Everything Happens for a Reason: And Other Lies I've Loved

Continuing to tie the story of her cancer to the church calendar, Bowler talks about the season of Lent and Good Friday. As a church historian, she relates these ecclesial dates to the crucifixion and death of Jesus on Good Friday, with Lent traditionally observed as the season during which the faithful reflect upon Jesus’s death.

Bowler discusses the fact that she has acquired a great deal of rage, which she expresses through her new habit of cursing. Rather than giving something up for Lent, as is the custom, Bowler writes that she will stop swearing when Lent is over. After Lent, however, the rage is still present as she thinks about what she is going through.

Reflecting back on her research prior to her cancer diagnosis, she describes traveling to different churches to observe the Lenten season and, in particular, Ash Wednesday. On one occasion, Bowler feels irritated when she finds she is observing Ash Wednesday at a very happy Catholic church. Ironically, she had anticipated this congregation—as a Catholic fellowship—would be a place where people felt genuinely guilty over the death of Christ: “I have always loudly proclaimed that Catholics, of all God's children, are wonderful at being sad” (128). To her surprise, she discovers that the priest is very happy-go-lucky as he gives a cheerful sermon and then blithely administers ashes to the foreheads of those who come forward.

Bowler describes having gone to Houston, a hub of the prosperity gospel, prior to Easter to search for a church that observed a Good Friday service. The only prosperity congregation with such an observance she finds is Joel Osteen’s Lakewood Church. It meets in a giant civic center where the Houston Rockets basketball team formerly played. The ushers who tell her how to get from the parking deck to the worship service area all chirp, “Happy Good Friday,” (130) which Bowler finds absurd. She notes that the title “Good Friday” itself is something of a misnomer since it refers to the day of the crucifixion. The “goodness” of the day is a reference to the sacrifice made by Jesus.

In the arena where the service takes place, Bowler notes that the first three hymns all refer to the sacrifice of Christ, as is traditionally appropriate. Then the worship leader, Victoria Osteen, the wife of the pastor, comes on. She immediately abandons the theme of Jesus’s death and launches into post-Easter references to the risen Jesus. Bowler describes other prosperity gospel individuals she has heard who criticize those who are not adherents and, in particular, people who are dying.

As she draws the chapter to a close, Bowler introduces her neighbor Ray, a pediatric oncologist who deals continuously with parents whose children have serious types of cancer. She recognizes Ray as someone who is completely honest and does not hesitate to speak the truth. She expresses the idea that doctors, when speaking to extremely ill patients, never start with the truth. In contrast, Ray, she notes, always does. Bowler describes the moment when Ray sits down with her and her parents after she first comes home from the hospital. He speaks to them in such a way that it creates hope for her parents. Bowler says she has contracted with him such that, when she is no longer able or willing to continue the struggle, he will oversee her treatment in the final days.

Bowler continues to compare her life and cancer treatment to the church calendar by describing having moved beyond Easter into that part of the church year called ordinary time—the lengthy period when nothing important happens until Advent in winter. She describes having serious conversations with her oncologist, whom she has come to know well enough that she brings him treats to eat as they discuss her survival. The prevailing question is whether or not it is necessary to continue to take chemotherapy or should she rely strictly on immunotherapy.

Bowler quotes her conversations with friends, from whom she continues to learn little truths about living. She struggles with whether she should continue thinking about the end of her life, or if she should simply focus on living daily. With Toban, she decides they need to look ahead and make some plans. However, they don’t know if they should plan things for the next season or for five years. She watches her son and husband and tries to think of what she wishes for them in the coming age. For Zach, she wishes compassion. For Toban, she wishes joy. She asks: “How can I ask a man who might lose his wife, the mother of his son, and his best friend since middle school to feel something close to joy” (164). Along with a friend, she undertakes a life improvement course. Their participation is comedic when considering the gravity of what she is facing and the relatively inconsequential suggestions made by the course.

She remembers her friend Frank telling her immediately after her cancer diagnosis not to think about the end of things, rather to focus on what is happening at the moment. This is what she has decided to do: She will try to focus on the present, even though she continues to think about what is down the road just a short way. She has recognized that she is going to die, but she’s not going to die today.

Bowler has endured the well-intended faux pas and terrible expressions of people who should have known better. Bowler lists things that those who are having especially difficult times do not want to hear, such as “everything happens for a reason” or trying to identify a cause for someone’s hardship (170). There are eight entries.

Having made a list of terrible things that people should avoid saying, Bowler lists six possible positive ways to approach someone who is undergoing a very difficult time in their lives. A key one is being present for the person in distress.