Does My Head Look Big In This?

“I can’t stop thinking about Hidaya and I feel sick with longing for my friends and teachers. Sick with longing for a school where you learnt what every other student in any other Melbourne school learnt but you could also pray and fast and wear a hijab and get on with being a teenager without having to answer questions or defend yourself against news headlines.” 

Hidaya was a place where Amal’s religion was accepted as a given, and the school felt like a safe haven. However, as a good Muslim, she should wear the proof of her religious belief everywhere, and this puts a young girl at a disadvantage, exposing her to the non-Muslim perceptions of her religion. That she feels “sick with longing,” shows how strong the reaction against her might be in her new school. 

“But as I browse through the shops I realize how uncomfortable and irrational I’m acting because it feels like most people really couldn’t care less. I mean, sure there’s staring, but it’s not enough to rate in my fears list. There are the occasional goggle-eyes but most people give me the once-over top to bottom, which I can deal with. I’m just one more late-night shopper, one more person to bump shoulders with, negotiate a crowded queue with.” 

Here Amal experiences for the first time the reality of her decision: wearing the hijab in public, in a shopping mall. She acts “uncomfortable and irrational” because she has expected the reaction of the people to be much more negative and vocal, which stems from fear and experiences of other people of her religion. She does not mind the staring and “once-overs,” as she has always experienced that coming from a traditional family (her mother wears the hijab). As a teenager, she sometimes thinks dramatically, and the reality in this instance proves her wrong.

“I loved it. I loved the intimacy of it, that you knew everybody’s name and history. That you knew the teachers felt it was more than a job. That you could feel they lived and breathed the idea of making the school as big as their dreams. That it didn’t matter that you didn’t have gyms and courtyards and pools and horse-riding and tennis courts. All that mattered was how hard you studied […] and your friendships.” 

In this quote, Amal compares her old school with the new, big, and expensive private school that her parents have decided she should attend (McCleans). By listing the advantages of Hidaya, she implicitly states the disadvantages of McCleans: It is impersonal and too large. Teachers work there for other reasons than just for the love of sharing knowledge and creating a community of learners, and the rich school grounds cannot make up for the charm and feeling of personal involvement. The author creates an implied contrast, by focusing her emphasis on what Amal “loved” in the former school, as opposed to the new one. 

“Amal, I hope you appreciate that this is something…rather novel. I respect your decision and your right to practise your faith, but you do look different now, dear. I don’t want you to interpret this incorrectly but I hope you realize that I am going out of my way to accommodate you. I’m sure that there are grammar schools in Australia which would forbid you from wearing the hijab because of strict uniform codes.”

Principal Walsh’s reaction to Amal’s scarf shows us three things: firstly, that she is uncomfortable with the idea of the external show of somebody’s religious practice (Amal looks “different”), because the majority of students in the school are Christians and she fears their response. Secondly, the principal is attempting to “accommodate” Amal and respect her decision, even if she does not agree with such displays of faith (especially as they have, for non-Muslims, come to represent a religion and often the idea of religious fundamentalism). Thirdly, Ms. Walsh wants to demonstrate just how progressive she as the principal and the school are for allowing Amal to wear the hijab, by emphasizing there are many schools that would forbid her to wear it.

“‘But you know I can’t in Islam. You know the whole thing about no sex and physical intimacy before marriage.’

‘Yeah, we know, you’ve told us,’ Simone says.

‘And it’s not just in Islam, you know,’ I say. ‘Christianity, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism.’

‘OK, we get it,’ Eileen groans. ‘You’ve told us before. You don’t have to keep on trying to prove yourself against other religions for some sort of legitimacy. Sheez.’” 

Most religions in their traditional form are conservative, and the notion of sexual intimacy is widely forbidden before the sacred rite of marriage, because it represents the loss of innocence and the committing of the original sin. Amal is trying to defend her religious belief by comparing the attitude to intimacy with other major religions, wanting to show that the Islamic faith is not backward or unique in this, because many people tend to think so. Her friends’ reaction tells us that Amal often feels she needs to defend her faith, and this is because in modern society Islam has gained the reputation of being more restrictive and dictatorial than other religions. The truth is that every belief can be dictatorial, if it takes an ultra-conservative form.

