Darkness Visible

“In Paris on a chilly evening late in October of 1985 I first became fully aware that the struggle with the disorder in my mind—a struggle which had engaged me for several months—might have a fatal outcome.”

When Styron talks about the disease of depression being potentially fatal, he describes suicide in a way that wasn’t mainstream in 1990. Instead of considering suicide a willful act, he sees it as the last stage of a disorder. A depression that had only been a serious issue for a few months quickly became severe and deadly for Styron.

“I recall saying to myself that when I left Paris for New York the next morning it would certainly be a matter of forever. I was shaken by the certainty with which I accepted the idea that I would never see France again, just as I would never recapture a lucidity that was slipping away from me with terrifying speed.”

At this point, Styron accepted the belief that he would likely commit suicide soon. He is describing this loss of Paris—a loss that has not yet occurred—as something he felt he could never regain. Similarly, his mind was plagued with darkness and fog, and he didn’t believe it could ever return to its previous clarity.

“Of the many dreadful manifestations of the disease, both physical and psychological, a sense of self-hatred—or put less categorically, a failure of self-esteem—is one of the most universally experienced symptoms, and I had suffered more and more from a general feeling of worthlessness as the malady had progressed.”

Styron refers to the feeling of self-hatred and then corrects himself, because one aspect of depression is a sense of passivity and an inability to motivate oneself. Self-esteem fails to rise up and support the sufferer. Feelings of insignificance and uselessness permeate everything, making every triumph feel undeserved.