Darius the Great Is Not Okay

At his job at Tea Haven, Darius struggles with the water boiler, which he has nicknamed Smaug for its tendency to overheat. His boss, Charles Apatan, insists that every tea be steeped in boiling water, despite Darius’s protests that this isn’t always appropriate. While Darius is replenishing tea samples and restocking cups, two of his classmates—Trent Bolger and Chip Cusumano—spot him from outside the shop. Trent, who routinely picks on Darius at school, approaches him and tries to bait him with questions about tea bags. Darius tries to stick to the corporate script, but as Trent and Chip are leaving, Trent debuts his “newest suggestive nickname” for Darius (8): “D-Bag.” Mr. Apatan praises Darius for brewing a batch of orange blossom tea correctly and obliviously asks whether Trent and Chip are his friends.

After finishing his shift at Tea Haven and going outside, Darius discovers that Trent and Chip have removed the wheels and seat from his bicycle, replacing the latter with a pair of blue rubber testicles. Darius calls his father to ask for a ride home and, to his embarrassment, is forced to explain what happened. Before hanging up, his father reminds him to buy a goldfish for Nowruz, “breath[ing] a Level Five Disappointed Sigh” when he learns that Darius hasn’t already done so (11).