“But try to expand your mind and think about things from other people’s perspectives. Everything is relative. If you want to understand a problem you look at its cause. You don’t look at its manifestation […] Sometimes, Amal, people are paralysed by their traditions and customs. It’s all they know, so you can’t judge them for following and believing what they know.”

Amal’s mother is sharing with Amal the mature, educated adult’s perspective on the matter of Leila’s mother and her actions. Gulchin reacts not because of her religion, but because of the ancient and outdated patriarchal traditions of her home country (Turkey). What she believes to be the right way is not the way that Islamic faith preaches, but the society in which men are dominant and powerful, and women accept their subservient place in the home, as wives and mothers. This is “all she knows,” therefore Amal should try to understand her point of view, because Gulchin does not have any other means of knowing differently.

“And what makes me freak out the most is that everything I do which she goes crazy about, she brings back to her backward interpretation of Islam. You want career—you bad Muslim girl! You no want to marry—how you be good wife? You wear hijab, but you talk to boys at school. She thinks being a lawyer is an evil, twisted ambition. Thinks I want to make money from lying.” 

This quote is the continuation of the ideas presented in the previous one: what Leila’s mother believes to be the Muslim way is her “backward interpretation” of it—this is what her family has taught her to believe, and because she married young and uneducated, this is the only thing she understands. Traditional patriarchal society teaches women that they serve the purpose of pleasing men, and assuming the household roles, including getting married, having children, and raising them in the same way their families raised them. The author contrasts the example of Amal’s parents, who are a modern Muslim couple: They are both religious, but they are equal in marriage, they both work, and they allow Amal to develop her own ideas and interests. This contrast shows us that it is not the religion that makes people behave dictatorially, but the customs and upbringing.

“I guess Samantha didn’t hear Uncle Joe telling me that he thinks that I’ve got no hope of a future if I continue to wear the hijab. According to his theory, in today’s climate Muslims are better off retreating and concealing their identity not only because they need to assimilate but also to get ahead in society.

Boy does that give me the creepy crawlies. OK, I know I said that I had it in me to ‘survive’ but when an adult questions your ability you suddenly get butterflies. Is Uncle Joe right?”

Uncle Joe, as opposed to Amal’s parents, chooses to do all he can to blend within Australian society (which is, by definition, comprised of many diverse national identities). His advice to Amal comes from his belief that the hijab is an unwelcome reminder for the majority of people that the person is Muslim, because the majority has come to believe that all Muslims are backward and fundamentalist. There is truth is Uncle Joe’s perception, because in today’s globalized culture, assimilation offers an opportunity to become a part of a society more easily (to “get ahead”). This shakes Amal’s determination to express her faith, because it is only one more example of people trying to talk her out of it, and Uncle Joe is a close family member. The scene shows how difficult Amal’s decision is and how strong she has to be to hold on to it.

“I’d been dabbling into different faiths for a while before that and my rejection of Christianity had already hurt them deeply. My parents are very staunch, decent, upright Christians. But I was rebelling. I couldn’t understand how my parents could be so pious and yet be so racist. Africans, Asians, Arabs, Jews, anybody not of Anglo blood was, in their eyes, inferior. It was an unconscious prejudice but it infuriated me.”

Yasmeen’s mother, Cassandra, shows us in this quote the side of Christianity that the majority often fails to see, and in showing it, she reveals that there is not much difference in fundamentalism in any religion, Christian, Islamic, or other. She rebels within her own family against the same things that many Christians believe the Muslims represent: the hypocrisy in religion that says one can be God-fearing and still hate other nations, or that one can be religious and still feel other people are inferior and not equal in God’s eyes. This “unconscious prejudice” reminds us of Leila’s mother and her unquestioned beliefs, showing that there is not much difference in members of any religion if their culture brings them up to behave in a certain manner. The social and cultural context mostly forms people, and not the religion itself. 

