Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Relationships are the reason for boundaries in the first place. Through Chapter 1’s Sherrie, whose life is a mess without healthy boundaries in place, the authors emphasize the heaviness that comes with relationships fractured by boundary injuries. An uncertain Sherrie doesn’t know how to love her mother well, discipline her son, speak to her son’s teacher about his challenges at school, decline her boss’s request to work on a last-minute project, or how to communicate with her emotionally distant husband. As a result, Sherrie feels depleted, joyless, completely lost in her own second-guessing and feelings of shame and despair. The complexity of her interpersonal relationships led her to a point of utter exhaustion.

While Sherrie’s example may be the most emblematic of common conflicts, the authors consistently circle back to the idea that all relationships require hard work, and that boundaries play a vital role in this ongoing work. In Chapter 3, for instance, the authors explore complicated dynamics that often reveal some degree of manipulation, as evidenced in their descriptions of compliants, avoidants, controllers, and nonresponsives. The relationships in question are compromised without healthy boundaries, but many are inherently woven into the lives of others. A wife may be a compliant in relation to her husband, a friend an avoidant towards others in his friend group, and within the context of family and work, there may be an abundance of controllers and nonresponsives. Relationships are complex by nature, which accentuates the need for boundaries as a move towards sustainability.

In Part 2, the authors dissect boundary issues that typically emerge in all types of relationships (from friendships to marriages to relationships with God). These relationships’ common need for boundaries stems from them being able to “create a spiritual and emotional space, a separateness, between ourselves and others. This allows our needs to be heard and understood” (175). Without first understanding oneself and the needs one brings to any relationship, people as a whole cannot voice the ways in which they are hurt or traumatized by dysfunctional relationships.

Yet for all the ways in which people are hurt by relationships, these relationships can also bring great joy. The point of boundaries is not to push people away for risk of getting hurt. Rather, the point of establishing boundaries is to enhance the quality of one’s relationships to the point where neither party is consistently or deliberately hurt. As the authors argue, “when you are in control of yourself, you can give and sacrifice for loved ones in a helpful way instead of giving in to destructive behavior and self-centeredness” (163).

Throughout the book, the authors often emphasize the importance of saying “no” in order to preserve and maintain healthy boundaries. In Chapter 1, Sherrie’s inability to say “no” to additional responsibilities at work and church puts strain on her marriage and familial relationships. According to the authors, Sherrie’s struggle is rooted in a misconception of who she needs to be. Her habit of “being nice out of fear isn’t working. [Her] people-pleasing efforts don’t seem to bring her the intimacy she needs” (22). When someone is unable to verbalize their own needs and desires by means of saying “no,” they run the risk of suffering constant violations of their boundaries.

But within the context of parenthood, the authors address the power of “no” in a different way. Saying “no” is a natural part of the parenting process, which ultimately helps children develop a deeper sense of personal responsibility. When children never hear “no,” their worldview becomes distorted to the point where they’re bewildered when life doesn’t go their way. Understanding how to deal with rejection is ideally done within the context of a loving family as opposed to a harsh world, as evidenced in the following passage: “If we don’t teach our children to take a no, someone who loves them far less may take on the job. Someone tougher. Someone stronger” (181).

For people whose “no’s” are often disregarded, such as victims of abuse or relational trauma, establishing healthy boundaries is complicated by the heaviness of their past—particularly when these wounds occur during key developmental stages in childhood. People with painful pasts can reclaim their power by learning how to say “no” in ways that empower their own sense of agency. Without the ability to say “no,” “victims often feel that they are public property—that their resources, body, and time should be available to others just for the asking” (225). For people who find themselves in this type of situation, understanding that they indeed have the power of rejection is a revelation—an epiphany that leads to hope that their lives may in fact be restored despite the pains of the past.