Never Split the Difference: Negotiating as If Your Life Depended on It

“I realized that without a deep understanding of human psychology, without the acceptance that we are all crazy, irrational, impulsive, emotionally driven animals, all the raw intelligence and mathematical logic in the world is little help in the fraught, shifting interplay of two people negotiating.” 

In direct contradiction to traditional modes of negotiation, which attempt to drain the process of any emotion in pursuit of rational solutions and compromises, Voss opts for—and embraces—an approach that fully recognizes the emotional basis of most human negotiation. This insight informs everything that follows, from mirroring and labeling to asking calibrated questions. It also demands an approach that is messy and adaptable, far removed from the scripted techniques of the past.

“Negotiation serves two distinct, vital life functions—information gathering and behavior influencing—and includes almost any interaction where each party wants something from the other side. Your career, your finances, your reputation, your love life, even the fate of your kids—at some point all these hinge on your ability to negotiate.” 

Voss regularly presents his techniques in varied contexts, including business and personal interactions. The implication is that the same core principles apply no matter the setting or the stakes. He opens and closes the book with a reminder of the many areas in which the principles of negotiation can make a difference.

“Instead of prioritizing your argument—in fact, instead of doing any thinking at all in the early goings about what you’re going to say—make your sole and all-encompassing focus the other person and what they have to say. In that mode of true active listening […] you’ll disarm your counterpart. You’ll make them feel safe.” 

While many of Voss’s tips and techniques consist of actions for a negotiator to take, knowing which tools to use when hinges on understanding a counterpart’s mental and emotional state. For that reason, he presents active listening as a crucial part of any negotiation. As you listen, you create a safe space for a counterpart to divulge the information you need.