Lights Out

Author Navessa Allen hints at a connection between the traumas that Aly and Josh have endured and their sexual interests, but Allen ultimately turns this connection toward romance, intimacy, and support. Early on, Aly thinks that “it [i]s only natural that [her] tastes [a]re starting to skew heavily toward the dark side,” citing “all the ugly shit [she]’d seen” and “[her] fucked-up teen years” (8). This connection implies that people inevitably turn to violent sexual fantasies in response to trauma, which is a stereotypical trope regarding “deviant” sexuality. Josh, too, draws a connection between his father’s crimes and his own desire to chase and dominate women. However, as the novel progresses and Aly and Josh grow closer together, they discover how their trauma has a greater impact on their romantic, interpersonal desires than their sexuality.

Aly first hints at a broader connection between trauma and desire when she acknowledges her numbness. She thinks, “I’d seen so much shit that my faith in humanity was at rock bottom, and I’d lost contact with everyone but my nursing and other first responder friend […] [which] proved that I needed something spicier to get me off” (42). The root of her dissatisfaction, though, is not sexual but social. She wants a connection with another person who can understand her and support her through her traumatic past and daily life. She later questions her trauma, wondering if she “stopped letting people in and started pushing them away” (174), which she explores with Josh. Aly’s mother’s death pushed her into nursing, and Josh’s support helps her realize, “I try to save every patient as if it might somehow make up for not saving my mom” (224). While sexuality plays a significant role in Aly and Josh’s relationship, Aly’s trauma is one source of their romantic intimacy, as Josh helps her work through her past and present struggles.

Josh also thinks of the loneliness that has been subsequent to his fear of people finding out who his father is, just as he worries that his sexuality is ultimately derived from a genetic link to his father. Like Aly, though, Josh’s trauma is not as much a source of sexual desire as it is a source of desire for intimate connection, such as acceptance of Josh and his past without judgment or fear. When Josh confesses his lingering doubts and fears to Aly, she reassures him and relates to the guilt he feels over not having been able to stop his father. In the shower, Aly assures Josh, “You know it’s not your fault, right? That you shouldn’t feel any guilt over it?” (281). Josh notes that this reassurance is not a magic spell that heals him, but the connection he builds with Aly allows him to explore his feelings and overcome his trauma. Together, Aly and Josh push forward despite their traumatic pasts, revealing how trauma—while potentially influencing sexuality—predominantly drives a desire for closeness and vulnerability as a path to healing.