Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict Into Connection

An approach emotion motivates engagement and connection rather than withdrawal. According to neuroscientist Richard Davidson’s research cited in Fight Right, these emotions activate the left frontal region of the brain and include feelings like curiosity, joy, interest, and, notably, anger. The Gottmans emphasize that categorizing anger as an approach emotion helps reframe it as potentially constructive in relationships, as it can drive partners to address issues and seek resolution rather than avoid problems.

An avoidant conflict style describes partners who typically bypass disagreements to maintain peace. The Gottmans identify two types of avoidant couples: those who never discuss points of contention and those who acknowledge differences but move on without resolution. Avoidant couples may maintain stable relationships but risk becoming emotionally isolated from each other over time. This style often develops from past experiences in which conflict led to severe negative consequences.

A bid for connection refers to any attempt that a partner makes to get attention, acknowledgment, or emotional connection from their partner. These bids can take many forms, from obvious requests like showing a partner something on a phone to subtle gestures like sighing or making eye contact. According to the Gottmans’ research, partners can respond to bids in three ways: turning toward (responding positively), turning away (ignoring), or turning against (responding negatively).