57 pages • 1 hour read
Mistakes We Never Made
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Themes
The Importance of Allowing Relationships to Change
The relationships in Mistakes We Never Mad span decades, and the novel explores how both relationships and the people in them change over time. Prior to the novel’s events, Emma is a perfectionist who fears change. She struggles to allow either herself or her friends to grow or develop. In her mind, everyone stays who they have always been, leading her judgments from years before color the way that she views them. Her road trip with Finn, her acceptance of Sybil’s independence, and her encounter with her father show her that relationships can change over time.
Emma is hesitant to trust that Finn could have changed from who he was when they were in high school and college. She finds a lot of comfort in reflecting on their time on debate team together, often referencing how they “both assum[e] the debate team stance” or the “competitiveness [she] used to get around Finn during debate prep” (22; 162). However, she also thinks that it’s impossible that he could be more reliable than he was when they were younger. For example, when she discusses Sebastian—Sybil’s ex—she says, “You have to be able to depend on people. You have to know they’ll be there for you” (165). While she doesn’t mean to specifically target his actions by saying this, she does still hold onto the times that he disappointed her. However, by the end of the novel, she accepts that their relationship is different and that Finn himself is not the same person. She appreciates that he takes care of her, and throughout the weekend, she sees exactly how hard he is willing to try to ensure her happiness. For example, when she asks him why he bought his mother’s house, he replies, “You asked me to” (299). To him, “all [Emma] ever had to do was ask, and [she] could have everything [she] ever wanted” (299). This simple attention to what she wants shows Emma that Finn really will do anything for her and that he is not going to let her down as he has in the past.
Emma also comes to see that she needs to let go of trying to control her friends’ lives, and this lesson is exemplified in her realization that she has to let Sybil be more independent. Not knowing what happened with Sybil the day of prom bothers Emma. However, when Sybil explains, “I just knew you’d be disappointed in me” if she’d told her what was really going on, Emma decides to trust that their friendship (and Sybil) can withstand her not trying to control Sybil’s life as much (318). She even thinks, “it’s only natural for friendships to grow and change with time. And I know our friendship is strong enough to take it” (318). This realization is an important shift in Emma’s approach to friendship and life, paving the way for more fulfilling and supportive relationships in the future.
Finally, when Emma sees her father, she starts to find closure after his decision to leave when she was a kid. She is even open to talking to him more. Learning that he saw himself as making a decision for his family, Emma is afraid of walking the same path and ending up alone. Instead, she learns that she can only do so much, and “[a]fter that, it’s up to him to make the next move” (295). This realization allows her to step back and prioritize herself.
Emma learns over the course of the novel that people are not stagnant entities, and neither are the relationships between them. She accepts that the past does not define a person and that she must let the people in her life make their own decisions. Their relationships with one another might change, but they can still be close, even if the dynamic is different from what it originally was.
The Need to Accept Uncertainty
The title of the novel, Mistakes We Never Made, hints at the role that mistakes play in the novel’s plot, and Emma’s conception of mistakes at its start is one with a solely negative connotation. A perfectionist, she fears that making a mistake will get her hurt as she has been in the past. She eventually learns that living life means making mistakes and that mistakes can have positive effects.
When Emma sets out with Finn, she is unwilling to let herself consider what it would be like to be with him. Viewing their almost-rendezvous in high school, she thinks that “[s]ome mistakes do define you. Some mistakes leave you irrevocably changed” (72). She does not think it’s possible for Finn to have become any different than who he was before. She is, after all, not judging him based solely on one error; he has let her down several times. However, she eventually also comes to realize that she has never let herself fully listen to him or tell him precisely what she wants. When they talked after prom, her “pride won out” and she didn’t tell him how much she hoped that they could get together (69). Similarly, when they start to hook up again on their trip, she likewise tries to hide her feelings by saying, “I think we can both agree it was a onetime thing” (233). She has held onto his mistake for so long that she does not want to let herself get hurt again.
Finn slowly helps her to realize that mistakes can be positive as well. For instance, he tells her, “[s]ometimes, Emma, making the mistake is the best part about love” (222). He advocates for taking a leap of faith when it comes to loving someone, knowing that it might not end well. Having seen his father pass away at a young age, Finn knows that you never know what can happen and that protecting oneself from any possibility of heartbreak might mean missing out on the best that life has to offer. He further emphasizes this point later, showing Emma how her stubbornness can get in the way. For instance, he says, “maybe your life would be a little better if you were a little more willing to make mistakes […] and forgive other people for theirs” (244). In the moment, Emma does not want to do what he says, but Finn can see how she gets in her own way. Eventually, Emma comes to accept that mistakes are an important part of life. She takes the leap of faith with Finn, thinking “I don’t know if things with him will last, but I’m willing to give forever a shot” (319). This paradoxical phrase—“give forever a shot”—suggests that Emma has learned to tolerate uncertainty. Previously, she was reluctant to begin a relationship with Fin unless she knew for certain that it would last forever. Now, she is willing to act on the hope that it might last forever, while accepting that it might not.
Emma begins the novel terrified of getting hurt, unwilling to do anything that she might see as a “mistake.” She has been burned before, both by her father and by Finn. However, as she comes to get to know Finn more, she starts to realize that mistakes do not always have to define a person. At the end of the novel, she seals this new belief by getting together with him, and it ends up paying off. By the epilogue’s conclusion, they’re engaged.
Letting Go of the Past
As a child, Emma was traumatized by her father’s departure. She is forever shaped by his impact on her life, both positive and negative. However, his leaving also made her reluctant to trust in others. She believes she must be perfect so that people will stay in her life. While she goes looking for Sybil, Emma also goes on a journey that allows her to find closure from the past.
Emma feels like her life has been shaped by her father’s abandonment of his family. To her, “when there’s one massive thing in your life that you have zero control over—like when a parent abandons you—then you look for stability where you can get it” (239). Even her friendship with Sybil is rooted in her memories of the “few weeks after my dad left us” when she had to start at a new school (7). Additionally, Emma had to take on a new role within her family, which in turn shaped how she interacted with her friends and partners later in life. She needs to ensure that their lives go well and that they are successful. It is why she helps Nikki sign up for LovedBy and why she goes traipsing across the country looking for Sybil. Yet, this desire to care for others makes her feel like “[w]hat I need is stability. Honesty. Trust” (240). Because she is so reluctant to trust others, she is not able to let others comfort her, leading her to think, “I just want someone to take care of me the way I take care of everyone else” (135). Sybil has been the only one who does that up until she finally lets Finn do so.
When Finn and Emma go to the Grand Canyon, Emma is finally able to release the version of her father that she has long been holding onto. Letting the ticket her father purchased the day he left float from her fingers symbolizes that she is no longer “holding onto the dream of what kind of father I was supposed to have” (296). She has never been able to let herself fully feel the effects of that day, and she and Finn both receive catharsis by screaming into the canyon. She finally no longer has to “outrun what happened” (296).
Finding peace after her father left is decades in the making for Emma, and by moving on from his decision to abandon her family, she can start fresh. She better appreciates the stability she has found in Sybil and is willing to trust that Finn could be a stable figure in her life.
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