Next of Kin

“Sober or not, my mother has always looked like herself—warm, familiar, like me. Now, I’m perhaps the only version of who my mother used to be that’s left in this world. She’s a stranger now, in all ways. A stranger my heart breaks for. A stranger I still need the approval of, love from…but I will have to settle for trust. The trust she is giving me to look after my sister.”

Though Chloe’s background with her mom is rocky, she has always taken comfort in their family resemblance, believing it means she got good qualities from her mom. However, the resemblance is also deeply rooted in Chloe’s trauma, reminding her of the neglect and poor treatment she received from the woman who should have cared for her. Chloe noting how her mother looks different now symbolizes Chloe putting distance between herself and her mom. Chloe still wants the approval she never got as a child, but, more importantly, she wants her sister to have a better childhood than she did, which is why she puts trust ahead of all else.

“The first time I came here, I found out each caseworker has about twenty kids under their supervision. There are three floors with rooms like this one. That is a lot of kids. A lot.”

Chloe visits Rachel (a social worker) at her office, a small cubicle on a floor full of many cubicles. Chloe’s acknowledgment of many social workers and the many children they help is a nod to the bleak reality of the foster care system. Unfortunately, Chloe’s experiences are shared by many children, but fortunately, there are many dedicated social workers to help. Even so, there are more kids than social workers, and the social workers are overtaxed, which is where the system starts to break down.

“Male friendships are strange. Though I suppose I’m no expert on friendships of any kind. Elementary school had been a write-off, being transferred among schools when I moved from my mom’s to a foster family, then back to Connie, then to my now-parents’ place as a foster placement, then, after my adoption, to our new home.”

Warren brought a friend from work to help him move into Chloe’s apartment, and Chloe notes how strange it is to her that they only communicate when they need to coordinate moving around each other. Chloe realizes that her past friendships haven’t been what other people might consider “normal.” The upheaval of being in the foster care system meant she didn’t really put down roots because she was moved around so much. The lengthy and uncertain process of finding Chloe a safe home highlights the long-lasting effects of the foster care system. Even after Chloe went to a permanent home, she struggled to make friends because she lacked experience and felt distanced from the other kids.

“On my bus ride home, most of the women my age are with a gaggle of friends. A few of them toward the back pass around a flask and giggle as they check to see if the driver is looking. Another group is scrolling on their phones and dressed to go dancing. None of them, it seems, are headed home at eleven on a Saturday night to sit by themselves and wallow.”

Chloe’s observations about the women her age on the bus highlight how different she feels from them and how there is no single lifestyle for her age group. Chloe envies these women because part of her wishes she could feel so carefree. Another part of her realizes she’s doing something important by helping Willow, and these two parts of her are at odds with one another, creating her somber mood.

“The coffee pot fills, and I’ll have to drink it black. I’ve never had the taste for black coffee before, but now I can’t seem to function without it. I make Willow a bottle, and for a desperate second, consider splashing some into my mug. No, I tell myself, you can’t use formula in place of creamer.”

This passage shows Chloe’s adjustment to becoming a parent and the difficulties of caring for a newborn. Lack of sleep and a busy schedule have kept Chloe from fulfilling her basic needs, such as food shopping. The black coffee is an example of what she’s given up to ensure Willow is cared for, and Chloe’s thought about putting baby formula in her coffee shows how desperately exhausted and frazzled she is. This moment is also a point of humor and understanding for new parents reading the book, and it makes Chloe’s character more relatable to people who understand her struggles.

“Luke leans, placing the back of his head onto the seat of the chair. His eyes stare up at the ceiling far above us. He has one benefit that most teenagers don’t have, I suppose, being able to tune out adults whenever he wants.”

Luke has just asked if Chloe will tell Warren that he was smoking pot, and Chloe says she should. Luke’s response here fits his character—a teenager who knows he’s made a poor choice and will probably get in trouble. Chloe’s observation about the “benefit” of Luke’s deafness is accurate and ironic. This moment also highlights the unique relationship between Chloe and Luke. Chloe is not Luke’s parent but feels obligated to parent him here because she wants the best for him.

“For the one who did the yelling this afternoon, he does an extremely convincing impression of a scorned child. His head hangs until he can probably see my feet, then he slowly looks up. Eyes heavy and hesitant. There is possibly even fear. Of me? Strange. Not once, even during his yelling, was I fearful of him. Nervous, sure…but not scared.”

