Lily and Dunkin

“I hold my breath, hoping that Dad understands how much this means to me. Hoping that this time will be different, that—

‘Timothy! What the hell are you doing?’

I deflate like a week-old balloon. Practicing, Dad. I’m practicing being me.” 

Lily’s dad struggles to understand his daughter and lashes out at her when she presents as female. His initial reactions suggest that he wishes Lily would just be a boy as she was born, and he experiences anger and embarrassment when she discusses or acts upon being female. Those types of reactions result in Lily’s deflation, feeling like her father doesn’t accept or love her for the person she truly is. 

“Her words ‘just the two of us’ should be happy, together words, but all I hear is the one of us who’s missing. Dad.” 

Gephart chooses to avoid providing readers any information regarding the fate of Dunkin’s dad. Dunkin reveals small snippets, making readers aware of his father’s bipolar disorder and his mother’s sadness at his absence. Though Dunkin repeatedly reveals that he is sad without his dad in Florida, Gephart uses Dunkin’s purposeful evasion of the topic of his dad, forcing himself to think of other things, to highlight the lengths to which Dunkin goes for self-protection. 

“I blink a few times, praying the right words will come. True words. But what actually happens is the real part of me closes down. Walls spring up. Doors clang shut. Mental alarms are set.” 

Gephart highlights Lily’s desire to be her true self and the barriers that exist for her to reach that goal. While there are external barriers, including the way others might treat her, one of the internal barriers she faces is the fear of rejection. When explaining to Dunkin why she was wearing a dress, she opts to tell him a lie as a means of self-protection. Using the analogy of the walls, doors, and alarms allows readers a deeper understanding of the anxiety that results when Lily considers telling Dunkin the truth. 

“How can I tell him the truth about me? The truth about where my dad is now and why we moved here. The truth about Phineas. The truth about why I have to take two different medicines every day to keep my bipolar disorder under control. How can I tell him any of it without scaring him away?”

Gephart highlights the inner turmoil Dunkin experiences with regard to being accepted. Dunkin worries that his struggles, specifically his dad’s and his own bipolar disorders, will frighten away potential friends. While his mental illness is a part of him, Dunkin believes others will reject him because of it, influencing him to try to negotiate his mental health alone. Dunkin’s insecurity that others will not like him should he be different or have flaws mirrors that of Lily, who also worries that if people know who she really is, they won’t be supportive of her.

“I remember twirling in Sarah’s old dress, and Grandpop saying, ‘You’re beautiful, sweetheart. You’re perfect.’” 

As Lily works toward becoming her true self, she has a support system in her mother and sister. When her father is not as supportive, Grandpop Bob’s simple acceptance of Lily exists in stark contrast. Grandpop Bob’s unquestioning and nonjudgmental support of Lily helps to explain Lily’s connection with him, which is what spurred her to name the banyan tree Bob and fight to save him. The memory of Grandpop Bob’s support is part of what allows Lily to accept herself and take the steps to be herself in all parts of her life. 

“That’s how we left New Jersey: broke and with Mom’s middle finger standing at attention.” 

As Dunkin’s mom sticks up her middle finger at his father’s billboard, Gephart reveals Dunkin’s awareness of his parents’ relationship. Though his father spent their savings on the billboard, upsetting his mother, she lifts her middle finger out of anger at the billboard company that refused to refund any of their money and not at his father, whom she recognized acted because of his mental illness. In this moment, Dunkin gets a glimpse of the loving acceptance his mother provided his father, specifically noting her ability to blame the disease and not hold his father’s actions against him. 

“I look at Dad bent over the newspaper, then at Dare approaching our door, and I feel like no matter what I do, I can’t win.” 

Lily wants everyone to be happy and wants to be accepted by everyone. However, in trying to serve everyone else’s needs, she often feels like she’s letting someone down. Lily struggles to figure out how to make sure Dare isn’t disappointed with her for not being herself, that her Dad isn’t angry at her for being herself or afraid that she’ll be harmed, or that she isn’t lying to anyone about her true identity. 

“‘Exactly.’ Dare nods. ‘I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s important, not only for you but for the next person.’” 

While a supportive and fiercely loyal friend, Dare has no problem being brutally honest with Lily. When Lily hesitates to be her true self, Dare is blatantly disappointed in her. Not only does Dare appeal to Lily’s sense of self-worth, but she also appeals to her sense of duty, noting that other kids might draw bravery from her ability to be Lily full-time. Including this viewpoint, Gephart makes clear the message that being brave in the face of adversity can serve as an inspiration to those who struggle in silence. 

