Men Have Called Her Crazy

Men Have Called Her Crazy (2024) is a memoir by multimedia artist Anna Marie Tendler. The memoir debuted at number two on the New York Times Best Seller list and received praise in The New York Times, The Atlantic, TIME, and NPR. Alongside writing, Tendler works in photography, textiles, drawing, painting, and interior design. She holds a master of arts in fashion and textile history from New York University (NYU). In the memoir, Tendler details her time spent hospitalized for her mental health in 2021, interspersed with stories of her past, discussing her relationships with men and her journey with anxiety and depression, self-harm, and disordered eating. Men Have Called Her Crazy explores themes of Mental Health and Societal Expectations, The Impact of Gender Dynamics on Personal Identity, and The Process of Healing and Self-Discovery. 

This guide refers to the 2024 Simon and Schuster Kindle edition. 

Content Warning: The source material and this guide feature discussions of mental illness, suicidal ideation, addiction, disordered eating, self-harm, sexual violence, emotional abuse, physical abuse, and animal death. 

Plot Summary

Tendler begins the memoir with her admittance to the hospital in early 2021. She details the intake procedures before exploring what precipitated her decision to seek inpatient care. Earlier, she was working with her therapist, Dr. Karr, to address her anxiety, depression, and self-harm. Dr. Karr encouraged Tendler to try medication, which helped immensely. However, Tendler’s mental health conditions became more severe when she took a break from graduate school to work as a textile conservator in Washington, DC. She relapsed into self-harm for the first time in 13 years, and Dr. Karr enrolled her in a six-month course of dialectical therapy. This did not help, and when the pandemic hit, Tendler’s mental health, self-destructive behaviors, and suicidal ideation worsened. Dr. Karr then recommended inpatient therapy, and Tendler agreed.

Tendler speaks with Dr. Samuels, who assesses her during her intake. He asks about her mental health, self-harm, and suicidal ideation history. Tendler answers honestly and then goes to Dalby House, her residential house on the hospital premises. It is typically for women with substance abuse disorders, but she’s staying there because she arranged not to have to live with any men, as she is distrustful of them and wants to avoid them as much as possible. Tendler bonds with the other women there, particularly Mary, Caitlyn, and Shawn. Though initially reluctant to share her feelings, she begins to open up to her fellow patients, Dr. Samuels, Dr. Philips, and her case manager, Beth. She participates in various therapies.

Tendler meets with Dr. Philips for psychiatric evaluations. Tendler is anxious to perform well and understand herself. She scores high on the anxiety and depression scales but low on the delusional and violent scales. Her anxiety stems from her desire to excel and the heavy pressure she places on herself. The tests also indicate she experienced childhood trauma, which is consistent with Tendler’s experience with her parents’ divorce and her mother’s rage issues. At the end of Tendler’s stay, she has a meeting with Dr. Samuels, Dr. Philips, and Dr. Karr. Dr. Karr acts strange and distant, which worries Tendler. At their final meeting before Tendler leaves, Dr. Karr is outwardly dismissive to Tendler and discusses possibly ending their therapist-client relationship. She is distraught as she leaves, and she calls Dr. Philips and decides to return for a few more days at Dalby House. Dr. Philips and Beth both express concern about Dr. Karr’s behavior, and retroactively, Tendler realizes their therapist-client relationship is unhealthy. She stays at Dalby House for an extra weekend and makes a plan with Dr. Philips and Beth for her continuing care. Her mother arrives with her French bulldog, Petunia, and Tendler leaves to return home to Connecticut.

In interspersed flashback chapters, Tendler reflects on her past. Growing up, she dressed in clothes that her mother made for her. Tendler was attached to her alternative style, but beneath the confident outfits and makeup, she dealt with depression and anxiety. Much of this stemmed from her mother’s volatile outbursts and rage issues, which made Tendler feel constantly uneasy. Without help or proper outlets, Tendler turned to self-harm. Her friend Amanda noticed; Tendler promised and failed to stop. From her freshman year, Tendler began having troubling experiences with men. A senior named Ethan invited himself to her house to make out with her, though he ignored her at school. Tendler fell in love with a cross-country runner, but he ignored her feelings. Tendler then began dating older men, culminating in a relationship with a 28-year-old man named Sam when she was 16. Her parents divorced, and she moved to Los Angeles with Sam under the guise of living with a friend. She attended cosmetology school in LA but didn’t pass her board exam. After their relationship became more unhealthy, Tendler broke up with Sam and moved back to New York City for college.

In New York, Tendler had a healthy relationship with a man named David, who she knew in high school, but their relationship didn’t work. She did not self-harm during their relationship, but she started again after their break up and her father’s sudden remarriage. She briefly dated a musician in recovery from heroin abuse, but that relationship fell apart. She briefly reunited with David before they broke up for good. Tendler then dated her friend Amanda’s wealthy boss, Theo, but their financial inequality pushed Tendler to leave. She worked briefly as a makeup artist before becoming a multimedia artist and making artisanal Victorian lampshades. She kept making art and adopted Petunia. 

Tendler reunites with Petunia after leaving Dalby House. They go to the vet, return home together to Tendler’s empty house, and eat dinner. Tendler continues to attend outpatient Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) with hospital practitioners, and nine months after her release from the hospital, she begins dating following her divorce from her husband. She has a brief relationship with a man named Reece, but she breaks up with him after she realizes she cannot change his ideological and anti-feminist beliefs. She tries more online dating but realizes she needs to change her view on love and of herself in relation to men. As her friends begin having children, Tendler freezes her eggs, though she does not want to be a mother. Petunia dies, and Tendler realizes she can now experience grief without falling apart.

Two years after departing Dalby House, Tendler reads notes from her providers, namely Dr. Samuels, who diagnosed her with various mental health disorders, two of which (borderline personality disorder and intermittent explosive disorder) Tendler and her current therapist disagree with. Dr. Samuels believed Tendler’s aversion to men stems from a difficult relationship with her mother. Tendler finds this offensive as she does not want her experiences with men framed as a woman’s fault. She does not hate men and wants to love them again someday, but she needs to untangle her identity and self-worth from the attention and validation of men. Reflecting on her mental health journey, Tendler is proud of the work she’s done to better herself and find happiness. She still has some suicidal ideation, depression, and anxiety, but she has the tools to live with them.