After Chloe and Warren’s shouting match regarding Luke smoking pot, Warren is embarrassed at how he let his temper get away from him, and Chloe’s observation shows the juxtaposition of her feelings against his. Chloe thinks she overstepped by dealing with what Luke did, but Warren is the one who looks guilty. Chloe’s lack of fear foreshadows how she goes after Warren after his explosive anger at the end of the book. Chloe understands where Warren is coming from and has the guts to stick up for herself and put him in his place.

“As I pull in front of Luke’s school and spot him, I honk twice before realizing most of the kids can’t hear me, including Luke. A teacher glares, and I offer an embarrassed wave in the form of an apology.”

Though Chloe’s adoptive father is deaf, and she’s familiar with using visual cues to get his (and, thus, Luke’s) attention, Chloe still honks her horn here because it’s a learned behavior—even though it’s at a school for deaf students. This moment illustrates the effect of ableism on society. Even for people like Chloe, who understand the differences people with disabilities experience, she still falls back onto this learned behavior that has become a societal norm.

“Calvin is coming over later. I didn’t mean to agree to it, but I sorta did. He’s nice enough, right? Cute, I think. Do you think? No, sorry. Well, I shouldn’t presume. Maybe you do think he’s cute—that’s cool with me. That isn’t my business, sorry…I’m not sure if it’s a date or not…but for me, it’s never been the way it is in the movies. You know, people go out to dinner or a movie, something cute—or sometimes both…then they walk home holding hands. I’ve never done that. It’s always takeout at someone’s place. I suppose I might not go out much anymore. Now that I have Willow, I mean…I’ve never been asked out on a real date, before today that is, when you…did you mean a date like that? Or—”

Chloe is adamant that she and Warren can’t pursue a romantic relationship because she won’t risk gaining custody of Willow. These lines show Chloe’s tendency to babble and apologize when she’s upset, and they also make it clear Chloe is interested in Warren and not Calvin, which foreshadows her date with Calvin going poorly. Her confessions about past dates reveal another way her life has differed from what the media has led her to expect. Instead of fancy nights out and whirlwind romances, her dates have been smaller affairs, partly due to her not letting people in, and this moment also foreshadows the actual date Warren takes her on later.

“Hello, Darling! Your father and I have booked flights to come visit. Surprise! Flying in on the 19th and will be out on the 24th. We’ll be available for a visit on your birthday, but otherwise our schedule is filling up rather quickly. If you aren’t available, please do let us know so we can make other plans. We can go out (if you can find a sitter) or have dinner at yours. Anyway, hope you’re well—and keeping up with your work despite distractions. Janine said Rodney is still hiring at the firm, if you’re interested.”

The email Chloe receives from her adoptive mom highlights the passive-aggressive upbringing she received. Despite knowing Chloe needs to work from home to care for Willow, her mom suggests Chloe get an in-office, full-time job, even though this would mean Chloe couldn’t adequately care for Willow and would jeopardize her custody fight. In addition, her mom puts Chloe’s birthday as almost an afterthought, highlighting how there is only one time they are available to celebrate. The email foreshadows the confrontation Warren has with them during her birthday dinner and shows how her adoptive mom, though not neglectful or an alcoholic, had issues of her own.

“If Emily’s a friend worth having, she’ll be cool about it. You were trying to get by without being labeled—everyone can identify with that.”

Chloe is worried about her impending lunch with Emily. She never told her roommates she was adopted, and now, with Willow, there’s no avoiding the truth. Chloe fears Emily will reject her for lying, and these lines from Warren are exactly what she needs to hear. These lines also speak to how all people have secrets. Chloe never revealed she was adopted or the details of her turbulent childhood because she didn’t want to be labeled or judged. She just wanted to be accepted at face value, and she felt hiding herself was the only way to do so.

“I felt a huge relief, finally admitting those hidden parts of my story, but mostly I felt embarrassed. Not about who I am or how I grew up—as I had expected—but embarrassed that I’d kept it hidden for so long. Emily compared it to telling new friends that she’s transgender. No one is owed your history, but there is trust in telling, she had said. She called it an authentic exchange.”

Emily’s acceptance of Chloe’s background without judgment helps Chloe realize that she doesn’t have to hide to get by and doesn’t have to tell everyone everything about herself. Emily’s ideas about trust and authentic exchanges show Chloe that she can pick and choose who she lets into her life and that she doesn’t have to share herself with people who seem harmful or negative. This passage links to the theme of What Makes a Family.

