Luster

“Beyond the fact of older men having more stable finances and a different understanding of the clitoris, there is the potent drug of a keen power imbalance. Of being caught in the excruciating limbo between their disinterest and expertise. Their panic at the world’s growing indifference. Their rage and adult failure, funneled into the reduction of your body into gleaming, elastic parts.” 

Edie is drawn to older men, and she has a keen understanding of the anxiety that consumes them. Edie is aware of the ways in which older men use younger women like herself. After later admitting that this attraction to older men stems from her abandonment issues with her father, Edie grows increasingly less interested in pursuing these types of relationships.

“As a rule, I try to avoid popping that dusky cherry. I cannot be the first black girl a white man dates. I cannot endure the nervous renditions of backpacker rap, the conspicuous effort to be colloquial, or the smugness of pink men in kente cloth.” 

Edie comments on the sense of discomfort that a White man often experiences when first dating a Black woman. With humor, Leilani draws attention to the awkwardness present in some interracial relationships. Edie notices these awkward tendencies within Eric as he navigates his discomfort as the lover of a Black woman and the father of a Black girl.

“‘Interesting,’ I say. Of course, it is not interesting that he has been allowed to live candidly. It is not interesting that he cannot conceive of anything else. He has equated his range of motion with mine. He hasn’t considered the lies you tell to survive, the kindness of pretend, which I illustrate now, as I eat this bacterial hot dog. This is the first time I sort of understand him. He thinks we’re alike. He has no idea how hard I’m trying.”

On their first date, Edie notices the differences that separate her and Eric along the lines of race, gender, and class. Here, Edie acknowledges Eric’s ignorance of the struggles that define her experience as a young Black woman. Eric’s ignorance is representative of the greater inability of White people to understand the additional pressure placed on Black people to thrive and survive.