If I Was Your Girl

“It had been six years since I had seen my dad. I had rehearsed this moment over and over in my mind. I would run up and hug him, and he would kiss the top of my head, and for the first time in a long time, I would feel safe.” 

Amanda thinks about this on her way to live with her dad. She’s feeling nervous because she’s drastically changed since the last time she’s seen him. Instead of going by the name Andrew, she now goes by Amanda, and her appearance has changed as well. She’s never felt like she’s had her dad’s approval, and she’s even more terrified of what he’ll think about her now. This quote addresses the theme “The Power of Family” and emphasizes Amanda’s emotions and vulnerability when it comes to her father. 

“My heart screamed that they knew, that the one with those piercing eyes was attracted to me for a moment and his friend was making fun of him for it. That was the kind of scenario that got girls like me killed.” 

When Amanda first arrives at her new high school, she and Grant are immediately attracted to each other, but her elated feelings are laced with anxiety. She’s worried that somehow Grant and his friends can see her past, and she’s afraid of the violence that could ensue if anyone finds out the truth. Russo speaks to the very real dangers that trans women face in America. 

“I remembered the days after I woke up in the hospital and realized I was still alive. I remembered having nobody to keep me company but the nurses and Mom and the television—no friends, no family, no Dad.”

Amanda’s relationship with her dad is complicated. Her parents got divorced when she was younger, and she was raised by her mother without any support from her dad. She’s always interpreted his lack of engagement as a sign that he doesn’t love her, a feeling that was solidified in her mind after he didn’t come to the hospital after her suicide attempt.