Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

Beattie acknowledges the importance of clear, direct communication in overcoming codependency. She presents several example conversations illustrating how codependents often communicate in manipulative, indirect ways to control others or to avoid expressing their true feelings and needs. In the first conversation, a woman named Danielle manipulates her friend Stacy into babysitting her children by sighing, acting helpless, and guilting Stacy. Despite not wanting to babysit, Stacy gives in due to feelings of guilt, anger, and a grandiose sense of responsibility. The second conversation portrays a husband, Robert, pressuring his wife Sally to lie to his boss about his absence from work, which is really due to alcohol abuse. Sally feels trapped, guilty, and responsible for Robert’s drinking. She enables his behavior by complying, then lashes out at him in anger afterwards while still feeling guilty herself. The third example takes place in a family therapy group. A seemingly perfect couple, Stephen and Joanne, are questioned by the counselor. Joanne breaks down, expressing she’s sick of her husband’s lies and broken promises.

Beattie explains that codependents often have poor communication skills—they carefully choose words to manipulate, people-please, and cover up low self-worth and shame. Many learned in childhood not to openly discuss problems, express feelings, or stand up for themselves.