Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be

Parents often view rudeness and defiance as disrespectful; however, these behaviors indicate dysregulation for a child who is having a big, intense feeling. When met with a negative reaction from the parents, the child only feels more misunderstood and alone, which further exacerbates their big feeling. Parents must learn to separate the underdeveloped regulatory processes in their child from the normal feelings underneath. Not punishing a child for rudeness or defiance does not encourage the behavior; rather, meeting rudeness with empathy inspires them to be kind in return.

When children express rudeness or defiance, a strategy is to not take the bait. Parents can instead set a boundary around the behavior, such as stating that one won’t let the child speak or behave a certain way, while simultaneously applying the most generous interpretation of the child’s underlying feelings. A parent can embody authority via movement, such as moving a child away if they are being physically unsafe or hurtful, but without punishing the child or scaring them. One can even sublimate or redirect defiant behavior, such as suggesting a child jump outdoors instead of on the couch.

When setting a rule that a parent knows a child will not like, Dr.