“I suppose she didn’t assume I’d carry on the tradition of our middle names. My grandmother’s name was Jean. I never knew her; but it’s also Connie’s middle name as well as my own. It didn’t feel right to not give it to Willow.”

Though Chloe felt betrayed by carrying on her family legacy alone, she realizes there are ways to stay connected to her family and remember the family she wished she had. By carrying on the tradition of her family’s middle name, Chloe is telling her birth mom that she forgives her for what she did and that she doesn’t want to continue to be bitter and angry. Though her childhood was difficult, family is still important to her, and she wants it to matter to Willow. Continuing this tradition helps Chloe feel grounded in who she is and will be.

“‘Do not speak to me like that, hija. You want me to be happy to watch you throw your life away?’ She scoffs. ‘I thought you’d follow my example and not your junkie birth mother, but now you choose this life? You choose art over success? Pride over wealth? You choose to raise a baby alone? Who will want you now? Ay dios mio. We tried so hard! Where did we go so wrong?’”

Chloe’s adoptive mom says this to Chloe at her birthday dinner, and this dialogue exemplifies How Judgment Causes Harm. Chloe’s adoptive mom looks down on anyone who doesn’t think like she does, which extends to Chloe now that she has chosen her own path. This excerpt also shows how Chloe’s adoptive mom damaged Chloe. While she didn’t neglect Chloe, her passive-aggressive, judgmental nature made a young, impressionable Chloe believe she had to change herself to make her parents proud. This idea extended into Chloe’s adult life, so she continuously sought approval when she didn’t need to.

“‘I’ve spent so much of my life being angry…angry at my mom for dying. Angry at my dad for not sticking around. Angry at CPS for separating Luke and me. Angry at myself for fucking everything up. Angry at people who get to live normal lives…angry at pretty girls who make me question why I’m so grumpy all the time…He turns to me, wearing a sincere expression. ‘A dove is a symbol of peace.’ He reaches toward me, holding my cheek in his palm. ‘That’s what you are to me…peace.’”

This passage of Warren’s dialogue dives deep into his character to unpack his anger issues and what caused them to get so out of hand. After his mother’s death and father’s absence, Warren grew bitter at the world for his situation, and because it felt like a shield, he carried that anger forward. Chloe is the first person who’s been able to break through that anger, making Warren realize there’s more to life than getting mad and shielding himself. This passage also cuts to the heart of the romance genre—the idea that love conquers all.

“I check myself out in the mirror after grabbing my leather jacket from the closet—it matches the boots and adds to the sexier look I’m going for. I’m still me under all of this, but I don’t look as…approachable. Damn, I don’t even look sunshine-y. I look like a cool girl. Like the drummer’s girlfriend. Like sex in heels.”

Chloe has finished getting dressed for her date with Warren and relishes how her red dress and leather jacket make her look like a completely different person. This moment symbolizes how Chloe no longer thinks she has to be the person others expect her to be. For years, Chloe has hidden behind bright clothes and an unbothered facade to hide the truth of her past. Though she still is a positive person who enjoys bright colors, she isn’t that person at this moment. Instead, she is the darker version of herself—possibly the person she could have been if she hadn’t constantly pretended everything was okay.

“‘Chloe, I’m not nervous because of the restaurant.’ He looks down at me, hands fidgeting in his pockets. ‘It doesn’t matter where we go. You’ll still be the most gorgeous woman in the room, and I’ll still be the guy trying to figure out how he’s with her.’ He pauses, studying me, then tilts his head and smiles. ‘People are nervous on first dates. Aren’t you even a little nervous?’

‘I guess I’m not.’”

On their first date, Chloe thinks Warren is nervous because he feels he doesn’t belong at such a nice place, but Warren dismisses those concerns here with the real reason. This moment reveals another similarity between Chloe and Warren—how their troubled pasts have kept both of them from “typical” experiences. Warren hasn’t taken a girl he likes to such a fancy place before, so he’s nervous because he wants the night to go well. Chloe’s lack of nerves shows she’s already committed to Warren and that the date is just a formality. No matter how the night goes, she’s going home with him, both because she wants to and because they live together.

“I stand and reach out to him, offering to pull him up. He walks the guitar back, picks up his backpack, and leads us to the exit in pitch black. Then, it’s as if we hadn’t been here at all. This stage might not even exist soon. The moment is ours, existing now solely in our shared memories. It’s so much more precious this way.”

