Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

Chapter 4 introduces the concept of safety in crucial conversations. Establishing safety involves being able to observe the “conditions” of a conversation as well as the content. People acting defensively, becoming heated or resentful, or falling silent out of fear of repercussion are all conditions of an unhealthy dialogue. People can learn to notice the conditions as well as the content of conversations by developing the skill of “dual processing.” Dual processing is a form of “social first aid” that allows people to catch potential problems early and get back on track before the problematic conditions spiral out of control (46).

The first step is recognizing that a crucial conversation is even happening. Often, the signs of a crucial conversation can be sensed internally. People feel physical symptoms (tension in the stomach or dry eyes). Emotions can be another sign of an impending crucial conversation: for example, feeling scared, hurt, or upset during dialogue. Additionally, people may notice that their own behavior indicates the crucial nature of an interaction before they can even process their emotions or take stock of their body. They can find themselves yelling or withdrawing into themselves and use that as a sign that what they thought was an everyday conversation is in fact turning crucial.