, who was supposed to have exited, is still on stage looking for a lost contact lens on the floor.

Lloyd stops the rehearsal, and Philip reenters. Everyone looks for Brooke’s missing contact around the stage and under their feet. While they are looking, Brooke bumps heads with Poppy and steps on Garry’s hand. Frederick gets a nosebleed from witnessing this violence. Brooke realizes that her contact was in her eye all along. Lloyd makes jokes about being bloody and blind while moving forward with the scene and then apologizes to Frederick and Brooke. They check where Selsdon is and discover that he is still looking for Brooke’s contact backstage.

The rehearsal resumes. Philip tries to glue the envelope from Inland Revenue closed and finds a plate of sardines, which he takes back into the study. Roger and Vicki enter after Philip exits. They discover a hot water bottle that Flavia has put in the bed, that the sardines are gone, and that a bag (Flavia’s) is outside the bedroom. Roger and Vicki think there might be ghosts. Then, they discover that their box of files and Vicki’s dress are missing. Roger is skeptical of the paranormal and exits, looking for Mrs. Clackett. Vicki opens the study door, hears Philip shouting, and closes it. She exits through the front door. Philip enters from the study, and Flavia enters from the attic door. He is glued to the tax demand and the plate of sardines. Flavia is cleaning out the attic and suggests getting a bottle of poison that will eat through the glue. Philip jokes about being stuck to his problem and exits.

This line is Selsdon’s cue, but Selsdon comes in late. Lloyd tries to stop the rehearsal to point this out, but Selsdon continues with his monologue about how breaking into Mr. Brent’s house pales in comparison to breaking into banks. Poppy and Belinda get Selsdon to stop speaking eventually. Lloyd and Selsdon talk about his past productions and go back and forth about his entrance being a little earlier, highlighting that Selsdon is hard of hearing. Poppy fixes the prop glass in the window.

The scene continues, with Selsdon entering a little earlier. His burglar character moves the television onto the couch. Selsdon struggles with a line, and it has to be repeated by various offstage cast and crew members before Selsdon delivers it correctly, with some further discussion about his hearing. When the burglar exits into the study, Mrs. Clackett and Roger enter. He asks if there is any history of paranormal activity in the house, and Mrs. Clackett denies this while moving the television back off the couch and onto a table. Roger glances into the study and sees the burglar, but Mrs. Clackett denies that anyone is there, thinking it must be Philip. Roger notices the sardines that Clackett brought in and takes them off stage.

The burglar and Roger come on and off stage at different times, the burglar looking for things to steal and Roger looking for Vicki. Philip enters, worried that the poison for removing the glue from his fingers has gotten on his pants and is going to soak down to his skin. He unbuttons his pants. Roger sees Philip and initially thinks he is a ghost. Philip sees Roger and fears that he is from Inland Revenue. As Philip nervously offers Roger the sardine plate he’s holding, Philip’s pants fall down. Roger calls him a sex criminal and calls the police. Philip runs out the front door with his pants down. As Roger reports that Vicki is missing, she comes in through the window. As Roger reports that things have been stolen, Vicki points out that the box and bag that the burglar moved are no longer missing. Roger tells the police that all their issues have been resolved and hangs up.

Vicki worries that losing her dress will ruin her reputation as an employee of Inland Revenue. She and Roger exit to look in the bathroom for something that Vicki can wear. The burglar moves things around while they are off stage. Vicki comes back on stage, carrying a bathmat, at the same time as Roger. She looks in the other bathroom, and Roger looks in the bedroom for clothes. Philip slips back through the front door and into a bathroom without being seen. Vicki comes back on stage and starts to go upstairs. Flavia enters from the attic door, distracted by a tea set she found up there. Vicki runs into the bathroom where Philip is and runs out screaming. She laments being undressed in front of Mr. Brent’s wife. Philip comes out of the bathroom holding the mat Vicki had found. He tells Flavia that he is in a terrible state and puts up his hands, and his pants fall down again. Flavia drops the tea set, thinking that Vicki and Philip are having an affair.