“Most of the kids laugh a little. I do, too, because I feel like I’m one of them. And it feels good. Different.” 

Through the early parts of the novel, Gephart focuses on Dunkin’s desire to fit in. Having been ostracized in New Jersey, Dunkin revels in feeling a part of a group and not being the target of bullying. This feeling is, in part, responsible for Dunkin’s decision to reject Lily’s friendship and go off his meds to become, in his mind, better at basketball, as those decisions were made to be accepted by Vasquez and the Neanderthals, the popular jocks of the school. 

“I don’t know if Tim can tell I’m laughing, too. But I am. And I hate myself for it.” 

Dunkin’s internal struggle between wanting to be part of Vasquez’s group of friends, wishing things were different and he could be friends with Lily, and his discomfort with Vasquez’s cruelty make Dunkin a realistic and sympathetic character. While readers are likely upset at Dunkin’s rejection of Lily and his unwillingness to stand up for her against Vasquez, we are reminded of his humanity and sense of decency as he berates himself for the choices he makes. Dunkin earns redemption by the end of the novel, as he behaves with compassion, accepting and becoming true friends with Lily, and he embraces his true self. 

“I think of Vasquez calling me ‘her,’ which shouldn’t make me angry, because that’s how I define myself, too, but coming from his mouth, it sounded dirty, like something to be ashamed of.” 

One aspect of bullying that Gephart highlights is the emotional damage that someone’s cruel words might have. Though Lily identifies as female, Vasquez’s use of the word “her” in a derogatory fashion, and the disgust he imbues in that term, have an impact on her. The negative connotation that he attaches to her being female outweighs the fact that she identifies herself by the same term, and by including this aspect of Lily’s bullying, Gephart makes clear the power of words and their delivery.

“That’s what they do—dull my energy, creativity and drive. I know they do some good things, too, but I’m not sure it’s worth it.” 

As Dunkin strives to fit in, basketball becomes his obsession. He believes that if he is successful on the court, he will earn the friendship of his peers. This viewpoint highlights Dunkin’s lack of confidence, feeling that he must change himself to gain acceptance. Additionally, this pressure to conform drives Dunkin to stop taking his medication, making readers aware of the lengths teens will often go to for acceptance, even when they know their choices may contradict their best interest.  

“As the five of us try to right ourselves, I glance behind us and watch Tim and Dare and another person walk past. Safely. I smile, feeling good that I finally did one small thing. And Vasquez doesn’t even know about it.” 

When Dunkin actually acts to protect Lily, readers become aware of the change in Dunkin’s trajectory. Before this point, Dunkin looks the other way or tries to justify Vasquez’s bullying toward Lily. He has felt guilty for shunning Lily and for laughing along with Vasquez at her, and in finally doing something to help her, he feels proud. However, only later will Dunkin reach the point where he can support Lily outwardly. 

“He grabs me into the most bone-crunching hug he’s ever given me. ‘I love you so much, son.’ His words are almost perfect.” 

Lily’s dad struggles with Lily’s identity, but after the psychiatrist speaks to him about the dangers of suicide, he turns a corner and tries to be more open-minded. Though he takes small steps, such as ignoring her makeup before school, he cannot change overnight, as is made clear by his continuing use of the term “son.” However, at this point in the novel, it is far clearer to readers that Mr. McGrother loves and wishes to protect his child fiercely, regardless of that child’s gender. 

“Dad was right. I’m completely exposed and vulnerable out here. I shouldn’t be outside dressed in a mermaid costume, no matter how good and right it feels. Dad understood something I wasn’t ready to know.” 

As Lily realizes the danger she faces should Vasquez see her, Gephart provides readers with a glimpse of the true potential for violence that exists for transgender people. The fear that her father has of people reacting violently to Lily becomes real to her in this moment. In recognizing that danger, Lily questions whether she should continue pursuit of her real self, revealing another sad consequence of other people’s intolerance. 

“Some of the other guys give me the stink eye because I scored a basket for the other team in the last game, but I don’t care because this is a whole new game. I feel like Superman, Batman, and Spiderman combined into one incredible person.” 

As the effects of Dunkin’s decision to go off his medications becomes more apparent, Gephart provides insight into his mindset through his narration. Dunkin has become delusional, dismissing the behavior of others and feeling sure that his perception is accurate. Additionally, in Dunkin’s manic state, he believes himself to be superior, which fuels his frantic behavior. In other times, Gephart shows Dunkin’s mood swing to depression, revealing moments when he’s sure everyone thinks he’s terrible or everyone is out to get him.  

