53 pages • 1 hour read
Big Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close
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Chapters 5-6Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Chapter 5 Summary: “The Stretch”
Chapter 5 captures a pivotal moment in Sow and Friedman’s friendship when Sow’s health issues begin to test the strength and adaptability of their bond. Sow was diagnosed with iron-deficiency anemia. This marked the onset of a challenging journey through chronic illness, requiring frequent emergency room visits, blood transfusions, and intimate procedures. Sow entered a cycle of retreating inward, pushing friends away out of fear of becoming a burden, and then further isolating herself due to the depression stemming from her health struggles.
Amidst these trials, Sow grappled with the desire for privacy and the fear that her friends, including Ann, might grow tired of her health saga and drift away. This dynamic introduced a significant stretch in the friendship between Sow and Friedman, testing their ability to maintain closeness despite the physical distance and the heavy emotional toll of Sow’s illness.
Ann found herself in a difficult position: She wanted to support Sow without overstepping boundaries. She decided to check in with mutual friends for updates, a strategy that left her feeling both grateful for their shared network and guilty for potentially breaching Sow’s privacy.
Sow and Friedman liken the concept of stretching in friendship to physical stretching, saying that flexibility, strength, and health are important to both muscles and relationships. Just as muscles require regular stretching to maintain range of motion and prevent pain, friendships need continuous effort and adaptation to remain strong and resilient. They distinguish between passive stretches, which are effortless and unconscious, and active stretches, which are challenging and deliberate. Sow’s chronic illness represented an active stretch, demanding significant adaptation and support from both friends.
However, Sow and Friedman say, that not all challenges in friendship are mere stretches; some may feel like strains, potentially causing damage. Strains occur when the balance of effort and adaptation is unequal, leading to feelings of being overextended without reciprocal effort. Recognizing the difference between stretching and straining is crucial for maintaining a healthy friendship dynamic, ensuring that both friends are actively contributing to the relationship’s strength and resilience.
Sow and Friedman assert that a deep and meaningful bond requires a willingness to endure discomfort and actively adapt. They frame stretching not as an occasional hurdle but as an integral, ongoing process of growth and mutual support in their friendship.
Chapter 6 Summary: “The Friendweb”
Sow and Friedman introduce the concept of a “friendweb” as an alternative to the more popularized and somewhat superficial idea of a “squad.” They describe “#SquadGoals” as an aspirational concept popularized by Taylor Swift. The concept of a squad “entered the popular conversation as a shorthand for a group of female friends so uncomplicated and cute it was aspirational” (100). Sow and Friedman critique this phenomenon for its commodification and oversimplification of female friendships, and they point out that even Swift divested from the idea eventually.
Sow and Friedman argue instead for a more nuanced understanding of friendship networks, depicting them as webs that are intricate and ever-changing. Unlike a squad, which can imply a static and exclusive group, a friendweb is a dynamic and interconnected web of friends that includes various relationships from different stages and facets of life, including childhood, college, workplaces, and social activities. This web, they argue, can vary in strength and delicacy, much like a spider’s web, shaped by the efforts and circumstances of those weaving it.
Sow and Friedman point out that they have different approaches to navigating friendships. Ann sees connections within her friendweb as autonomous, believing adults should manage their interactions independently. In contrast, Aminatou feels a sense of responsibility, especially when conflicts arise. She believes that one should take on a more active role in mediating and preserving harmony within the web, especially if one is responsible for introducing the conflicting parties in the first place.
A key event that shaped Friedman and Sow’s friendweb was Friedman’s 30th birthday celebration. Friedman organized a group trip to Joshua Tree and dubbed the event “Desert Ladies.” Desert Ladies was an all-women getaway conceived as a retreat from the male gaze and daily pressures of life, fostering an environment of unbridled freedom and deep connection among women from various corners of their friendweb. The success of the inaugural trip inspired Friedman to establish it as an annual event. Desert Ladies grew significantly in size and complexity over the years, and Sow ended up sharing a lot of the work of organizing.
As the women’s friendweb expanded and Desert Ladies evolved into a larger gathering, miscommunications and tensions arose among attendees. Leading up to the third Desert Ladies, Sow reached out to Friedman, sharing that she had been betrayed by one of the women who was going to be attending. This led to a significant misunderstanding, as Friedman interpreted Sow’s words as a request to disinvite the woman. Friedman announced to the women that those with grievances should resolve their issues independently. Sow thought Friedman saw her grievances as a burden and felt hurt, especially after investing so much time and energy into organizing the event over the years.
This incident marked the first significant rift between Sow and Friedman. They share that it took years before they could talk about the Desert Ladies incident and that this event was the first sign something was off in their relationship.
Chapters 5-6 Analysis
In Chapters 5 and 6, Sow and Friedman navigate significant challenges in their friendship, highlighting the more difficult aspects of The Intentional Work of Maintaining a Friendship. Chapter 5, detailing Sow’s battle with iron-deficiency anemia, demonstrates how profound life events such as serious health problems test the resilience and adaptability of friendships. When Sow gets sick, the usual challenges of maintaining friendship despite physical and emotional distance are compounded by the physical and emotional challenges of chronic illness, forcing both of the authors to adapt to new ways of tending to their friendship.
The authors introduce the concept of “stretching” as a metaphor for maintaining and adapting friendships through life’s trials. Sow and Friedman share that Sow’s illness created the need to stretch in their relationship. This metaphor broadens the discussion from personal anecdotes to a more universal exploration of friendship dynamics. They argue that like a physical body, a friendship requires deliberate efforts to strengthen and stretch without going overboard into strain. The physical metaphor the authors use in this chapter creates a memorable image to help the reader grasp the concepts they describe, but it also connects the health of their friendship to Sow’s physical health in a way that points to the holistic sense of well-being they argue strong friendships can foster. Moreover, the authors’ decision to detail the nuanced ways in which they navigated Sow’s health crisis—from seeking privacy to fearing burdening the other—invites readers to consider the balance between closeness and individual boundaries in their relationships. Among the ways they had to stretch during this period was by redefining those boundaries.
Chapter 6 shifts focus to the broader context of The Power and Complexity of Friendship beyond one-on-one friendships. The authors introduce the “friendweb” concept as a counterpoint to the popular but superficial concept of “squad goals.” This chapter critiques the commodification of female friendships and offers a more nuanced understanding of friendships as dynamic and interconnected. In recounting the origins of the Desert Ladies retreat, Sow and Friedman illustrate how shared experiences and rituals can strengthen bonds within their friendweb, but can also lead to challenges and miscommunications. The contrast between their intentional effort to maintain connections and the societal expectation of effortless and shallow friendship reinforces the book’s argument that friendships are complex and that they require work. The miscommunication Sow and Friedman experience over the Desert Ladies retreat demonstrates that no matter how strong a friendship might be, it still is subject to problems, and therefore must always be intentionally worked on.
In both chapters, Sow and Friedman employ imagery and personal narratives to convey the complexities of their friendship, illustrating the joys and challenges with equal honesty. Their exploration of how friendship evolves—from the effortless spark of initial connection to the intentional work required to sustain it through life’s challenges—offers a compelling view of the nature of deep, lasting friendships. Through their personal journey, they illuminate the broader theme that friendships, much like any meaningful relationship, require deliberate effort, communication, and the willingness to adapt over time.
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