How To Talk To Anyone

Upon meeting for the first time, people form lasting impressions through mental snapshots: “The way you look and the way you move is more than 80 percent of someone’s first impression of you” (3). These judgments are significantly influenced by appearance and movement. Through anecdotes, such as the story of a caricature artist named Robert Grossman, Lowndes demonstrates that a person’s personality is often evident in their physical presence. Grossman’s skill lies in capturing this essence in his art. Lowndes’s anecdote about a businesswoman named Karen emphasizes how she navigates different social spheres by altering her posture and mannerisms.

“The Flooding Smile” technique advises delaying one’s smile upon meeting someone. This delay is designed to make one’s smile appear more genuine, providing a strong foundation for a meaningful relationship.

Maintaining eye contact is a powerful tool in human interactions, capable of generating respect and even romantic interest. One study cited involved a controlled setting where men and women were asked to converse for two minutes. Those directed to maintain eye contact felt more fondness and respect for their conversational partners. However, cultural and gendered caveats exist. In some cultures, direct eye contact is considered rude or invasive; while women generally respond well to increased eye contact from men and women, men sometimes find intense eye contact from other men confrontational. The “Sticky Eyes” technique encourages people to “glue” their gaze, breaking it reluctantly when necessary. This method has varying implications for men and women, as men are advised to moderate the intensity of their gaze when speaking to other men. In a professional setting, eye contact can improve customer relations.

“Epoxy Eyes” is a technique for capturing someone’s attention, especially a romantic interest. The approach involves focusing one’s gaze on a target even when someone else is speaking. This divergence from normal eye contact disorients the target and sparks their interest. From a biological perspective, the technique is said to release phenylethylamine in the nervous system, a hormone associated with romantic excitement, effectively making it an “aphrodisiac.” Yet it comes with a caveat: It is effective only if a target is already attracted to the person using the technique. “Epoxy Eyes” can also be applied to professions like human resources, law, and psychology, where understanding a subject’s reaction is crucial; however, misuse can make one appear arrogant and overbearing.

“HANG BY YOUR TEETH” is a visualization technique designed to instill a winner’s posture and demeanor—those of high-wire acrobats like the Wallendas, whose lives literally depend on their physical alignment. The technique comprises imagining biting onto a circus iron-jaw bit from the doorframe while passing a door. This imaginary act pulls the head back and aligns the body into a position akin to a successful acrobat. By doing this regularly, good posture will become ingrained, allowing one to captivate a crowd.

Body language and subconscious communication are key to human interactions, as is the case for attorneys during jury selection. “The Big-Baby Pivot” suggests giving complete attention to a conversational partner. Just as infants and children seek recognition and validation, adults seek the same. Involuntary reactions, such as eyes narrowing or hands relaxing, communicate subconscious messages. In an anecdote, a woman named Carla fails to attract potential partners due to her lack of attention. “The Big-Baby Pivot” encourages treating new acquaintances as special by offering them a warm smile, full-body turn, and undivided attention. This approach is said to satisfy adults’ craving for recognition and validation.

According to the “Hello Old Friend” method, when meeting new people, one should visualize them as long-lost friends to evoke genuine warmth. This technique produces bodily reactions, like the softening of eyebrows and an inviting posture, which make one’s conversational partner feel special. Treating new acquaintances as old friends creates a warm atmosphere, a self-fulfilling prophecy of respect and understanding.

Signs of fidgeting, such as breaking eye contact or touching one’s face, can cause others to doubt one’s honesty. Helen, a successful headhunter, identifies these behaviors as signs of deceit. However, even when someone is telling the truth, emotional arousal or environmental factors like heat or dust can lead to unintentional fidgeting. For example, it affected the 1960 Nixon-Kennedy debate. With that said, it is best to “Limit the Fidget”: to refrain from extraneous movements during critical conversations where credibility is at stake.

Observation of reactions during interactions is crucial for effective communication. This is exemplified through the story of Clever Hans, a horse thought to understand arithmetic and human language. In reality, the horse picked up on subtle cues from the audience, such as slight relaxations, to stop tapping his hoof at the correct count. The principle, known as “Hans’s Horse Sense,” suggests that maintaining a dual focus while conversing—expressing oneself while observing a listener’s reactions—allows for adaptation of one’s message. By picking up on cues, one can gauge whether or not their message is being received well and adjust accordingly. This skill not only enhances communication but makes one appear more intelligent, which is valued in both social and professional circles.

Visualization is a powerful technique not just for athletes but anyone looking to enhance performance. Athletes use visualization to rehearse their moves, envisioning them before competing; however, this technique is not limited to physical activities. A study involving Richard, a marathon runner who was injured weeks before a race, exemplifies this. Although physically confined to bed, he visualized running the marathon daily, even mimicking sensory experiences like sights and sounds. Upon recovery, he completed the marathon, attributing his resilience to visualization. For optimal results, visualization needs to be practiced in a calm state to generate clear images. Doing so allows one to navigate social and professional situations more successfully.