How to Keep House While Drowning: A Gentle Approach to Cleaning and Organizing

Davis recounts her deeply personal experience of giving birth to her second child in February 2020, just weeks before the COVID-19 pandemic lockdowns began. Despite having a well-thought-out postpartum support plan, the sudden restrictions rendered her preparations futile. Her husband’s demanding job, her toddler’s limited preschool schedule, and the inability to rely on family and cleaning services due to lockdowns left her isolated and overwhelmed. Davis faced a slew of challenges, including breastfeeding difficulties, toddler meltdowns, and growing depression. Her home began to fall into disarray, which amplified her feelings of failure. She confesses to thoughts she was afraid to voice, questioning her ability to care for two children and feeling she was falling short as a mother.

In an attempt to lighten her mood, her sister introduced her to TikTok, where Davis eventually posted a humorous video about her chaotic home life. To her dismay, a comment on her video labeled her as “lazy,” a word that had haunted her due to her lifelong struggles with undiagnosed ADHD. Davis explains that this term held significant power over her, making her feel like a failure despite her efforts to manage her responsibilities under challenging circumstances.

Davis underscores that care tasks—such as cooking, cleaning, and maintaining hygiene—are far more complex than they appear. These tasks involve significant time, energy, and planning, which often requires skills and executive functioning that can be difficult for many people, especially those with mental health conditions or conditions like ADHD, depression, autism, and others. She dismantles the myth of laziness, explaining that many factors, such as executive dysfunction, trauma, chronic pain, and lack of support, contribute to difficulties in completing care tasks.

For instance, the simple act of feeding oneself involves understanding nutritional needs, planning and executing a shopping trip, preparing meals, and maintaining regular mealtimes. These steps require emotional and physical energy, as well as skills in multitasking and dealing with potential barriers, such as lack of appetite or anxiety related to food preparation. Cleaning is another multifaceted task requiring executive functioning to prioritize and remember various chores, familiarity with cleaning products, and the physical and emotional energy to carry out these tasks consistently.

Davis also touches on the broader societal expectations that often contribute to the shame and guilt people feel when they struggle with care tasks. She explains that these feelings can create a vicious cycle, where the shame of not being able to maintain a clean home leads to further mental health decline and a lack of motivation. This cycle is often exacerbated by critical comments from others, which reinforce the belief that struggling with household tasks is a moral failing.

In her professional experience as a therapist, Davis has seen many clients grappling with these issues and has come to believe that what is often labeled as “laziness” is, in fact, a result of various barriers and functional difficulties. She asserts, “I do not think laziness exists. You know what does exist? Executive dysfunction, procrastination, feeling overwhelmed, perfectionism, trauma, amotivation, chronic pain, energy fatigue, depression, lack of skills, lack of support, and differing priorities” (5).

Davis offers a paradigm shift in how we view our relationship with our living spaces. She emphasizes that our worth is not tied to the cleanliness of our homes. Instead, she advocates for a compassionate approach to self-care and household management. Her philosophy is encapsulated in the notion that, “you don’t exist to serve your space; your space exists to serve you” (7). This perspective helps shift care tasks from being seen as moral obligations to functional errands, allowing for changes to be made with minimal effort and a foundation of self-compassion rather than self-loathing.

Reflecting on her own experience, Davis recounts how she spent years tying her self-worth to how well she managed her home and presented herself to others. She describes a pattern of seeking validation through various roles and achievements, only to find that these did not lead to genuine self-worth. The isolation during the pandemic provided an opportunity for her to reassess her relationship with her space and her self-worth. Davis realized that striving for a perfectly organized and clean home was not the path to feeling worthy of kindness and love.

She highlights the difference between a journey of worthiness and a journey of care. Trying to achieve a pristine home in the belief that it will make one worthy of love and acceptance often leads to feelings of inadequacy and failure. Instead, Davis encourages readers to focus on self-care and building a functional home that meets their needs. She provides practical tips for managing household tasks without overwhelming routines, emphasizing self-compassion and realistic expectations.

Davis’s book aims to help readers create a functional home by addressing their specific needs and barriers. She offers strategies for cleaning when overwhelmed, finding motivation when it feels impossible, organizing without feeling stressed, and completing tasks like dishes and laundry on difficult days. Her approach is gentle, encouraging readers to move slowly, quietly, and gently, reminding them that they are already worthy of love and belonging, regardless of the state of their home.