“As I look from Cassandra to Yasmeen to Omar, who has been absorbed in his PlayStation and hasn’t said one word, I can’t help but wonder how odd it is that some people think there is a ‘Muslim appearance’. When I first started at McCleans Grammar, I remember one of the teachers did a double-take when she saw my name on the roll: ‘But you’ve got fair hair and coloured eyes!’”

This quote reminds us that we often develop “unconscious prejudice” ourselves. Amal rightly questions the idea that there is a “Muslim appearance,” even though many people connect being Muslim to the Middle East and a certain (darker) color of skin. The author contrasts Amal’s own appearance with the predominant belief in what a person of Islamic faith looks like. This authorial choice is significant because it allows us to understand that many ideas we have about various religions different to our own come from historical, cultural, and sociological sources, and often express bias that stems from ignorance. The author is telling us we should be more open and observant.

And I especially love Sydney Road trams. Watching the street life with the old women with their baggy pantyhose and heaving breasts, clutching their trolley bags filled with discount plastic figurines and two-for-the-price-of-one sock sales. The eyebrow rings, the hijabs, the nuns, the three-piece suits worn by ancient men, the gossiping school kids, the pokie addicts, the families dragging wailing children behind them, laughing kids pressing pedestrian lights and running away.” 

The scene of riding the tram gives the author the opportunity to depict the Australian culture in all its richness and cultural diversity. Christian nuns sit next to Muslim women, young girls with piercings next to old men in outmoded suits, children next to “pokie addicts” (people addicted to playing poker and slot machines). Such a place should be accommodating to all kinds of difference, and it mostly is (and the tram-riding scene supports this), but as the novel shows, often people’s prejudices prevent them from enjoying the richness and benefits of such a diverse culture.

“‘It’s not an excuse! I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just, it’s obvious. You judge people on experience.’

‘Get out of here, Adam! You don’t judge people. We’re not a plural, or some big bloc, all acting and feeling and saying the same things. You judge individuals. Anyway, it goes both ways.’” 

Adam’s attempt to justify Tia’s reactions to Amal through the fact that Amal is the first Muslim she has ever properly met causes Amal’s anger; for her whole life, other people have judged her and her family based on generalities of their faith and their appearance, without taking into account their individual, personal characteristics. This is why Amal is aware of the dangers that broad generalizations pose to human understanding, and why she attempts to explain to Adam that a group of people, whatever their commonalities, can never “act and feel and say the same things.” An important message in the novel, Amal’s argument speaks for the need to regard people primarily as individuals, trying to put cultural prejudices aside. 

“Mum’s following her own customs more than Islam. She doesn’t really have an in-depth understanding about the religion, you know? Whereas my relatives in Turkey are all educated about Islam. The girls pray and some of them wear the veil and they go to university and work, because they know that it’s their right to do that in Islam. Mum’s more into following social customs.” 

Another significant quote describing Leila’s mother and her behavior, which is based more on “following social custom,” than understanding or knowing her own religion. Since she has left her native Turkey a long time ago, times have moved on in her country of origin, but her ideas are still the ones she has soaked up from her ancestors. This is why Leila’s relatives in Turkey are “educated about Islam,” and her mother is stuck in a time that has long passed, and finds it hard to adapt to the changing attitudes, because she sees them as a threat to everything she knows. 

A voice on the early-morning talkback shouts words of outrage about ‘Muslims being violent’, and how ‘they’re all trouble’, and how ‘Australians are under threat of being attacked by these Koran-wielding people who want to sabotage our way of life and our values’. My face goes bright red, and my stomach turns as the bus driver eyeballs me through the reflection of the mirror, looking at me as though I am a living proof of everything being said.” 

Even though Amal is a respectable, educated, self-aware young woman, she cannot escape the complex feelings of shame and guilt. They arise because of two things: acts of religious zealotry by certain groups of Muslim fundamentalists, and the people’s perception that as a hijab-wearing girl she must in some way represent those extremists, even though they have almost nothing in common with her life and the way she and her family practice their religion. “Koran-wielding people,” “violent Muslims,” and “all trouble” are messages propagated by the media, and in this scene, through the look the driver of the bus gives Amal, we understand that with many people, just because of her hijab she will become “the living proof” of the worst of reputations. 

