Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

In this chapter, Cloud and Townsend explain how boundaries are developed. The process begins in childhood, an “ongoing process, yet its most crucial stages are in our very early years, where our character is formed” (60). Each stage of early development represents a different aspect of the journey towards forming boundaries. In the first stage, bonding, infants are nurtured and loved by their parents, which acts as the prelude for the remaining steps. Next comes separation and individuation, during which infants and toddlers begin to realize that they exist apart from their parents, and as such have different wants and needs. The next stage is known as hatching, when young children start to explore the world around them in a more deliberate manner. The final stages of this early development are practicing and rapprochement, during which children start to leave their parents behind in order to engage with the world around them (practicing) and eventually realize that they still need their parents (rapprochement).

After these foundational stages of development, children move into adolescence, followed by adulthood. According to the authors, the first years of a person’s life are crucial in determining how smooth their journey towards mature boundaries will be.