Iveliz Explains It All

These pages contain the poems “Things I Now Know About Akiko: A List,” “Current Seventh-Grade Goals” “I Promise Amir I Won’t Hit Anyone,” “Payback,” “Te conozco, bacalao,” “I’m Not Crazy,” “Amir Doesn’t Ride the Bus Today,” and “Mami Is Quiet in the Car.”

Iveliz wishes Mami would listen more and talk less. When Iveliz gets in trouble at school, it’s not only because of her, and it doesn’t mean her medicine is ineffective. Iveliz claims her mental health condition is healthy. She only takes medicine because of Mami.

Iveliz makes a list about Akiko. Akiko is 13, so she’s in the eighth grade. Her mother is Japanese, and her father is German. When Akiko met Iveliz by the tree, she was crying because boys called her lunch gross and threw it out. Iveliz wants revenge, but she promised Amir that she wouldn’t hit anyone anymore, so her plan isn’t violent. Her “prank” involves putting codfish in the boys’ lockers, as codfish are “stinky.”

Iveliz watches the boys scrub their lockers with vinegar and lime. Amir realizes Iveliz is the culprit, and he’s disappointed in her. Akiko, too, dislikes Iveliz’s retaliation. On the bus, she tells Iveliz to sit somewhere else, causing Iveliz to lose control. The bus driver pulls the bus over and calls Mami.

In the car, Iveliz takes a pencil from her hair and stabs dots into her knuckles and nails. Her mother knocks away the pencil and, in Spanish, asks Iveliz what’s wrong with her. Iveliz spits on the floor, and her mother yanks her shirt and calls her “crazy.” Iveliz feels like she’s in her father’s Ford, and she can feel the glass.

These pages contain the poems “Powerless,” “Apologies,” “I Video Call Amir from My Room,” “What’s Going On, lve?” “Malentendida, an Acrostic,” “I Sit with Mimi After Dinner,” “I Used to Be Good at School, You Know,” “ISBI, II,” “Current Seventh-Grade Goals,” and “Shouldn’t *I* Get to Decide?”

Sometimes, Iveliz feels like she’s somewhere else. Dr. Turnip believes Iveliz’s feelings are “flashbacks,” and the cause is PTSD. Iveliz attributes the flashbacks to her mother—she makes them occur, and she can make them stop. Mami apologizes, but Iveliz is already “too far under.”

At home, Iveliz video chats with Amir, who recounts Iveliz’s behavior on the bus. She screamed and threw her backpack, but she didn’t physically harm Akiko or anyone else. Iveliz is so glad she could “pee” herself. Amir wants to know what’s going on, but Iveliz shrugs. She doesn’t know how to tell him about Mimi or Dad’s visits.

While Mami angrily washes the dishes, Mimi and Iveliz cuddle. Iveliz wonders if Mimi knows who she is right now, but Iveliz doesn’t truly care. What counts is the comforting “soft grandma smell” and Puerto Rican lullaby.

Iveliz used to get good grades and stickers. Teachers called her a “bright light.” Iveliz wonders what happened to her “light.” She knows people gossip about her. She thinks about whether it’s worse to be invisible or to have people watch her “fade out.”

Mami takes Iveliz back to Dr. Turnip. Iveliz doesn’t want to go and bemoans her lack of rights. Therapy made sense when Iveliz wasn’t eating or sleeping. Now, Iveliz feels “fine.”

These pages contain the poems “He Smiles When We Walk In,” “Not Now,” “Un poquito,” “Rules for Surviving Therapy,” “Three’s a Crowd?” “Gardening Class,” “Mimi’s Garden Is Magic,” and “Hide-and-Seek.”

At Dr. Turnip’s office, Iveliz notices Mami’s fake smile. Dr. Turnip asks Iveliz what’s happening in her brain. He asks if she knows why her mom called him. Iveliz believes Dr. Turnip doesn’t want to hear the truth: She thinks he just wants to hear that she’s doing fine. Dad appears, but Iveliz doesn’t want him there. She tries to send him a “mind message,” but he laughs and leans back in the chair.

Iveliz ignores her father and tells Dr. Turnip about her list of goals. He tells her not to cross off goals. She shouldn’t think of failure as permanent: She should try again.

Amir and Iveliz eat lunch under the tree. As Amir tells Iveliz that his little brother is having heart problems, Akiko approaches and scolds Iveliz for being mad at her when she didn’t do anything wrong. Akiko doesn’t like “revenge,” and she doesn’t want Iveliz to avenge her. Iveliz is “stunned,” but she smiles, and Akiko smiles.

School remains difficult for Iveliz, but gardening class is still a positive experience. Unlike other teachers, Ms. Shannon is never “angry.” The class makes her feel “planted”—like her toes could break out of her shoes and curl around the beetles and worms.

Gardening with Mimi on the balcony is wonderful until Mimi claims Iveliz’s father is here. Iveliz looks for him in Mimi’s room and her room. She starts punching the wall, and her fist turns blue.

These pages include the poems “I Tell Mami,” “I Go to Bed Without Dinner,” “Sangrando,” “Throwback Thursday,” “Ten Reminders by Iveliz Margarita Snow Medina,” “I Find Amir During Lunch,” and “I Explain a Little”

Iveliz tells Mami about Mimi and her father. In Spanish and English, Mami emphasizes that Dad isn’t here: He’s dead. Iveliz thinks about bleeding (“sangrando”) and hurting herself. She’d do it to remind herself that she’s a “real person” with blood, skin, and feelings. She can’t talk to Mami, Mimi, or Dr. Turnip, and she doesn’t want to talk to Amir. Instead, she writes in her journal—it won’t judge her.

Two years ago, during Iveliz’s “dark” period, Dr. Turnip made Iveliz write 10 positive reminders. Her list included her loving father, Amir, “it” wasn’t her fault, and hurting herself won’t solve anything.

Iveliz wonders if Amir is upset with her because Akiko interrupted him when he was talking about his little brother. Iveliz gives him some of her yellow rice, and he gives her some of his spicy okra. Eventually, Iveliz apologizes. She explains her recent struggles. She worries Mami will send her to a place for “kids who need help” (112). Amir holds Iveliz’s hand and promises to find her if her mother sends to a specialized boarding school.