Blackouts

A study participant, Salvatore N., enters Dr. George W. Henry’s office. Salvatore wants to discuss his heartbreak over a dockworker who recently returned to Italy, but Dr. Henry pushes him to talk about sex. Salvatore admires the dockworker’s sister, Nora, who is happy with her lesbian partner, though confesses he wishes to be “cured.” He admits to a fantasy about his family physician questioning him about their sex life after they begin an affair—wanting “to live normally in an abnormal way” (210). Dr. Henry hesitates before shaking his hand.

Nene asks about this hesitation. Juan offers that “not all ambiguities need to be resolved” (210).

In the film, the camera turns to Dr. Henry’s notes, which are far bleaker than Salvatore’s tone.

An older Jan arrives home, a dance studio-turned-apartment which is likely not zoned for residency. She sits, naked, and drinks a Manhattan. The scene becomes a montage of this ritual, with slight variations. Jan’s lover, dancer Franziska Boas, who owns the loft, appears. The other curtained bedroom houses artists Andy Warhol and Philip Pearlstein.

An image shows messy handwriting that lists objects, describes Franziska Boas, offers an invitation to an unknown reader, and a sketch of a shoe with the caption “i just steped on a bug” (212).

At Nene’s surprise, Juan confirms Jan lived with Andy Warhol (then Warhola) before his fame, but urges Nene to focus on Jan—who focuses on work when she is sober, which rarely happens.

In the film, Jan dances naked in the dance studio-turned-apartment. The camera recedes until she is a silhouette.

A photograph shows a dancing woman wearing a black skirt, white shirt, and black scarf over her face. She wears one shoe, the other foot bare.

Nene urges more humor in the film, and Juan agrees. Nene asks about Franziska Boas, and Juan recounts her history in civil rights and pioneering dance therapy; her father sought to debunk eugenics. Again, Juan urges focus on Jan, and discusses her childhood. She appeared twice in local newspapers as a youth, as part of a Women’s Rifle Club and as a speaker at a YWCA talk on women in the Bible; she spoke of Ruth. Juan tells Nene the story of the biblical lesbian women Ruth and Naomi, their existence being what he calls the “first lesbian desire in literature” (217). Nene asks to know something “terrible” about Jan’s mother.

A painting shows Ruth and Naomi embracing, while a disapproving man looks on.

The film shows Jan’s childhood home. Jan’s mother practices the piano with a trained posture. Jan watches the inner mechanics of the piano and a wire suddenly snaps, cutting her face. She screams, and her mother panics. Oma, Jan’s grandmother, tends Jan, chides Jan’s mother for her reaction, and criticizes Jan’s father, Ben Reitman, for making his wife tense. Jan visualizes her mother as a piano wire turned too tight by her father.

Nene asks how Jan’s imagination is visualized; Juan proposes a pastiche and chides Nene for interrupting.

The film shows a German “asylum” (a precursor to modern psychiatric hospitals) in 1902, where Jan’s mother has gone into labor with Jan. Doctors shout in German, which Jan’s American mother does not understand. She was brought to the “asylum” after “collapsing,” having been abandoned by her husband on their honeymoon months ago. She gives birth.

In 1903, Jan’s father arrives at the “asylum” sheepishly. He and his wife return to the Midwest, though he disappears for good before his daughter turns two.

Young Jan hears tales of her notorious father, though her mother and grandmother try to hide this information. She learns “hobo lingo” to appease this absent father, listing names for different “types of degenerates” (222).

Adolescent Jan masturbates against a pillow, fantasizing about her father’s lover, anarchist Emma Goldman.

A book’s dedication to Emma Goldman is followed by praise for her.

Jan learns the word “homosexual” from one of Goldman’s speeches. She feels connected to those who feel riled by these speeches. Later, she thinks of the irony that, though Goldman advocated for free love, she was possessive of her father.

A local librarian makes a habit of covertly signaling to Jan that her father has been in the newspaper.

Jan’s grandmother dies in 1922. Jan finds a newspaper clipping in her grandmother’s effects that report that her father was sexually assaulted by a group of men in San Diego in 1912.

An account of Ben Reitman’s sexual assault reveals it was committed by men with otherwise respectable positions in society. The men threatened similar violence to Emma Goldman should she return to San Diego.