“‘We live in Australia,’ he’d say. ‘So we should assimilate and act like Australians. How can we be accepted and fit in if we’re still thinking about Palestine and talking Arabic? Multiculturalism is a joke. We need to mix more. Make friends outside our own community. Look at my family. We’re not stuck in Palestinian or Egyptian or Turkish ghettos. We’re part of the wider community. Our friends, our colleagues, they’re all average Australians, not wogs.’”

Uncle Joe says that “multiculturalism is a joke,” which robs both his family and Amal’s of the right to be different and still be part of the community. His idea that to belong one must blend in is present in all cultures, and is sometimes dangerous because human beings are different on many levels, from the individual to the collective, and these differences should find a place in every culture, without prejudice. He calls immigrants “wogs,” which is a negative term, because he desperately wants to fit in and not be one of those “wogs.” He rejects his history and culture because he is too weak to make up his own identity of both being Palestinian and Australian. This puts Amal’s courage to be herself in a defined light.

“But what he said was so true. Mum and Dad probably won’t tell him off. Mum has this almost reverential fear of him. Her first child. Her only son. I know she cries about what he does and I’ve heard her and Dad talking about how to control him and pull him into line, but they won’t do anything about it.” 

This quote speaks of the dangers of patriarchy, where parents, often unconsciously, allow male children to grow up selfish and concerned only for their own wishes, because they know that they will always be privileged. In contrast, female children receive messages from family and society that they must be obedient and silent, because those characteristics society appreciates in women. Leila’s mother despairs over her son’s behavior, but she will do nothing to correct it, because she, as a woman, has internalized the belief that men are more important than women, because this is what her ancestors taught her, and this is the only way she has known to behave.

“No talking to anybody. We no speak ze English. We using hand to talk and zey laugh. In Greece, we talk. We hug. We know everyone. Here, we know nozing. No one. When we arrive we live in small house and my husband he work in factory. He work, work, work. I alone at home all day. No speak ze English. No speak to people. Only house and clean and cook. No friend. No family. I cry all time. I cook, I cry. I wash, I cry. He leave work, I cry. He come home, I cry.” 

Mrs. Vaselli emphasizes the various experiences of immigrants in Australia. By presenting the character’s speech in broken English, the author gives us a direct experience of what it feels like for this woman who has spent most of her life trying to be understood by people who do not speak her language. When she says, “in Greece, we talk. We hug,” she implies more than just the difference in culture: She also reminds us that because of the language and culture barrier, she misses the human warmth and intimacy that one has in the home. Living a long life without friends and family, she spends most of her time sad and crying. Through this speech we start to understand better why she is so reluctant to let Amal into her life—she has almost forgotten what it means to be a part of a community. 

“Look, I’m not some whining conspiracy theory victim who blames red traffic lights and rainy days when you forget your umbrella on ‘prejudice’. But you hear stories, you know? Friends who get top marks in university and then when they get up in front of an interview panel they find the interviewers choking on their bottled water because the candidate is wearing hijab.” 

Amal’s fears about her prospects as a hijab-wearing Muslim appear several times in the novel, and they signify the nature of the decision she makes when she decides to wear the scarf. It is not just the question of whether people will stare at her, or judge her now, but also of what she can expect in the future when she goes to college or starts her professional career. Because she is a true believer, for her the decision has to be permanent, and she will not wear the hijab only when it is safe. This quote shows that her fears and doubts are not a matter of cultural paranoia, but a real fear of other people’s prejudices. The consideration of her prospects here makes her decision even braver.

“Why is it that when I believe in something different, I’m the one apparently judging you? What about you judging me? Why is it so bloody offensive that there are people out there who don’t do the whole sex thing before they get married? Or who don’t do the whole physical thing? Who gives a shit? Isn’t it my business? Or is that just too weird to accept? I’m obviously a bitchy love-me-do because I’m different. Yeah, great logic there, Adam.” 

