Love, Theoretically

“It initially seemed sketchy that people would pay for a fake date in the age of Tinder and Pornhub, and that they’d pay me—unremarkable Elsie Hannaway of the medium everything. Medium height. Medium-brown hair and eyes. Medium nose, butt, feet, legs, breasts. Pretty, yeah, sure, but in a medium, nondescript way. And yet, my medium mediumness is the perfect blank slate to fill. An empty canvas to paint on. A mirror, reflecting only what others care to project.”

Elsie’s description of herself shows how little she thinks of herself and highlights how she only thinks of herself in terms of how she can change for others. The metaphorical comparison of herself to a blank slate emphasizes how much Elsie has erased herself in order to become the person others want her to be.

“‘I remember reading her paper last year. I was very impressed. Had no idea she was that junior.’ ‘Right? Makes you wonder how much of it is her mentor’s.’ A vague hum of agreement that has my hands tightening around the balls of Jack’s shoulders. None, I want to scream. It was my model. ‘She’s young and beautiful. Which means that she’ll get pregnant in a couple of years, and we’ll have to teach her courses.’”

This exchange between two MIT physics professors that is overheard by Elsie and Jack shows how misogyny is ingrained into academia and STEM. The fact that they attribute Elsie’s work to her mentor shows that they think that a young woman is incapable of coming up with the ideas she writes about. Their assumption that Elsie will have children in the following years also highlights the unrealistic expectations placed on women in academia and in the workforce more generally, as the two men both expect her to become a mother and complain about how it will impact them if she dares to have a personal life.

“It doesn’t matter if you hated me at first sight, because I’ve hated you long before we ever met. I hated you the first time I heard your name. I hated you when I was twelve and read what you’d done in Scientific American. I’ve hated you harder, I’ve hated you longer, and I’ve hated you for better reasons.”

The motif of revenge is strong in the earlier chapters of Love, Theoretically, as is demonstrated in this quote. Elsie feels her anger toward Jack gives her power and will drive her to do whatever it takes to get the MIT job. Particularly as Elsie thinks her hatred is stronger and more justified than Jack’s hatred of her, Elsie reveals how she considers anger and revenge to be the only ways to overpower Jack.

“After two and a half decades of APE, I can safely state that the Elsie my mom wants is a droid. She’s powerful, mobile, financially soluble. She successfully quenched her earthly needs and lives in a state of perennial prosperity.”

This quote not only illustrates how Elsie’s mother views her but also how little Elsie feels she is able to tell her own family. The real Elsie is few of the things her mother considers her to be, yet Elsie has transformed herself into who she thinks her mother wants whenever they interact. By hiding her problems from even her family, Elsie cannot rely on them for the help and support she needs.

“His mouth quirks, and I think something nonsensical: I’d hate him less if he weren’t so handsome. Even less if he were as charming as a morgue. And even even less if I could read him, just a little.”

Elsie’s changing opinion of Jack is conventional of contemporary romance novels, especially those that include the trope of enemies becoming lovers. This quote also reveals Elsie’s anger at not being able to understand Jack and perform as the version of herself he wants. This dynamic foreshadows their eventual intimacy and Elsie’s growth as a character.

“I did know, however, that there is something about you. That you tirelessly study people. Figure out who they are, what they want, and then mold yourself into whatever shape you think will fit them. I’ve seen you play half a dozen different roles for half a dozen different situations, switching personalities like you’re channel surfing, and I still have no idea who you are. So I think it’s within my right to be concerned for my brother. And I think it’s within my right to be curious about you.”

Jack’s declaration that he knows Elsie is performing APE and changing herself for others comes as a shock to Elsie but also shows Jack’s constant desire to understand Elsie. Jack has observed Elsie from the beginning, yet unlike the scientific principles he can easily see the patterns in, he is still curious about who Elsie really is.

“You lie, Elsie. Every single one of your interactions is a lie [...] Is this what you do with Greg, too? You code-switch a conjured, nonexistent persona he fell in love with?”

Jack’s opinion of what Elsie calls code-switching shows how much his assumptions about her affect his view of her intentions and moral standards. As he thinks she is only capable of lying and not able to reveal even part of herself, Jack assumes Elsie must be intentionally hurting Greg and lying about her qualifications for the MIT job. Jack and Elsie’s argument about code-switching versus lying is one continually addressed throughout the novel.