The clipping quotes Jan’s father at length, which makes him seem more human to her. She researches the San Diego free speech fight, which awakens class consciousness in her, and she imagines her father at the center of the movement.

Two photographs show two men, the first with his ribs and hand bandaged, the second, viewed in profile, with his ear bandaged. A third photograph shows two Black women in long, dark dresses and wide-brimmed hats looking at the camera; the younger woman, on the left, smiles, while the elder, on the right, is serious.

Juan reports the end of Reitman’s affair with Goldman after another of Reitman’s lovers became pregnant. He describes Reitman’s “folk hero” status for defending “hobos.” Reitman rarely wrote to Jan, who both hated and admired him. Juan notes he has “dropped the conceit” (230) of portraying his story as a film, and Nene comments it helped him visualize the story. Juan nevertheless asks him to visualize Jan’s time as a college journalist in cinematic fashion. The story of her dressed in men’s clothing, seeking her unknown father, became widespread.

Juan explains Reitman’s “hobo college” was well-known, and then explains the history of the word “hobo” as referring to a specific group of migrant workers (in contrast to its present definition). He draws a modern-day comparison to Central American migrant workers.

Later, Jan notes similarities between her interests and those of her father. Reitman’s book on “pimps,” The Second Oldest Profession, looked to give narrative control to those often denied a voice in telling their own stories. Juan cites one of Reitman’s “counternarratives” in which three white sex workers explain their preference for Black “pimps.”

A photograph shows a door in a brick wall. Above the door, the word “DANGER” is written with the “D” and “R” turning into arrows that point to the door. On the door itself is the phrase “STEP HIGH STOOP LOW LEAVE YOUR DIGNITY OUTSIDE” with one word per line (232).

Juan presumes Jan’s original intent with her project aligned with her father’s hope for his own projects, and cites her “bitterness” with Dr. Henry’s conclusion of her work. Juan ends the story out of exhaustion and refuses to continue, despite Nene’s urging. He asks Nene to tell him about Liam, Nene’s ex-boyfriend, wishing to be sexually aroused by the story.

Nene begins a first-person, present-tense narrative in which he and Liam are both 27, staying together for several days. Liam insists they will not reconcile even as they have sex. Despite their infrequent sex (which Nene frames as his fault), they find their breakup heightens their desire for each other. Nene admires Liam’s tan lines. As they get ready for work, Nene feels shame at accepting money from Liam, who works two jobs; Nene is preparing for sex work, but doesn’t want Liam to be reminded of his past infidelity by mentioning this.

Nene pauses, pained at the memory. Juan reframes the biblical story of Lot’s wife, commending her bravery at daring to look at the “sublime” destruction of Sodom despite God’s warning. Likewise, he urges Nene to keep looking back.

Section 3

Nene stands on a train platform. He picks up a necklace with a golden feather, lingering even though this puts him in danger of being hit by the incoming train. He visits a rich man’s apartment, introducing himself to the doorman as “Salvatore.” The doorman jokes that an “army” of “skinny little brown boys” visit the rich man (238). Nene goes upstairs and begins cleaning the windows, enjoying himself, while the man watches, wearing his underwear and the golden feather.

Section 2

At a diner, Liam cries over the news that Nene has been doing sex work throughout their relationship, which has lasted nearly a decade. He demands an explanation as they return to the apartment they once shared. They have sex, though Nene is surprised when Liam wants to use a condom. Liam smashes Nene’s shoulders and head into the floor, then returns to the bedroom, alone.

Section 1

Nene closes the bookstore where he works. He counts the till (which he once stole from, to Liam’s dismay) when Liam calls. He tells Liam to go home, citing plans to spend time with a friend, Lorena. Liam, outside, sees a man waiting for Nene and breaks up with him.

Section 0

Twenty-year-old Nene and Liam work as farmhands in Virginia. As they travel to the farm, Nene steals sunglasses, which disquiets Liam. The farmer, whom they met while protesting the World Bank, shows them to a rickety shack where they will stay for the summer. Though the pair found the farmer charming when they first met, they now worry that they have made a bad decision.

Juan describes the difference between a confessor (who is persecuted but lives) and a martyr (who is killed for their faith). He believes his death approaches, and Nene insists he won’t leave.

A typed page shows a poem by Jan Gay, labeled with the date, December 3, 1956.