Gender Queer: A Memoir

Gender Queer is a 2019 autobiographical graphic novel that documents Maia Kobabe’s journey to understand eir gender and sexuality growing up. (Kobabe uses e/em/eir pronouns; see the Index of Terms for more on Spivak pronouns.) Eir story is told in small vignettes that follow a chronological trajectory, starting from moving into a new house at the age of three and ending in the present day, where Kobabe teaches comic composition to high schoolers. Kobabe is nonbinary and struggles with understanding eir place while growing up in a world that only accounts for men and women. Kobabe struggles with social cues surrounding eir assigned gender and its unspoken expectations. E is also aromantic and asexual, and struggles with these feelings due to a lack of role models and information on the subject. Kobabe’s journey illustrates the experience of growing up with an LGTBQ+ identity while lacking the language and knowledge to make sense of one’s experiences. Gender Queer deals with themes such as Gendered Social Cues, Self-Discovery, and Family and Acceptance.

The memoir received an Alex Award in 2020, which is given by the American Library Association for adult books that are deemed important or appealing to adolescents and young adults. According to The New York Times, Gender Queer was the most banned book in the United States in 2021 (Harris, Elizabeth A., and Alexandra Alter. “Book Banning Efforts Surged in 2021. These Titles Were the Most Targeted.” The New York Times, 4 Apr. 2022). The list of banned books in 2021 disproportionately included works that deal with LGBTQ+ themes.

This study guide refers to the Deluxe Edition ebook version. Pagination may vary slightly depending on your device.

Content Warning: Gender Queer contains the following and may be upsetting for some readers: anti-LGBTQ+ discrimination, transphobia, misgendering, gender dysphoria, graphical depictions of sex and masturbation, menstruation, and gynecological visits.

Summary

This guide divides Gender Queer into five sections, each comprising about 50 pages and containing a distinct selection of themes and issues from Kobabe’s life.

Section 1 (Pages 16-59) covers Kobabe’s earliest memories up to eir enrollment in eir high school’s queer-straight alliance. E does not feel the constraints of eir assigned gender at birth before entering school and is free to run wild and catch snakes. Kobabe is frustrated by the gendered expectations e experiences upon entering school. E cannot play with boys alongside eir friend Galen because the boys inform em that “girls have cooties” (22). E also feels ashamed for taking eir shirt off in public as eir dad does. Kobabe struggles with developmental milestones concerning reading. E begins menstruating and uses eir favorite book character, Alanna the Lioness, to contextualize eir periods. E experiences severe dysphoria surrounding eir period and attempts to hide it. Puberty brings many other difficulties for Kobabe, like the double standard around shaving body hair and the discomfort of breast development. Kobabe crushes on both girls and boys, and eir strongest crush is on a butch, punk girl, which results in Kobabe’s friends calling em a lesbian. Finally, Kobabe enters high school and gains the courage to join a queer-straight alliance.

Section 2 (Pages 60-107) follows Kobabe through the end of high school into college. Kobabe discovers David Bowie’s music while trying to impress eir butch, punk crush. Bowie’s music resonates deeply with em and eir queer experiences (60-64). Kobabe realizes that e wishes e was born with a penis. E also realizes e is asexual. These experiences frustrate e and complicate eir feelings about gender and sexuality. E did not know as a child about the “third option” of being neither a man nor a woman, so e fumbles in the dark and begins seeking out books with LGBTQ+ themes in high school. Kobabe has dysphoria surrounding haircuts; e wants a masculine cut like a boy might get and instead gets an explicitly feminine bob from the hairstylist. Eir mom and eir sister, Phoebe, begin cutting eir hair. Kobabe falls in love with theater in high school and Oscar Wilde’s work. E comes out to eir mom as bisexual, and eir mom strongly supports em. E is cast in male roles by a drama club in college and feels gender euphoria when e binds on stage. E is ignorant of proper ways of binding offstage and begins to feel increasing chest-based dysphoria.

Section 3 (Pages 108-155) shows Kobabe graduating from college, entering graduate school, and discussing eir genderqueer feelings with eir mom. Kobabe works in eir school library in a work-study program. Kobabe feels comfortable coming out to eir coworkers, likely due to working with two openly gay men. A woman named Autumn has a crush on Kobabe, but Kobabe doesn’t feel ready to date and doesn’t like the implications of physical intimacy that come with dating. E tells Autumn they cannot date. Kobabe explores eir queer identities through fanfiction and Halloween costumes, and LGBTQ+-themed fanfiction forms the center of many of eir friendships. E idolizes figure skater Johnny Weir and dresses as him for Halloween with Phoebe’s help. This gives Kobabe immense gender euphoria and allows em to explain eir gender presentation through the metaphor of balancing a scale between masculinity and femininity. Kobabe has eir first traumatizing visit to a gynecologist for a routine pap smear shortly after Halloween. Kobabe comes out to eir mom about eir gender identity, and eir mom cannot quite accept these feelings. She is appalled by Kobabe’s lack of desire for children and dysphoric perception of eir body.

Section 4 (Pages 156-196) begins with Kobabe’s second year of graduate school and ends with em discovering the pronouns e uses now. E joins the One Direction fandom in eir final year of graduate school and begins writing One Direction fanfiction. A lack of dating experience leaves Kobabe unable to finish a story, so e decides to try dating via Tinder. E meets Z through Tinder, and the two begin dating. Sex and intimacy are not what Kobabe expected and so e breaks up with Z. Afterward, Kobabe begins meeting trans people for the first time. Phoebe begins dating a transgender man named Amila Cooray, who is the first person Kobabe sees taking hormone replacement therapy. E also meets Melanie Gillman, who teaches one of eir classes. Melanie uses they/them pronouns and is Kobabe’s first exposure to pronouns outside of he/him and she/her. E realizes that e can be child-free and that e can buy underwear that gives em gender euphoria. While questioning the specifics of eir own gender identity and pronouns, e reconnects with Jaina Bee in 2015 (whom e previously met in 2003) and learns Jaina uses e/em/eir pronouns. Kobabe feels an instant connection with the pronouns.

Section 5 (Pages 197-244) shows Kobabe growing and becoming the self-confident person who lives out and proudly today. In the winter of 2016, Kobabe is playing board games with eir cousin Michael and aunt Shari when e decides to come out. Shari has anti-transgender opinions that require a long and taxing conversation for Kobabe to change. Kobabe begins doubting emself and reads the book Touching a Nerve. Kobabe learns from the book that bodies develop sexual characteristics in asymmetrical ways that don’t always make a person uniform in sexual development, which offers a possible biological explanation for Kobabe’s identity. Kobabe struggles to correct people on eir pronouns and assert eir identity, including eir family. As Kobabe becomes self-confident in eir identity, e attends marches for trans rights and diversifies eir wardrobe. The memoir ends with Kobabe teaching high schoolers about comics. Kobabe, at first, is silent about eir identity and allows both faculty and students to misgender em. E is worried about the repercussions from eir parents if e is too vocal about eir identity. E wishes that e had a role model like emself to look up to in high school and vows to not hide eir identity from eir students any longer.