40 pages • 1 hour read
Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
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Themes
The Importance of Effective Communication
The need for effective communication in life—especially when dealing with difficult people or circumstances—is something often desired and assumed, but rarely explored. As the book argues, we come to conversations with a host of assumptions and preconceived notions about ourselves, other people, the world around us, and about the truths that we think are important. When we do this, we automatically assume that we are correct about all things: “We don’t see ourselves as the problem because, in fact, we aren’t. What we are saying does make sense. What’s often hard to see is that what the other person is saying also makes sense” (28). Effective communication demands that we see the other person as expressing a valid opinion and perspective as worthy of hearing and acknowledgement as our own.
All communication is a synthesis of who we are, who we’ve been, the experiences that we have had, and the things that we have learned. When we communicate with another person, we need to remember that they will have a unique way of expressing themselves that will not completely match our own. We need to recall that each individual has a past, as “it is only in the context of someone’s past experience that we can understand why what they are saying or doing makes any kind of sense” (34). In order to know where we are or where we are going, it helps to know where we have been.
One should consistently shift toward a perspective of couching things in terms of both/and, rather than either/or: “Don’t choose between the stories; embrace both” (39). This is another aspect of effective communication that similarly emphasizes the mutuality necessary for effective dialogue. Reality is messy, it can be confusing and mixed up, and it often requires multiple perspectives to arrive at the truth of any particular issue. The authors argue that resorting to a perspective that emphasizes the “both/and” approach helps to guide a conversation to a common goal, one that refuses to privilege one side over another based on surface-level details or material not germane to the discussion.
The Need for Self-Reflection and Self-Awareness
When having difficult conversations, parties need to engage in genuine, honest self-reflection. As the authors point out, self-awareness is absolutely critical for engaging in healthy, constructive dialogue that moves conversations forward toward a defined and desired goal.
As humans, we also possess the desire to always act in our own interests: “We look for information to support our view and give that information the most favorable interpretation. Then we feel even more certain that our view is right” (36). It’s human nature to view ourselves in the most positive light; this feeds our sense of self-worth and helps to push back against the fear and anxiety of not being good enough. The problem with approaching ourselves in this manner is that we fail to recognize our own complexity.
Identity is wrapped up in difficult conversations. Hard conversations can spark important questions about ourselves and who we are: “We conduct an internal debate over whether this means we are competent or incompetent, a good person or bad, worthy of love or unlovable. What impact might it have on our self-image and self-esteem, our future and our well-being?” (8). The ability to judge our actions, motivations, and intentions is crucial to having both a healthy and realistic sense of self.
In the end, the most helpful thing to cultivate is an ability to recognize that we interact with different people in different ways; the person we project in different situations will shift based on the people with whom we are interacting. Fundamentally, we are the same person regardless of circumstances, but in reality we express ourselves in a myriad of ways depending on whether we are interacting with a sibling, parent, spouse, subordinate, or superior. This is not to say that any particular “version” of ourselves is the real or better one; it is simply to acknowledge that we are complex individuals who have a constantly shifting persona, one that doesn’t impact who we fundamentally are as people.
The Relationship Between Identity, Emotions, and Actions
Often the mistake is made that identity—who one is—is identical to one’s words, actions, and emotions. This is an error, one that is difficult to spot and sometimes even more difficult to parse out. It is difficult to create meaningful distinctions between identity and one’s language, behavior, and emotions because they are in many ways wrapped up with one another: “One assumption many of us incorporate into our footprint is the assumption that there is something inherently wrong with having feelings” (92). The existence of our feelings is a valid thing to acknowledge, but we have to ensure that we are not so wrapped up in them that they obscure the picture of what is really going on.
Saying that one’s identity and emotions have nothing to do with one another would be another mistake, since it simply isn’t true. Who we are is often expressed in our words and actions. Everything that we express outwardly begins internally and springs from who we are. In addition, we are often judged for our words and actions since they are ours. The anxiety we feel in wrestling with what it means to be ourselves is not unique; it is rather universal: “Our anxiety results not just from having to face the other person, but from having to face ourselves” (111-12). Personal identity is clarified when we begin to see ourselves through all tangential (though crucial) information.
A mistake is to conflate identity, emotions, words, and actions, as if they can’t be separated, and to assume that every single feeling, word, and action is inseparable from our identity. When we do this, we think of our worst moments as truly ourselves, but that is usually the opposite of the case; everyone has had a slip of the tongue, or uttered something in frustration on a bad day, or done something that they’ve immediately regretted or wished they could take back. When we understand this in approaching difficult conversations, we can be sure to avoid equating someone’s imprudent words or hurtful actions with their identity, just as we can be sure that we also are not our worst moments, and that we can separate our sense personal dignity from the way that we feel—or the way that someone feels about us.
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