“He’s worried. He seems genuinely worried about my well-being and state of mind. Which is surprisingly nice and maybe a tad amusing, until I realize why: he’s convinced that I’ll fail. And that makes me feel…something. A mix of anger and fear and something else, reminiscent of the carefree joy that comes from dancing on the graves of enemies who dared to underestimate me.”

Elsie’s complicated feelings about Jack worrying about her well-being if she does not get the job show how the revenge that was driving her has become more complex and entwined with her other feelings about Jack. She has this thought shortly after Jack helps her with her glycemic attack, when she is grateful for his aid. Yet Elsie is also motivated by Jack’s doubt of her, fueling the revenge that she forgot moments prior.

“He sees everything. Every molecule I am built of—he could list it, describe it, reproduce it in a lab. He sees the rebar structure in me, and I…I see nothing. I understand nothing.”

The way Jack and Elsie understand one another is often described in technical and scientific language. Both Elsie and Jack want to understand the universe, not only because of their jobs as physicists, but because of their outlooks on life. Elsie’s inability to read Jack also highlights how she relies on her APE protocol to get by, as she does not know what to do or how to act around someone she cannot decipher.

“‘He helped me, though. Without him I—’ ‘He stood up for you when some shit-faced manboy verbally harassed you—Elsie, it’s the bare minimum. The bar’s so low, you could pick it up and beat him with it.’”

This exchange between Elsie and Cece about Jack defending Elsie from Austin shows Elsie’s changing feelings for Jack as well as the low standards to which she holds others. Though her standards for herself are high, Elsie rarely expects others, especially men, to care about her, let alone help her. Cece’s assertion that Jack did the “bare minimum” in regard to Austin puts Elsie’s thoughts in a broader perspective.

“But you’re cool. Like…a Barbie [...] You’re not blond. But there’s one of you for every occasion.”

Greg’s comparison of Elsie to a Barbie doll shows that others see Elsie the way she sees herself: as a blank slate that can be altered for every interaction. Barbie is also a symbol of femininity, and so the simile comparing Elsie to her also highlights how Elsie’s need to please others is also linked to her view of traditional womanhood.

“It’s easier like that, isn’t it? [...] Never showing anyone who you really are [...] That way if something goes wrong, if someone rejects you, then it’s not about you, is it? When you’re yourself, that’s when you’re exposed. Vulnerable. But if you hold back…Losing a game’s always painful, but knowing that you haven’t played your best hand makes it bearable.”

Jack’s cutting observation about Elsie highlights how intensely he has been observing her throughout the novel. Elsie has never “played [her] best hand” by showing her true self to others, yet by only ever pretending to be someone else, she has lost sight of who she truly is and would not know how to be herself even if she tried. Jack’s assessment of her is judgmental, but it is also only with his help that Elsie starts to become herself again.

“He doesn’t get it. 'I know, but of all the things that happened today, it seems like the shittiest. And I cannot control any of this—not my career tanking, not whether I’m going to have health insurance or make rent—but I…I can control the way I react. So I’m sorry I said it.”

The fact that Elsie feels that accusing George of sleeping with Jack to get the MIT job is the worst thing that happened on a day her hopes for her future were crushed shows how monumental she feels the action to be. Elsie is also acknowledging that the sexism she has internalized through her time in academia is also something that can be fixed, as it is something that people can control.

“In my fantasies, you allow me to keep an eye on you [...] And when I really let go, I imagine that you let me take care of you, too [...] Because in my head, no one has done it before.”

Jack’s fantasizing about taking care of Elsie shows just how much he cares about her and how little she appears to care for herself. Elsie gives so much of herself to others, yet though she thinks this will lead others to care about her, it doesn’t, as she never shows others her true self or what she is struggling with. This quote from Jack also shows how taking care of Elsie must be a joint action, as she has to “let” him take care of her by opening up to him and showing him who she really is.

“‘If we do this…when you’re with me, I need you to be honest. No pretending you’re someone else. No trying to be whatever you think it is that I want. You say what you think. And when you can’t, at least let yourself think it. No lies, Elsie.’ His jaw sets. ‘Just you.’”

Jack’s insistence that Elsie be herself around him emphasizes how uncommon it is for her to actually do so. This also highlights how Elsie only acts how she thinks others want, though she can’t always know what they think even when using her APE protocol. Even though she thinks Jack wants a specific version of her, she cannot know that he does not want her to be anyone but herself.

“‘Elise,’ he continues, tone softer, ‘I know how you feel.’ He circles his desk, coming to stand in front of me. ‘Remember when you started your doctorate? How helpless you felt? How I guided you through developing your algorithms, publishing your manuscripts, making a name for yourself within the physics community? I can help you now, too.’”

