Hunger

Gay has found joy in cooking and nourishing herself through the cooking show Barefoot Contessa. The show’s host, Ina Garten, embodies the idea “that a woman can be plump and pleasant and absolutely in love with food” (217). The show helped Gay develop a healthier relationship with food, with baking in particular being a tool for developing stronger self-confidence. However, food also regularly reminds her about “my body, my lack of willpower, and my biggest flaws” (226).

Gay also links food to her complex relationship with her family. Though others assume there must be cultural significance behind Gay’s pick of Haitian recipes, “[Haitian macaroni and cheese], and most other Haitian foods, are tied up in my love for my family and a quiet, unshakable anger” (229). She feels like an outsider among her “thin, stylish, attractive” (232) family, around whom she is unable to enjoy food because eating brings judgment. When she visits her parents, her hunger is noticeable as they do not indulge nor keep snacks at home. During these visits, Gay deprives herself, giving her family the impression that she is attempting weight loss, and thus less of a “problem” for her relations.

Gay came out to her family at 19 and was involved in a series of troubled relationships shaped by her trauma.