Adam’s inability to understand Amal’s position leads him to lash out and act as if she has offended his morality. In this quote, Amal shows her argumentative skills by showing him the false logic of his idea that she is judging him, when it is the other way round. Amal believes in her right to choose and in her freedom to be who she wants to be, and through her speech, she condemns the societal customs that label her belief in chastity as “offensive.” Just because she does not behave as the norm suggests, or as most people behave, should not mark her as “bitchy” or taking the morally superior attitude. 

“‘Maybe it was a mistake, this hijab,’ my father sighs.

‘Don’t be absurd!’ my mum shouts. ‘With or without it she’s still an outsider to them. I’m sick of it! I’m sick of the whole thing! She’s only sixteen and she has to go through this. What do they want from us?’

‘Don’t yell. She’ll hear you.’

‘Hear me? She doesn’t need me to tell her. She lives it every day!’” 

When Amal’s mother breaks down, it signals a wider problem within society that even Amal cannot grasp as a young person. When her mother poses the rhetorical question, “What do they want from us?”, it contains a lifetime of trying to fulfill external expectations while at the same time making sure not to offend other people’s sensitivities. However, Amal (and by implication, her family and other Muslims) will always be an “outsider,” a person never fully integrated in the society and therefore condemned to forever striving to fulfill other people’s positive expectations, while in fear of confirming the negative ones. Amal’s mother sees Amal’s father’s suggestion that Amal should stop wearing the hijab as pointless, because the hijab is only a visible symbol of everything else that Amal “lives every day” by being of different faith.

“Why do I have to deal with this? I feel like my head is permanently stuck inside an oven. Every time something happens in the world, and the politicians start barking out about Islamic terrorists and the journalists start their flashing headlines, it’s as though they’re turning up the oven heat dial. My head starts to roast and burn and I need air, coolness, somebody to keep me from exploding.” 

This quote fits well with the previous one, as we now have Amal’s perspective on the same questions her mother has raised. Amal’s head is “stuck in an oven” because she is under constant pressure from a society to which she ostensibly belongs. The simile is effective because it is a vivid description of the rising dread and the constant stress her choices create through the fact that they seem to reflect the worldwide perception of Muslims. The politicians “bark” about terrorism, and the headlines “flash,” and Amal’s head “roasts”: all strong and descriptive metaphoric verbs that underline a person’s struggle to remain herself in a world that shows no mercy.

“Maybe he feels betrayed by me. I just thought we were becoming closer friends. But if he did sense that I had the hots for him and that I was sending out signals that I wanted to be with him then I feel like a hypocrite. I would have been playing with his mind. I would have been betraying my own faith too, because belief means nothing without action.” 

Amal shows remarkable maturity in contemplating how her relationship with Adam might have deteriorated. By questioning her own behavior, she shows that she is self-aware and self-critical, which are characteristics that mark her as a psychologically well-developed young woman. Perhaps it is the hardship of living as an outsider that causes her to be so self-examining and analytical, because Amal knows what it means to be misunderstood and mistreated, and she is wary of doing the same to others.

“I sit down on the couch confused. I’ve never understood Leila’s mum and I’ve never wanted to. I always thought she resented Leila. All she did was yell and scream and criticize her. But tonight she didn’t even challenge me when I insulted her. And what’s even more staggering is that she’s actually compromising. Never in a million years could I have imagined her backing down.” 

This quote connects with the previous one in that it shows Amal’s ability to question her behavior and her reactions critically, and determine whether she has made a mistake in relating to someone. In literary terms, the author shows us how the arc of Amal’s character develops towards the well-rounded person that she will become by the end of the book, sure of her choices and her beliefs, despite the difficulties and temptations. Amal understands Leila’s mother for the first time as a woman who is trying to overcome her own limitations and fight against the pressure of her own culture, and aside from feeling empathy, we understand that there are similarities between their journeys.