“Dunkin’s words come like gifts from the darkness. ‘It’s just that I never met anyone before who was transgender,’ he says. ‘Or at least I don’t think I have.’” 

When Lily reveals her secret to Dunkin, she is afraid that he will react poorly. After all, her father took some convincing, and Dunkin’s friends don’t seem like the types to accept a transgender kid. When Dunkin doesn’t judge and treats Lily normally, she feels great relief and a certain satisfaction that her feeling that Dunkin was a good guy rang true. This moment also solidifies Dunkin and Lily’s friendship, allowing them to establish trust. 

“It’s like they’re all holding me up, in a way I couldn’t hold up Bob any longer.” 

While Lily is a strong character who knows who she is and works hard to be herself, she also relies on the support of her friends and family. When she fights to keep Bob from being cut down, her father commends her for doing something she believes in even if he doesn’t agree with her, suggesting that perhaps this sentiment extends to Lily’s transition. With this knowledge, Lily feels she has the support of her entire family, and with the addition of Dunkin to her support system, Lily feels that much stronger.  

“I know Tim’s the real deal because he trusted me enough to share that secret. And he shouted when Coach was reaming me out, and gave me a thumbs-up when everyone else was booing. That’s what a real friend does—sticks by you when no one else will.

I’ll bet I could trust him with my secret. Secrets.” 

In Gephart’s examination of friendship, Lily and Dunkin solidify their relationship when they share things with one another that they have not revealed in prior interactions. Additionally, Dunkin recognizes that Lily has been on his side throughout everything, putting the fact that Vasquez and the Neanderthals would not do the same in stark relief. Dunkin’s revelation allows him to shed his concern about how the Neanderthals will react and be a supportive friend for Lily at the dance. 

“I go upstairs and take a shower. But I don’t feel clean when I’m done [...]

In bed, I feel uglier than my ugly brown comforter.

Uglier than I ever have in my life.

I can’t go back to school.

I can’t face those people.” 

In this moment, Gephart examines the shame and humiliation a victim might feel after being bullied. After Vasquez pulls down Lily’s shorts and underpants in the locker room, she feels violated. The disgust Vasquez expresses toward her physical form makes her feel ugly. In addition to being forced to feel shame about herself, she cannot imagine seeing them again. Their actions exerted such power over Lily both physically and emotionally; therefore, opening herself up to the possibility of that happening again is unbearable. In examining these emotions, Gephart helps readers understand the long-lasting consequences of both physical and verbal bullying. 

“And just like that, a door swings open in my brain. The door I’d worked so hard to keep closed since that night in New Jersey.” 

Dunkin strives to keep thoughts of his father from entering his mind as a defense mechanism. Knowing that his father committed suicide and suffered from bipolar, just like Dunkin, is a heavy burden to bear. Therefore, pushing his father’s death out of his mind and trying to be relentlessly positive serves as a way for Dunkin to pretend he hasn’t lost someone precious to him and pretend that he isn’t worried about his own future. When he finally admits to himself that his father is gone, Dunkin knows that he will move on because he is being honest with himself again, which will aid in his staying medicated and being his true self. 

“I think about Tim there and wonder if maybe Vasquez would bother him, pick on him, embarrass him in front of everyone. Maybe if I were there, too, I could protect Tim—keep that from happening.” 

In this moment, Dunkin’s kindness wins out. For much of the novel, he has ignored his feelings of compassion so that Vasquez and the Neanderthals wouldn’t ostracize him. After recognizing the value of Lily’s friendship, coming to terms with his father’s death, and finding a stable place mentally, Dunkin can be the kid he has always been inside: kind and thoughtful. 

“‘It feels like everyone’s staring at me,’ he says.

I laugh so hard I spit in my drink. ‘You?’ I ask. ‘I walked into the dance wearing a dress and makeup, Dunkin. I’m pretty sure everyone’s staring at me!’”

This quote highlights a very human moment between Lily and Dunkin in which each of them assumes they are the focus of other people’s attention. When feeling self-conscious, the default thought process is that everyone is looking at you and everyone notices whatever aspect you are most self-conscious about. Here, readers are provided with a light moment between Lily and Dunkin when they recognize this tendency in each other. The importance of the moment lies in the fact that both of them felt self-conscious about attending the dance but attended anyway, signifying immense bravery and self-acceptance.