Vicki hides in the closet. Philip says that her dress fell off, and Flavia runs off stage. Roger comes out of the bedroom holding up a sheet just as Philip holds up the bathmat: He doesn’t see Philip and assumes that he’s giving the sheet to Vicki. Roger exits into the attic, and the burglar enters with gold taps from the bathroom. When challenged, he tells Philip that he is a plumber working on the taps, but Philip thinks he says “tax” and runs into the bedroom. Roger and Philip come on stage at different times talking about Vicki’s dress. When Roger encounters the burglar, he thinks the burglar says “attacks,” not “taps,” and figures that he is another sex criminal. The burglar thinks that Roger says “WC” and goes back into the bathroom under his plumber guise. Roger goes out the front door.

Vicki and Philip come back on stage. Philip is wearing the bathmat wrapped around his head and enrobed in a white sheet, and Vicki is covered head-to-toe with a black sheet. When Roger reenters, he thinks they are an Arab sheikh and his wife who were coming to look at the house. Flavia comes on stage holding a vase, intending to hurt her husband and the woman she thinks is his mistress. Roger says that Flavia has no connection to the house and proceeds to give the “potential tenants” a tour. When Mrs. Clackett enters, he introduces her to the sheeted couple. She thinks he is trying to take her new plate of sardines and tells him to leave her alone. Roger takes the sheeted couple on a tour of the house.

The burglar enters, pretending to be the plumber. Mrs. Clackett talks to Flavia, saying that the people are Arab “sheets” instead of sheikhs. Flavia says that her sheets are Irish linen and have been stolen off her bed. Vicki and Philip enter, and Mrs. Clackett pulls on the sheet covering Vicki and reveals her in her underwear. Philip goes off stage, afraid of being caught with Vicki again by Flavia. The burglar recognizes Vicki as his long-lost daughter. Philip, hearing this, reenters in amazement. The stage directions reveal that he is now played by Tim, as Frederick’s double. Vicki tells her father that she works for Inland Revenue, and Philip faints. The real sheikh comes to the door, asking to rent the house. The stage directions reveal that the sheikh looks very much like Philip— as a result, he is played by Frederick. Roger, believing him to be Philip, calls him a sex criminal. Flavia also accuses him, identifying him as her husband. Philip’s pants are still around Frederick’s ankles, and Lloyd points this out, stopping the rehearsal. It takes several lines for the actors to realize that the scene has been stopped.

Once they are stopped, Frederick explains that he couldn’t get his pants off backstage during his quick change from Philip into the sheikh and had to wear them under the sheet. Lloyd calls out for Tim to help, but Tim is still in his own sheet disguise, having fallen asleep after his character fainted. Frederick asks Lloyd why the sheikh is Philip’s double. Garry says that the doubling is so that the play’s joke of mistaken identity works. Belinda adds that it is so that the plot can move forward. Lloyd claims that an earlier, lost draft of the play includes the detail that Philip’s father traveled in the Middle East when Philip was growing up. Frederick accepts this answer, and Lloyd says that he must convey this detail through gestures. He also tells Frederick to take Philip’s pants off. 

Lloyd restarts the scene. Flavia is threatening violence against Philip because she thinks he has a mistress. Brooke stops the rehearsal again, asking why the sheikh looks like Philip. Lloyd says that’s not the line and has Poppy bring him the script, pointing out that Brooke did not say her line. Lloyd rants about how it is one o’clock in the morning and they just want to get through the end of the first act. Brooke runs off tearfully, and Lloyd goes after her. Garry says that he thought Lloyd would rant to Poppy. Belinda informs the rest of the cast and crew that Brooke and Lloyd are romantically involved. They were having sex over the weekend while Tim was putting up the set by himself. When Brooke and Lloyd return, Poppy goes backstage, saying that she is feeling ill. Lloyd goes after her.

When they are gone, several cast members talk about how Lloyd and Poppy are also romantically involved. Brooke says that she’s going to faint, and the others encourage her to sit down and do a meditation. Lloyd returns and says that Poppy probably ate something that didn’t agree with her. Garry vaguely indicates that Brooke is feeling something, and Lloyd says that he is also feeling something. Garry offers a seat, and Belinda offers her vase in case Lloyd is going to throw up. Lloyd sits and says that he needs a tea break. Lloyd asks them to run the last two lines of the first act. Poppy, while crying in the wings, has to give Selsdon the last line of the act. Selsdon still struggles with the line, so Poppy comes on stage with the script, and everyone except Selsdon gives the last word—“sardines.” Lloyd calls for the curtain, and Poppy has to run backstage again to close the curtain.