Warren has just finished playing Chloe the song he wrote for her. They are leaving the place where Warren’s band used to play, which symbolizes how they are both leaving the unhappy parts of their past behind and foreshadows Warren’s new drum set in the Epilogue. It is fitting that this space will soon be renovated because it, like Chloe and Warren, will be gone in its current form. The location becomes a meaningful turning point where Chloe and Warren come together and move forward.

“I think the fact that you’re already worrying about the decisions you’re making for Willow down the line means you’re probably making the right ones. Or at least the best ones you can. Her life will never be entirely normal—but she’ll be loved. By you, by your mom, us, hopefully Warren and Luke. No one with all that love around her could have hate in her heart, especially not for her big sister.”

Emily says this after Chloe expresses her concern that Willow will hate her for her decisions regarding their mom later on. These lines exemplify how good of a friend Emily is—thinking before she speaks and offering meaningful observations. She also points out how hard Chloe works to be a good parent, highlighting the differences between her and the people Chloe has called her parents. Emily’s words also touch on the transformative power of love. While Chloe and Warren have changed each other through romance, this is not the only kind of love that matters. The two of them also offer love in the form of understanding, and the familial type of love Emily refers to here will impact Willow regardless of Chloe’s decisions.

“I’m so fortunate to have found a partner in Warren. I like to think that without all these straining circumstances we would have still found each other—call it kismet, soulmates, fate, whatever. But I wouldn’t take back a single hard day. I wouldn’t trade all those lonely nights if it meant I didn’t get to be right here, right now, in his arms.

Warren and I might not have a single clue what we’re doing, but we have each other to carry some of the heavy load.”

These lines point to the loving support Warren and Chloe offer each other and also hint at how Everything Happens for a Reason. Both experienced hardships growing up, and their first years of adulthood were lonely and challenging. They each needed to find themselves before they were ready for each other, and Chloe shows that in her belief that she and Warren are meant to face life together. This excerpt also highlights the importance of teamwork in a romantic relationship and how the foundation of the relationship matters.

“‘What? No. Luke, you love your dad…’ Choose your words carefully, Chloe. ‘He cares about you, I’m sure. But he doesn’t get to manipulate you for his benefit. You have a big heart for wanting to help him, but that is not your job.’”

After Luke explains why he’s been talking to his dad and how his dad claims he’ll lose his apartment without money from CPS to supplement his assets, Chloe sees the harmful impact of Warren and Luke’s dad in the present. She realizes that the boys have been just as neglected as she was. This moment also highlights Luke’s vulnerability as a kid and even as a deaf person. His dad doesn’t know ASL, despite having a 15-year-old deaf child, which shows that the man has never cared enough to learn to communicate with his son.

“This man is not my father, or my mother, and he’ll probably never change—but fuck it. I’m done. I’m done holding back my anger toward people who don’t care about the impact their decisions have on others. The manipulation, the emotional immaturity, the narcissistic tendencies…I’m done with it all. Warren and Luke are my family, and I refuse to let this man take any more of our happiness.”

During Chloe’s visit, Warren’s dad spends most of the conversation putting down his kids, Warren especially—saying Warren would never amount to anything and had no respect for his father. Chloe knows none of this is accurate, and hearing him say it makes her realize how much damage he’s done to his children. Chloe notes that Warren’s father is emotionally immature, narcissistic, and manipulative. While Chloe can understand this way of thinking, she also knows now that she doesn’t have to put up with it and vows that this man won’t hurt Warren and Luke anymore.

“I never even really knew why I kept them. But then you came along and teased me about it…and then you stuck. And then you loved me. And more than that, you became the only home I’ve ever really known. The only place I’ve ever really felt safe to be me. And then I didn’t need to hold on to them anymore. Those little remnants of my past didn’t seem to matter.”

Chloe refers to the many keys she used to keep on her keyring. The first time Warren came over, it took her a few tries to find the right key for her apartment, and Warren didn’t understand why she didn’t know which key was the right one. Here, Chloe reveals she kept the keys from her past homes because she needed something to hold on to since most of her past held so much upheaval. Getting rid of the keys symbolizes that Chloe is no longer ruled by who she used to be or what happened years ago. She no longer needs to hold on to the past to feel grounded because good people in her present have helped her find her self-worth and confidence.