This quote from Laurendeau illustrates his manipulation tactics and how he has maintained control over “Elise.” Though his tone is soft and soothing, he reminds Elsie how much she needed him in the past and how much he has done for her, focusing on and overexaggerating his role. In doing so, Laurendeau attempts to keep Elsie dependent upon him and isolates her from any outside help.

“That I don’t tell my family about my job because I’m unable to let people know that I’m more than the sum of the ways I can be useful to them. That if I show my true self, with my needs and my wants, I risk being rejected. That I’ve wielded my ability to hide who I am like an emotional antiseptic, and in the process I’ve turned myself into a puppet.”

Elsie is assuming what Jack is going to say about her when she tells him about her role in her family. Though she is mocking Jack and his tendency to psychoanalyze her, this quote also shows how Elsie is starting to understand the downfalls of her people-pleasing. Elsie grows as a character by recognizing how harmful her own tendencies and coping mechanisms are.

“My mind turns to JJ, and here’s a truth I’m not going to admit out loud in this fancy open-plan apartment: I don’t even know if I have the capacity to like sex. I never wondered, because me enjoying something was never a priority.”

Elsie has this thought when Olive tells her about Jack’s past sexual relationships, not knowing that Elsie has a more complicated relationship with her own sexuality. This quote illustrates how her people-pleasing ways have prevented her from considering her own happiness or even attempting to wonder if she could enjoy something like sex. It also shows how, in more ways than one, Elsie’s relationship with Jack forces her to finally consider what would make her happy.

“Somewhere along the way your wires got crossed. Your brain decided that you’re not worth people’s time and effort, and that if you ask for anything, they won’t just say no, they’ll also leave you [...] That’s not how love works, Elsie. But don’t worry for now. I’ll show you.”

As Jack begins to know Elsie better and understand her motivations more, his assessments of her become much less judgmental. Unlike at earlier moments, Jack does not just point out Elsie’s flaws but understands she needs help working on them and offers her assistance. He continues to psychoanalyze her throughout the novel yet blames her less once he starts to understand how much her past has affected her.

“‘Knowing that the universe can be made sense of.’ ‘Made of patterns. Rules that can be learned, discovered, predicted.’ ‘Find them out, and you’ll know how to make the world into what you want,’ he says. ‘Find them out, and you’ll know how to make yourself into what the world wants,’ I say in return.”

This exchange between Jack and Elsie in one of their most intimate moments of the novel highlights just how similar their views of the world are yet how differently they both react to them. They both think that “the universe can be made sense of,” yet Jack has attempted to shape it into what he wants, and Elsie has tried to shape herself to fit in with what is already there. This is another example of how their scientific backgrounds also influence their view of the world and how they should act within it.

“There’s something unsaid in this. Because I want to know your life, maybe, or Because I want to know you. My eyes fall on the kit, and I picture myself using words like reservoir and expiration advisory and ketoacidosis. Explaining how each component works. I’ve never said some of those words out loud. They live exclusively in my head, together with the rest of my problems.”

When Jack asks Elsie to show him how her insulin pod works, Elsie realizes how little of herself she has let out into the world and how much she does not let anyone else help her. By keeping all of her problems to herself, Elsie is not sure how she can explain something like this to Jack, but his insistence on knowing shows both how much he cares for her and how he is allowing her to be vulnerable because he knows she needs the practice.

“Except that I’ve built my entire life on small lies. And over time, they’ve all grown to be huge. And the Elsie that Cece wants is, first and foremost, not a liar.”

After revealing to Cece all of the lies she has told her, Elsie realizes just how much the small lies she thought she was sharing have affected Cece’s view of her. Though she does not tell Cece big lies about her personality as she does with others, Elsie has still made Cece see a different version of herself by doing so.

“But it’s not easy, articulating. Getting easier, yes, but a few hours later, when I’m lying on the couch on top of Jack, all that comes out is ‘You’re not going to suddenly realize that you don’t really like me, right?’”

Though Elsie has made progress toward becoming her true self and being secure in that self by the epilogue of the novel, this excerpt shows how it is still something she has to work on every day. In this way, Hazelwood shifts the focus of her protagonist’s goals from perfection to progress. Elsie already sought perfection when she tried to be the best version of herself for others, but toward the end of the novel she begins to focus more on herself and working to become the best version of herself for herself.