Love, Theoretically

“It seemed like a winning idea. And had me wondering if I, too, could contain two—no, a whole multitude of Elsies. Each one would be crafted, custom tailored, carefully curated with a different person in mind. I’d give everyone the me they wanted, needed, craved, and in exchange they’d care about me.”

This quote summarizes Elsie’s reasoning behind her chronic people-pleasing and why she thinks it will work. Because of the concept of the duality of light that she is inspired by, Elsie thinks a different version of herself can exist simultaneously with her true self, yet she ends up erasing her own identity as she changes her personality for everyone she meets.

“It initially seemed sketchy that people would pay for a fake date in the age of Tinder and Pornhub, and that they’d pay me—unremarkable Elsie Hannaway of the medium everything. Medium height. Medium-brown hair and eyes. Medium nose, butt, feet, legs, breasts. Pretty, yeah, sure, but in a medium, nondescript way. And yet, my medium mediumness is the perfect blank slate to fill. An empty canvas to paint on. A mirror, reflecting only what others care to project.”

Elsie’s description of herself shows how little she thinks of herself and highlights how she only thinks of herself in terms of how she can change for others. The metaphorical comparison of herself to a blank slate emphasizes how much Elsie has erased herself in order to become the person others want her to be.

“‘I remember reading her paper last year. I was very impressed. Had no idea she was that junior.’ ‘Right? Makes you wonder how much of it is her mentor’s.’ A vague hum of agreement that has my hands tightening around the balls of Jack’s shoulders. None, I want to scream. It was my model. ‘She’s young and beautiful. Which means that she’ll get pregnant in a couple of years, and we’ll have to teach her courses.’”

This exchange between two MIT physics professors that is overheard by Elsie and Jack shows how misogyny is ingrained into academia and STEM. The fact that they attribute Elsie’s work to her mentor shows that they think that a young woman is incapable of coming up with the ideas she writes about. Their assumption that Elsie will have children in the following years also highlights the unrealistic expectations placed on women in academia and in the workforce more generally, as the two men both expect her to become a mother and complain about how it will impact them if she dares to have a personal life.